Boston
“DON’T pahk yuh cah in Hahvahd Yahd, yu’ll get towd ta Meffah, feckin’ eejit.”
Now, ya see, Bwost'n or Boss-tin (owfishally Beantown) is dis city, thas in Mass'chs'tts. It's ne-ah tha wahtuh, an' um, peoples lives thay-uh.
They's got beans 'nd chowdah anna whoole lotta construction. Guv'mint says da Big Dig s'gonna be done soon, but all 'm seein is DETOUR.
I ain't too good at writin, so I'se gonna try tuh make dis unnastanable.
Da people
Peoples is always mad at sombidy. Cyach 'em without 'eih cyoahfee an' ya beddah be runnin. Deyah's diffrint kin's uh people theyuh.
- Da doctahs
- See 'em walkin aroun' lunchtime wit whi-yit coats and flat shoes. Dey come in payahs an' ah usyally found in Longwood.
- Commudahs
- Come evryday all at da same time an' leave at t'same time. Sum a dem take tha T, and sum a dem drive down 93 owah da Pike. Busy, busy awl th' time. they Get wicked mad when yowah in da way.
- Construction wukahs
- Theyuh ev'rywayuh. Doin dat Big Dig thing.
- Police
- Cops s'got nu'in beddah tuh do than sit aroun an' glayah at people who awn't doin nothin. Theh's lots of traffik, so they just watch and eats donuts.
- Da Sox
- Theyuh wicked awesum!
- Dwogs
- Dwogs get elektrakyooted. Theyuh just walkin along, doin theyuh thin, when BAM! dead.
Anna cowahse, dehr's ...
Dem collige kids
“We had to cancel the Boston gig; but don’t worry, it’s not a big college town.”
They thinks theyuh so cool, sittin aroun' smokin an' actin like theyuh bedduh than evryone. Come from all ovah an' crowd tha T.
Theyuh's a wicked lot of colleges in Bwost'n.
People always thinka Hahvad (Gud School. I know, I got 'xpelled theyuh) and MIT when they think uh Bwost'n. But they ah too good fuh us and moved tuh Caymbridge. Still in Grayduh Bwost'n, doh. Most uh da colleges in Bwost'n ah Jewish now o-ah suhin. Lil' and evr'ywayuh and all made outta brick. Ahco'din tuh popyalah belief, da Mahxist riots uh 1848 began right he-yuh, in Caymbridge. Lousy fuckahs, didin they know it was Bwost'n Caw'llige (Theyuh in New'in!) dat stahted alla dat crap?
Da Big Dig
Da Big Dig is dis projeck dat was stahtid millyins a yeahs ago. It was sposed ta be done forevah ago, but it's still goin on. Cranes is evrywheyuh an' y'nevuh know which road s'gonna be open tuhday. Guvahmint dont believe in friggin detuwah signs eethah, they jus' make thuh road go anothah way fo no reason what so evah.
Taxpayah's money's gunna alow this, and da guvuhmint makes tunnels that leak n' briges that drop ice on cahs an' neuhly kills people. They even got da ceilin' collapsin in an' killin folks.
Of co-wahs dey can't stop naow, alla da roads ah wicked messed up. Piles uhv dirt evrywayuh an' dem cones an' friggin' pahtitiony-thingies. Geez.
Drivin'
Nobidy in Bwost'n knows how da drive. But da gawd dam turrists drive even wuhs. They go wicked slow and they're always lost 'n stuff. Jus' cuz a city's got narrah, windin' roads an' a lawduh roduhries don't mean ya gotta drive aroun' like some kinna idiot.
Also, pedestrians get run ovah if they're in da road when da light's green, yellah, owuh red. Of cowus they can run really good, so people don't get huht, usually.
In trafik, people get wicked mad, and they yell n' flip each uthah awf. Road rage n' all that.
If ya really wanna get a wicked bout a swearin', make someone spill theh cawfee. You ah really in fer it then.
Once finished drivin', it is rekwiyud by Boston-Law to "paahk da caah in Hahvuhd Squeah".
Da sites a Bwost'n
Theyuz awl Kindsa stuff ta do in Bwost'n. Sumthin' fuh evereewun.
Fanyoowul Hawll
Evrybwody thinks Fanyool Hall is so friggin great, but nobody kin even spell it. Luhn howdah friggin spell fuh gawd sake. It's got an "i" in da middle! Gawddammit, why da they gotta go namin nashunal landmahks so weeyud. S'not much uvva lanmahk anyways. Just a bunch o' food places stuck inna narrah buildin. Like some ol' ghetto mall. Den alla da monster corpuhration stowuhs ah outside. Who s'gonna travel ta Bwost'n ta see some kinna rickety mall-place? Not me, thats fuh showuh.
RED SOX
Evrybwody loves da Red Sawx. n' if ya don't, we will stab you in tha face. Yankee-lovers godduh hell. Yankee-sympathizers kin go ta hell too. Yankees Suck!
When tha Red Sawx is at Fenway, evryone comes ta Bwost'n. Evryone. Evin yer granma who's ben inna wheelchay-uh since huh stroke.
One o' dese days, da Green Monster s'gonna eat dem Yankees. All uv theyuu no'good, rottin' be'inds.
Fer a long time, da Red Sawx were "cuhssed". Obviously it wasint thayuh fault they nevuh won. Finuhlly they won da Wuhld Series ... WOO YEAH! GO SAWX!! 1918!! REVERSE DA CURSE!! YEAH!! an' tha curse was brokin.
Th' Sawx ah about t'only thing that Bostonians can agree about.
GO SAWX!!
- p.s. Yankee fans, don't take da T. Make shuwah ya pahk in Kenmowuh Squayah. (Don't be surprised if ya cah is flipped when da game is ovah though.)
The MFA
This place has got wickid pissa Egyptian stuff, but I red in Da globe it Egypt thinks its ripped ahf! So MFA's gotta prove it came from Prahvidince. MFA is sho-aht fo-ahm fuh da wuhds "Mothuh Fuckin Aht".
Patriots
The Pats ah da footbwol team. Theuh down in Fawxburrah. They git all them good playahs wit no cuuhses so that we can have a winnin' team heeyuh in Bwost'n. They pay us to go up to a New Yo-ahk with a videotape recoahda and tape da Jets, Jiants, anda rest ubm.
They used to be good becuz of duh fuwkin traydoor Tom Brady. We don't cayuh if you don't like his hayuh cuz he's got a wicked awesome ahm. Now heez down in Flooriduh. Whad ah Loozah.
Da T
Da T is an ovuhcrowdid system. Ev'ryone's tryin ta get way-uh they wanna go, and right friggin now. Problem is, thehs not enough room. Sometimes it's even haahd to breath, there aah so many people on da friggin' ting.
They used ta have tokens, but now they've got these ticket things and new doe-wuz like we aah gonna be like friggin' Stah Trek or sumthin', it's akchuly wicked cool. Da tickets aah called "ChahlieTickets", named fo some guy who got stuck on Da T forevah.
S'alright sometimes, but mostly jus' a pain in de chowdah-lovin' neck.
An, of coahse, it always woahse wen its rush owaah oah when da Sox aah playin'.
Log'n
Log'n is da ayuhpowut in Bwost'n. 'T's innahnashinal and pretty big. Da planes on Septembuh Uhlevinth staahtid heeyah so da securiddy makes ya take off yah shoes'n'stuff.
Chinatown
Chinatown is wayuh all de Chineez people ah. They got some good rest'rants, buhchya gotta be cayuhful thayuh. Chineez ah dangerous. Coul' get mugged owah muhdahed.
Historucal stuff
Theyuh was once dis paahty, sumthin' ta do with tea, owah Da T. Idunno. Theyuh was also once dis big waah up on da Bunkah Hill, only it wasn't on Bunkah Hill, but da one befoah it. Der was a Revulution once. Staahded right heayuh in Bwost'n, owah Reveeyuh, owah sumthin'. Anyways, that was a long time ago. But those gawd dam tourists keep comin heeyah. Fer da "histuhry" and all that.
Mowah impoahtant histahry:
- Da Fuhst Woahld Searies! – Rite Heeyah in Bwost'n.
- Cheeahs – Filmed in Bwost'n.
- The Curse is Reversed! – Da Sox fin'ly win again. Go Sox!
- Boston Molasses Disaster
Th' Bwost'n Bommin of 2007
“We do whatever we want whenever we want, at all times.”
Eahly inna yeah 2007, summun notic'd sump'n dat looked lika bomb. They called da cops, who caim owt and blowed it up witha bommskwahd. It'uz groawndbreakin' nooz fer weeks. Hunnreds uh peeple were late ta werk b'cuz of it. Turns out it wuzza ad campaine all along. Theyaz a moovey commun' owt, some Akwa Hungah Foase Teens oah sumpm like it.
The Mayuh Menino wuz all mad, he called da Turner Broahdcahstin' Nettwerk, who run Cahtoon Nettwerk, who play da show. He maed'm pay a wicked huge fine fer alla disrup'n 'n stuff. They's also charg'n these two collij kids fer da whole ting. They'ud bin da unz owt wit' da signs 'n stuff. Weth any luck, they'ull have thuh book throw'n at 'em when they's sent tuh jail.
Dunkin' Donuts
Dunkin' Donuts mus' put crack in'er donuts or somtin, cuz they's ev'rywayuh. All t'street cornah's got one. Stahbuck's izza rival fo t'cyoahfee, but no Krispy Kreme s'gonna be takin our Dunkin' Donuts.
Cawse, tuh othuh grea' ting in Bwost'n is Aw Bahn Payn, but Stahbuck's gunna neah put dem outa' business!
Pigeons
Nasty vermin aah ev'rywayuh. Only thing tuh do is kick them. They'd rob ya if dey could.
Weathuh
Weathuh does what it likes. Mos' a da time, in da wintah, i's cloudy. Sun don' shine in da wintah. Get dese awful storms, like da Blizzid of 78. People died, da innastate was dayown, jus' terr'ble.
In da summah, hyoomid. Gets so hot n' so hahd ta breathe.
The Hub
Bwost'n is known as da Hub because it was da cenner of da yoonivahse. Dis was confahmed ta Salvador Dali by a visitashin from da Flying Spaghetti Monster. Howevuh, doo ta da uth's coawntinennal drift, da cennah has relocated ta Perpignan, France. Booooo!!
Basic Ruhles for Drivin' in Boston (subject to change at any time)
(a.k.a. "How to be a MASShole")
- Puhdestrians nawt looken' wheyah theyah goin, head and eyes fixed firmly foahwahd, are allowed to crawss in front of traffic. Be sure to "brake" hahd and stowp as close to dem as possible. (Pahdestrians within a "crawsswalk" have legal rights. The rest are "fayah game".)
- Google Maps and GPS units do not function within fifteen miles of the Boston city centah.
- The fehst pahking space you see will be the last pahking space you see. Grab it.
- Leahn to sweahve abruhptly. Boston is the home of slalom drivin', thanks to the Depahtment of Transpuhtation, which puts pawthowles in key luhcations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
- Nevah get in the way of a cah that needs extensive bodywork.
- Double-pahk in the Nawth End of Boston and South Boston, unless triple-pahking is available.
- Always look both ways when running a red light.
- Honk yah hown the instant the light changes. If you are fihst at the light, be suhe to stawmp the gas pedal when the light tehns green.
- When a light tehns red, you have five seconds to flowh it and get throoh the light.
- If someone stops at a yellah light, make suah to hit them and teach them a lesson.
- Breakdown lanes are not fah breakin' down, but fuh speeding, especially durin' rush houah. Breakdown lanes may also end without warning causing traffic jams as people mehge back in.
- If yah should break dayuwn, allow yuah vehicle to come to a stawp in the centah layne. If road condi'tns are hazahdus, exit yah vehyicle, without lookin', and stand next to it, with your back to oncomin' traffic.
- NEVAH youse directional signals when changin' lanes. They only wahn othah drivahs to speed up and nawt let yu in.
- Tuh signal a lane change, look in the duhrection you're about to go, as you do so. Wearing a Sawks cayp is cunsidahed an extra safety measuah. Blinkahs are illegal in all N'england states except for the Westahn hyalf of Connecticut for any purpose.
- Making eye cawntact ruhvokes your right ah way.
- Never pass own the left when you can pass oawn the right.
- Whenevah pawssible, stowp in the middle ahf a crowsswalwk to ensuah inconveniencin' as many puhdestrians as possible. And if a pehdestrian ahead of yah steps inta the roahd, speed up loudly and chase them up on the cehb.
WomenPedestrians have no rights. Beware of pedestrians approaching crosswalks. You know that fucker is gonna step in the road the second the light turns green. - On a multi-lane highway, always drive in the left lane, even if there are others wanting to pass. Stay in the left lane until the last possible instant before cutting across all lanes to the exit.
- When making a left turn at an intersection with a red light, glare at the oncoming drivers, inch your way into the intersection, and floor it when the green light from the other direction turns yellow.
- When merging, floor it, as you hit the "on ramp" and proceed immediately to the farthest left hand lane.
- When road conditions are hazardous, swerve in and out of lanes, to pass slower moving vehicles.
- Communicating with other drivers and pedestrians is important. Gesture often.
- The farthest right lane is reserved for passing. The farthest left lane is reserved for slower moving vehicles.
- Always bring your cell phone with you. Highway driving is a perfect time to chat with your friends and loved ones.
- If you miss your exit, stop abruptly and back up.
- When another car pulls up close behind you and "flashes their brights", it's a New Yorker. Slam on your brakes, which also serves as in-transit entertainment when they turn pretty shades of red while teaching you new words, sometimes in a different language.
- When entering a tunnel, always slow down and pause before entering, even if there is no traffic or reason for delay.
- When faced with a lane detour, due to construction, always pass as many complying vehicles as possible, wait until the last possible second, then swerve into the specified lane.
- Be prepared for abundant construction detours.
- Turning right on red is mandatory. Even if there is no road to turn into.
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Ahh sheeit, now they suin' us foh "not usin' da logo propah-ly". Hey, we thought you wuz public propah-tee!
Fack da Mavs
You only have two good playahs, one looks like da brathah of da guy they had to stuff true da toob in dat Willy Wahnka movie and da otha is a traitah to da city o' Bwost'n and he a flat eartha to top it all off.
We winnin' ah 18th and Sweepin' ya four zip. Who needs dem Patsies or Sox anyways.
LETS GO CELTICS!!!
Whachu meen we gotta go? Aww shucks, yeah you right, eye forgaat da articaw wuz ovah.
See also
