User:JJPMaster/mp
From today's featured article
The People's Republic of China is a pivotal support mechanism for the retail industry worldwide, although some believe they may have their own agenda.
China is populated by perhaps the most resourceful hardworking people on Earth, yet despite some of the strictest social engineering known to man, the Chinese still hog all the best quality crab legs in the buffet rather than waiting in an orderly line. Chinese moms force their babies to play violin until their fingers bleed; the dumb ones learn viola instead. Also, they put a fuck-ton of MSG in their food, which is actually pretty tasty.
Everything was invented in China, including gunpowder, paper, the compass, opium, pandas, panda-huffing devices, avian flu, SARS, bat recipes, COVID-19, USA's debt, Amazon Prime and CCTV; you name it, they invented it before anyone else. They also invented rhino horn aphrodisiac powder, Confucianism (a severely autistic, highly regimented version of Filial Piety), kidney harvesting and the Wu Tang Clan. While they didn't invent babies, they do mass produce them deep inside the VaChina. Bada bing! The male babies are then sent to work producing industrial glycine, and the female ones are sent to the streaming mines to post pirated clips of TV shows, except the captions are wrong and the video gets horizontally flipped every 2.7 seconds. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that playing Dungeons & Dragons has caused many teenagers to loose their grip on reality? (Pictured)
- ... that making drugs explode in your stomach is not a good way to make yourself smarter?
- ... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
- ... that in an experiment known as Monty Hall problem, if you never make up your mind about which door to choose, the goat behind the door will grow tired and burst out?
- ...that Jimmy Mozzarella is pissing in your closet?
- ... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?
- ... that not all of Ukraine is Russia, though Russia can't seem to tell?
- ... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
In the news
- Russian economy on life support after barely growing in 3rd quarter
- The UK to ban the resale of tickets
- Bill passed in Pennsylvania to legalise flying cars because why the fuck not?
- Trump kills the penny after realizing spending four cents on a one cent coin isn't the best idea
- Russian AI powered humanoid robot faceplants on stage in front of crowd
- Syrian National Museum gets robbed of six to seven Roman statues
- Cloudy windy Hurricane Melissa hits da Jamaica, mon! BOMBOCLAAT!
- United Kingdom sends Royal Airforce “specialists” to Belgium to fight Russian drones “invading” airports
- A new candidate enters the upcoming 2028 presidential race
- US government shitdown ends after over 1000 flights inundated with shit
- New York City goes full Commie, elects Zohran Mamdani as mayor
- Los Angeles Dodgers win World Series with lucky bullshit, become the Kansas City Chiefs of baseball
- Dingo eats a woman's baby
- Interview: A Brief Chat About Uncyclopedia with Uncyclopedian and Lucky star.
- Indy police: former NFL quarterback Mark Sanchez literally butt-fumbles in real life
- Trump receives COVID vaccine despite supporters making their entire personalities being against it for years
- The US government shits itself
Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia-Ukraine "peace talks" • ICE/Antifa clashes • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Rich New Yorkers fleeing "Mamdani the Commie" • Larry Sanger trying to kill Wikipedia • the New England Patriots suddenly being good again
Recent deaths: YouTube player's old design • the guitarist and a security guard from KISS • June Lockhart • Nick Mangold • Jamaica • Toronto Blue Jays' World Series dreams • Donna Godchaux • Diane Ladd • Dick Cheney • Mark Butt-fumble's TV career • U.S. Government shutdown (finally!) • Tatsuya Nakadai • Sally Kirkland • The penny • Bruce Willis
Upcoming deaths: Eurovision Song Contest • DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • Coral reefs • NYC's capitalistic economy • Chiefs Kingdom's livers and kidneys after realizing they might actually miss the playoffs • Weed • Stranger Things
On this day
November 19: Buy the Turkey Stuffing Day
- 2500 BC - Pharaoh Whahuti invents the phrase 'thank you' and requests the phrase to be planted on every garbage can.
- 461 - St. Hilarius becomes Pope. Ironically, his pontificate turns out to be only mildly amusing.
- 1605 - Puritans get food from Native Americans, then drive them away and take their land in traditional American fashion.
- 1716 - Sir Isaac Newton coins the phrase 'Thanks a lot!'. Unfortunately, it gets no recognition among trash men. Seconds later, he coins the phrase 'What a prick."
- 1942 - Stalingrad: Soviet Union forces under General Zhukov launch the Operation Uranus counterattacks, turning the tide of the battle in the USSR's favor. Stalin radios for information and asks him, "How's Uranus doing?"
Picture of the day
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Darth Vader was the only spawn of Qui-Gon-Jinn, a legendary intergalactic televangelist who made millions on the planet Naboo curing toasters of inflammation. During his reign as King of Iceland, Darth Vader often took time off to endorse a variety of things, including the Segway. Image credit: RadicalX |
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