User:JJPMaster/mp
From today's featured article
Let's get one thing straight, my dear Wats-onium.
(Puffs cigar).
When you're talking magnetism, you're talking about me. I've got the highest magnetic moment of ANY naturally occurring element. You could call it a magnetic personality. I pull the facts right out of the air. Things are just drawn to me. Like you, and don't deny it. It's a gift, from me to you.
(Gestures to empty seat in front of desk)
In my pure, elemental form, I'm a bright, silvery character. Soft enough to be cut with a knife, IF you can get close enough. But I don't stay pristine for long.
(Coughs).
The streets of this world, this city, the damp air, they tarnish me, give me a yellowish oxide coat.
(Coughs again).
It adds character, and everyone loves character.
(Throws down cigar and picks up pipe). (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that hand transplant patients (Pictured) celebrate by masturbating?
- ... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory?
- ... that Stan Lee originally conceived the X-Men as a group of post-op transgenders?
- ... that nobody asked?
- ... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
- ... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
- ... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
- ... that the United States presidential election of 1948 saw the overwhelming defeat of then-President Harry S. Truman at the hands of Thomas Dewey, the Republican governor of New York and former partner in the law firm, Dewey, Cheatem & Howe?
In the news
- Kansas City Chiefs impulsively fire Missouri as home state, moving to actual Kansas after missing playoffs
- UnNews wishes to all users a merry December Holiday (Pictured)
- Dick Van Dyke is 100, bitches!
- ICE spotted stealing everyone's ice cream in America
- North Sentinelese discover fire, accidentally burn down entire island
- Elon Musk: "Cancel Netflix! I don't care if Max wakes up."
- 6 or 7 buildings burn in Hong Kong
- Labour approval hits record low during Starmer premiership, PM resorts to "getting down with the youth"
- The New York Yankees now fucking suck
- Russian ship shines annoying red laser pointer at British planes
- Ron DeSantis passes Florida bill allowing seniors to hunt zoomers for their skin and organs
- Russian economy on life support after barely growing in 3rd quarter
- The UK to ban the resale of tickets
- Bill passed in Pennsylvania to legalise flying cars because why the fuck not?
- Trump kills the penny after realizing spending four cents on a one cent coin doesn’t "make cents"
- Russian AI powered humanoid robot faceplants on stage in front of crowd
- Syrian National Museum gets robbed of six to seven Roman statues
- Cloudy windy Hurricane Melissa hits da Jamaica, mon! BOMBOCLAAT!
Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 volume 3 and Spaceballs 2 • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Indianapolis Colts dragging an old man out of retirement • Bills Mafia shitting themselves after losing the division to the Patsies due to a terrible kicker
Recent deaths: Doug Dimmadome • Zed's dead, baby (He was also the bad guy in The Mask) • Animal Farm • Kansas City Chiefs', Dallas Cowboys', Detroit Lions' and Indianapolis Colts' seasons • Rob Reiner • Bowen Yang's tenure on SNL • Patrick Mahomes' and his backup's ACLs • Brigitte Bardot
Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Pittsburgh Steelers' season • Weed • 67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • The MetroCard • Dick van Dyke, eventually • 2025 • Stranger Things
On this day
December 31: Fuck, What Did I Do This Whole Fucking Year? Day
- 2000 BC - The Ancient Sumerians are the first to observe the New Year as a way to celebrate their slowly impending deaths.
- 1788 - The Scottish convince the world they need to sing at New Year's Eve at midnight, write a song whose lyrics are completely unpronounceable.
- 1900 - The first glowing ball thing that drop when the year ends is invented, initially as a terrorist plot by Irish extremists.
- 2010 - Manufacturers of those novelty glasses shaped like the number of the year start to worry.
- 2017 - Novelty glasses makers give up and just make normal glasses with the years put on top like a bunch of fucking cowards.
- 2025 - You think to yourself: next year's gonna be the year I get my shit together, I'm gonna lose 10 pounds, quit drinking, start opening up to people...
- 2026 - It's a year later, and yet another year has come and gone with nothing to show for it. Maybe next year...
Picture of the day
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This film is brought to you by The Number Eight: The number of muppets it takes to save one. Image credit: Sonje |
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- Requested articles – for inspiration, or lack thereof
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