User:JJPMaster/mp
From today's featured article
Act 1 – Is you is, or is you ain’t my baby?
[It is Nazareth in the 10th year of Herod's reign, legionaries march through the streets, Pharisees oversee the moral instruction of the village while Sadducees search for a job description to let them know what they were meant to be doing. A council flat in a bad part of town.]
[A bearded man in a sports robe and chunky chain fingers his sovereign ring anxiously. A woman sits watching television, calmly rolling a cigarette between fingers tattooed with the words LOVE and HATE.]
Madonna: Quick, Joe. The executions are startin’ again, you're missin’ it.
Joe: Don't care, reality TV sucks. Anyway, I don't like executions any more, when did we last see a decent stoning? It's the bloody Romans I blame, coming over here and straightening our roads.
Madonna: Ah, don't let the crucifixions make you cross, Joe. There's bound to be a smiting on in a minute.
Joe: It's not the crucifying, Madge. I’ve gotta go to bloody Bethlehem tomorrow and you know how I hate all those big city types. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that guilt tripping junk mail makes up 12% of Africa's GDP? (Pictured)
- ... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
- ... that when it says "Do not try at home", it actually means "Do not try this at all"?
- ... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
- ... that Freddie Mercury was banned in some European countries due to his extremely radioactive last name?
- ... that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Brothers movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?
- ... that 'wax-on, wax-off' doesn't help teach kids karate, but just gets your cars waxed, free of charge?
- ... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
In the news
- UnNews wishes to all users a merry December Holiday (Pictured)
- Dick Van Dyke is 100, bitches!
- ICE spotted stealing everyone's ice cream in America
- North Sentinelese discover fire, accidentally burn down entire island
- Elon Musk: "Cancel Netflix! I don't care if Max wakes up."
- 6 or 7 buildings burn in Hong Kong
- Labour approval hits record low during Starmer premiership, PM resorts to "getting down with the youth"
- The New York Yankees now fucking suck
- Russian ship shines annoying red laser pointer at British planes
- Ron DeSantis passes Florida bill allowing seniors to hunt zoomers for their skin and organs
- Russian economy on life support after barely growing in 3rd quarter
- The UK to ban the resale of tickets
- Bill passed in Pennsylvania to legalise flying cars because why the fuck not?
- Trump kills the penny after realizing spending four cents on a one cent coin doesn’t "make cents"
- Russian AI powered humanoid robot faceplants on stage in front of crowd
- Syrian National Museum gets robbed of six to seven Roman statues
- Cloudy windy Hurricane Melissa hits da Jamaica, mon! BOMBOCLAAT!
Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 volume 2 and Spaceballs 2 • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Indianapolis Colts dragging an old man out of retirement • Bills fans shitting themselves after seeing the New England Patriots win the AFC East
Recent deaths: Doug Dimmadome • Zed's dead, baby (He was also the bad guy in The Mask) • Animal Farm • Kansas City Chiefs' season • Rob Reiner • Bowen Yang's tenure on SNL • Dallas Cowboys' season • Patrick Mahomes' backup's ACL
Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Indianapolis Colts' and Baltimore Ravens' seasons • Weed • 67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • The MetroCard • Dick van Dyke, eventually • 2025
On this day
December 29: National Russian Reversal Day
- 1348 - In Soviet Russia, anti-Semitic mob kills JEW!!
- 1926 - In Soviet Russia, television watches YOU!!
- 1945 - In Soviet Russia, World War II wins YOU!!
- 1955 - In Soviet Russia, married can get YOU!!
- 1956 - In Soviet Russia, the law has equal rights under YOU!!
- 1969 - In Soviet Russia, moon lands on YOU!!
- 1982 - In Soviet Russia, the last recorded bowel movement has YOU!!
- 2000 - In Soviet Russia, Y2K bugs YOU!!
Picture of the day
 |
Yet another instance of the deplorable, ferocious blood feud between the French and their mortal enemies. Image credit: Kaizer the Bjorn |
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