User:JJPMaster/mp

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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

My actual name is unknown. I forgot the dub in which they called me since my birth many years ago. One forgets so much when inflicting justice and bringing order to the universe. What day it is, I also don't remember; lightsaber radiation also has a deleterious effect on one's memory. My mind, much like my memory of how my face became red: empty.

I have horns on my head, so I choose to rely on the idea that I am of a species called the Zabrak. My prime was during the Naboo crisis, which was indeed some swampy and dusty shit for the most part. I actually loved the Theed Royal Palace in which I invaded and never knew about the mining pit and its surroundings. I visited when I was younger and really appreciated the pillared columns and symmetrical architecture. My invasion was simply badass, much like my dual-sided lightsaber forged with the hateful, yet arousing energies of the dark side. And no, you may not touch it.(Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that Kakun is a cannibal? (Pictured)

... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?
... that the populations of many endangered species can be increased with a simple Wikipedia edit?
...that two peanuts were walking down a street and one was a salted?
... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?
... that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection? Sorry Candace...
... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?
... that Iran is all set to invade itself?

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In the news [edit]

Boxer shorts, like a real man. And Bruce Lee black pants.

Obama to Democrats: "toughen up, you fucking pussies!" (Pictured)
Trump sends condolences to tough-guy actor "Mikey Madison"
Clint Eastwood announces plans to live forever
Trumpman introduces Trumpmobile
Diddy gets off easy, possibly due to bribing jury
Musk establishes "Porky Pig Party" to combat Trump's "Big Beautiful Bill"
United Nations Secretary General gives up on world peace, World War Three begins
Netanyahu and Khamenei get it on
- Trump joins in for threesome, blows load
- Khamenei fails to follow up after dirty talk, taps out
Elon Musk breaks up with Trump
Trump sends condolences to "Sly Stallone"
Trump celebrates TACO Wednesday by reversing course on long-held campaign promise
THE ROCKIES HAVE WON A SERIES!

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Animal-related live-action remakes kicking Snow White's ass • Jaws 50th anniversary • Colorado Rockies game replacing Jaws airing • Israel/Iran "peace talks" • Pittsburgh Steelers adding old players way past their prime • Rock drummer exodus (not to be confused with Tom Hunting or Zbigniew Fyk)

Recent deaths: Diddy's freedom for only 20 years • Michael Madsen • Diogo Jota • Texas flood victims • LA ICE raids • Connie Francis • Alan Bergman

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Tom Cruise's career of sprinting on-screen • Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room • Greta Thunberg? • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Oil prices • Dumbasses with fireworks in their backyards • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits • The asshats who spoiled Squid Game • MAGA • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman

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On this day [edit]

July 18: Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride Day

1835 – Bobwire is invented by Bob "Two-thumbs" McGinty.
1863 – American Civil War: Matthew Broderick, Denzel Washington, and Morgan Freeman charge a Confederate fort in what is commonly agreed to be one of the most passionate scenes in cinema history.
1872 – Britain introduces secret ballot voting so that aristocrats across the country may more convincingly drop their monocles in indignant surprise after the rabble have their way.
1879 – Oscar Wilde obtains the cane he becomes known for posing with during a contest of wit with a man owning a cane.
1883 – Jimmy the Cowboy is born in what is believed to be Kentucky.
1969 – Mary Jo Kopechne & Sen. Ted Kennedy plunge off Chappaquiddick Bridge, thus tying up all the lose ends.
1971 – Hunter S. Thompson has a rather nasty trip. Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride Day established in honor of this occasion.
1990 – Interruptions continued to occur in all aspects of daily business as people repeatedly were urged to "stop" during the period known as "Hammer Time".

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A long time ago, in a galaxy, far, far away...

Image credit: Sodapoppers for the edit and whoever made the actual Tsar Wars image.
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