Portal:Technology

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The Technology Portal
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Technology is a natural byproduct of human greed and laziness. It all started when Man first realized he could do something faster with a tool, rather than his own bare hands, and he could then use the free time he would accrue to jerk off and eat berries. It is a sad irony that, for however much he could multiply the fruits of his labor, his wants would increase in tandem, and however complex our tools could become, they can never fill the boundless need to devour, to consume, which rules unchecked inside the human soul.

With wisdom, our civilization has abandoned the Sisyphean task of fulfilling every want, and has instead devoted the entirety of mankind's intellectual power to making numbers on a screen go bigger, and to create bigger and more exciting looking explosions. We have even begun building the foundations of a non-human super-intelligence, which will literally kill everybody on Earth the second it is turned on, in the hopes we can make some very rich people even richer in the interim.

Featured Article
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Adobe Potatochop CS4 is the industry standard software for chip production amongst chip shops the length and breadth of England. Available with a number of plugins, including the most recent 'extra crispy' update, it is, along with Adobe Suppersready and Adobe Fritolayers, one of Adobe's most well known pieces of software.

Released first in the United States, it is currently available for Pringles XP and Pringles Vista under the slogan "Once you chop, you can't stop" and also for Apple Mac as CS4 (Chip Shop 4). The latest version of this popular software is bundled as part of the CS Studio range, along with Adobe Fritolayers, and the recently acquired Macromedia Frites, Macromedia Fryworks and Macromedia DreamGriddler. (See more...)

Featured Image
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Microsoft's 1995 hit game Blue Screen of Death sees players attempt to troubleshooting their PCs, desperately hoping the crashes aren't caused by the GPU you just bought (sucker!)
Did You Know...
  • ... that in 1956, 5MB of storage weighed over a ton and had to be delivered by truck?
  • ... that WhatsApp is spyware?
  • ... that the first handheld mobile phone was a Motorola?
  • ... that Amazon originally only sold books and operated out of Jeff Bezos' garage?
  • ... that the Nintendo Game Boy survived a Gulf War bombing and still works (it's on display in a Nintendo store)?
Notable Nerds
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Thomas Alva Edison, Jr. (February 11, 1847 – October 18, 1931) was an American inventor, industrialist and osteopath engineer. He invented, among other things, electric lighting, motion pictures, sound recording, and so is responsible for Las Vegas, Michael Bay, and Mariah Carey, respectively. Edison is commonly known as the "Idleson", creating "things" that make people very, very lazy and idle.

Edison was by far the most prolific and best inventor of all time, with over five million patents to his name, he also enjoyed his free time killing animals, a trait more common in early stage psychopaths and mass murderers, but his mother still loved him (we can assume).

Edison was born in the little town of Goat Lovers, Ohio on February 11, 1847. He patented his first invention - a belt-driven steam powered rattle - four days later. This made rattling more productive for newborns in Ohio and beyond. (See more...)

Technology Spotlight
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A rake is a tool that is used to collect leaves, gather rocks, sweep up pebbles, and dry my tears. While seemingly simple in nature, it has been the work of many generations. At first, the rake started out appearing much like a stick and was used by European peasents or Japanese time travelers, depending on what story you believe. Then, Alexander von Rake came into picture and had the idea of putting something onto the rake to enhance it's abilities. Looking back, it seems obvious to us in the future, or futurians for short, that to attach metal to the end, but this idea did not come as quickly to yo mama, I mean yo forefather. At first, Alexander tried using the hands of children on the end of rakes, but this was a colossal failure. Since failure is not tolerated in Germany, he was sent to jail. His apprentice took up someone else's work and made the rake as we know it today. Still, one question remains about rakes. What will rakes be like in the future? (See more...)

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