Portal:Technology

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
(Redirected from Technology)
Jump to navigation Jump to search
The Technology Portal
Boston dynamics atlas fights back.gif

Technology is a natural byproduct of human greed and laziness. It all started when Man first realized he could do something faster with a tool, rather than his own bare hands, and he could then use the free time he would accrue to jerk off and eat berries. It is a sad irony that, for however much he could multiply the fruits of his labor, his wants would increase in tandem, and however complex our tools could become, they can never fill the boundless need to devour, to consume, which rules unchecked inside the human soul.

With wisdom, our civilization has abandoned the Sisyphean task of fulfilling every want, and has instead devoted the entirety of mankind's intellectual power to making numbers on a screen go bigger, and to create bigger and more exciting looking explosions. We have even begun building the foundations of a non-human super-intelligence, which will literally kill everybody on Earth the second it is turned on, in the hopes we can make some very rich people even richer in the interim.

Featured Article
Indian Head test pattern.JPG

Television is the end product of a signal produced by a stream of electrons impacting on the phosphors of a cathode ray tube. This relatively simple device also happens to be the worst thing to have ever happened to the human race's intelligence. Well, until the Internet that is.

Television also makes you think images are moving. Television sets contain high levels of drugs which wirelessly and invisibly go into your body orally – that's how you think the pictures move. The actual picture on a television screen is actually simply black with nothing. This has been considered by scientists as to why many children and teenagers are addicted to watching television; there are many bright colours in children's programmes, and bright colours can cause double levels of the "teledrug" (the top secret mixture of drugs in a TV set) to feed into the children's brains, so as they are mesmerised by the drugs, more feeds into their tiny little brains. (See more...)

Featured Image
CD-R Toaster.jpg
Some toasters came with the ability to burn CD-R and DVD-R, connected by then lightning fast USB 2.0., however, consumers were put off by the smell of burnt plastic
Did You Know...
  • ... that the first alarm clock could only go off at 4am?
  • ... that X-Y Position Indicator for Display Systems was the name of the first mouse?
  • ... that in 1956, 5MB of storage weighed over a ton and had to be delivered by truck?
  • ... that the original iPod's Easter egg let you play a secret version of Breakout, co-created by Steve Wozniak?
  • ... that the first domain name ever registered was Symbolics.com in 1985?
Notable Nerds
Edison1.jpg

Thomas Alva Edison, Jr. (February 11, 1847 – October 18, 1931) was an American inventor, industrialist and osteopath engineer. He invented, among other things, electric lighting, motion pictures, sound recording, and so is responsible for Las Vegas, Michael Bay, and Mariah Carey, respectively. Edison is commonly known as the "Idleson", creating "things" that make people very, very lazy and idle.

Edison was by far the most prolific and best inventor of all time, with over five million patents to his name, he also enjoyed his free time killing animals, a trait more common in early stage psychopaths and mass murderers, but his mother still loved him (we can assume).

Edison was born in the little town of Goat Lovers, Ohio on February 11, 1847. He patented his first invention - a belt-driven steam powered rattle - four days later. This made rattling more productive for newborns in Ohio and beyond. (See more...)

Technology Spotlight
Sacddig.jpg

The modern Compact Disc (also known as a CD) was first invented by Atlantian priest/scientists prior to Noah's flood. Due to their super advanced mumbo jumbo no one was able to understand the significance of CDs until the mid 1430's when the Evil Ming the Merciless used his secret decoder ring to translate certain Egyptian texts found inside the Great Pyramid (rumored to be a primitive fast food restaurant built by the Atlantians, but in fact the Great Pyramid was originally constructed by aliens from planet Paris25 as a way to keep their razor blades sharp, the Atlantians later modified it for fast food purposes, thus allowing the first ninja to deliver burgers to the ancient Babylonians. The secrets of the ninja/Atlantian alliance have yet to be fully probed). However, in the evolution of the modern CD, scientists increased the loudness of sounds on CD in order to keep the public stupid and ignorant. (See more...)

Quote of the Day
More Portals
Portals complement topics that nobody cares about and expand upon topics that everybody cares even less about.
Retrieved from "https://en.uncyclopedia.co/w/index.php?title=Portal:Technology&oldid=6511063"