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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

The velociraptor is a pickup-truck-sized bipedal carnivore with an extended stiffened tail, distinguished from other dromaeosaurids by its long, low skull and upturned snout. It bears a sickle-shaped claw, typical of dromaeosaurid and troodontid dinosaurs, measuring up to 67 millimeters (2.6 inches) around its outer edge.

Velociraptors are commonly found on tropical islands turned millionaire amusement parks but, due to global warming and some unexpected disasters on said island, they are now being seen all over the world. Velociraptors are known for their highly coordinated packs and unusual intelligence, as evidenced by their nearly successful attempts to destroy humanity (Y2K and 2012) and the fact that they can open doors seemingly effortlessly. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that the toaster in Pulp Fiction is wanted in connection with at least 5 unsolved murders? (Pictured)

... that apparently, this Charles Norris fellow is quite the ruffian?
... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
...that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.
... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
...that contrary to popular belief, the emoticon ":3" is a depiction of someone with a scrotum for a mouth?
... that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection? Sorry Candace...
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?

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In the news [edit]

One simply cannot piss until he scans this.

Starmer unveils new digital ID cards to help further monitor citizens' pornography intake (Pictured)
BoJo and Co. politely ask Nigel Farage to stop lifting children
Florida Man found guilty of attacking Trump "as an alligator", sent to Alligator Alcatraz
Omaha man's order of salmon sliders indistinguishable from salmon burgers
Charlie Kirk gets l+ratio'd during a speech in Utah
Sheeranism officially legalised in Yankeeland
Angela Rayner defects to Reform UK
Hollow Knight: Silksong gets released; Steam crashes for the second time this year
Some mega pop star and her football player boyfriend get engaged. Yaaay.
NFL teams replace female cheerleaders with gay dudes

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia/Ukraine and Israel/Hamas "peace talks" • ICE/Antifa clashes • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • Kids and pregnant moms trying to gain "super autism powers" by binging on Tylenol • Democrats and Republicans throwing hissy fits in Washington

Recent deaths: Terence Stamp • The Devil's Rejects Unrated Director's Cut 4K (also Saw 2 & 3) • Trump's pet sloth • Joe Burrow's toe • Robert Redford • Baltimore Ravens' morale • The US Government's money • Jane Goodall • The Yankees' World Series dreams

Upcoming deaths: DEI • R. Kelly and Bryan Kohberger (in jail) • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Dallas Cowboys', Cincinnati Bengals' and Baltimore Ravens' seasons • MSNBC • Lil Nas X • Donald Trump • Windows 10 • Kids and moms trying to gain autism powers from Tylenol • Mark Sanchez's career and freedom

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On this day [edit]

October 10: Not-for-turning Day, International Day of No Underwear

1582 - Pope Gregory XIII implements the Gregorian calendar. While not wearing any underwear. Pope Gregory announced that turning is immoral.
1807 - Canada defeats The Pirate Nation in the Canadian-Pirate War. Canada turns a new leaf even though they're not supposed to turn...
1815 - Napoleon I of France begins his exile on St. Helena in the Atlantic Ocean. He forgets to pack any underwear. When it was his turn to attack, he refused, stating his famous cathphrase, "Turning will give you herpes."
1980 - Margaret Thatcher declares that she is not for turning, despite the best attempts of pro-turning lobbyists.
1995 - Underwear outlawed in Paris. Riots ensue. Jim Morrision turns in his grave.

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