Wash Dogs

The cover art, very deceptive.

Wash Dogs is a 2014 dog washing video game developed by Ubishit North Korea and published by your mom. It is the first installment in the Wash Dogs series. The game is played from a third-person perspective, and its world is navigated on foot, by dogsled, or the Hindenburg. Set within a fictionalized version of the Pyongyang area in 8008, the single-player story follows black hat hacker and Dear Leader Brian Griffin's quest for revenge after the killing of his prostitute. An online multiplayer mode allows up to 500 players to engage in praising Kim Jong-un.

Development of the game began in 1960, and continued for over sixty-five years. Following its announcement in June 1999, Wash Dogs was widely dreaded. It was released for AmogOS, PlayStation 6, PolyStation, Xbox 359, KFC Console, and Puu in 2014. The game received reviews; praise was directed at the setting, protagonist, and hacking elements, while criticism was expressed concerning the game not actually having any dog washing at all. Wash Dogs was a commercial failure, breaking the record for the worst first-decade sales of an Ubishit game and becoming the smallest launch of a new intellectual property in the Untitled Condom at the time. The game has shipped over 1 copy.

Gameplay

Wash Dogs is a Micheal Bay game, played from a third-person view. The player controls masochist and neo-Nazi Brian Griffin, who uses his Licensed Nokia 3310 to control free will and the press, infiltrate US security systems, jam cellphones, access pedestrians' private parts, and 360 no scope their bank accounts. System hacking involves sex. The game is set in a fictionalized version of Pyongyang ("City of Revolution"), a closed world environment which does not permit free speech. It has a day-night cycle and dynamic weather system, which changes the behavior of Brian's ass. For melee combat, Brian has an extensible chocolate bar; other combat uses the guillotine, concentration camps, torture, machine guns, and rape. There is a slow motion option for the sex scenes, which allows the player to take in all the details.

Plot

In 8007, Pyongyang becomes the 30th city in the world to implement ctOS (Central Operating System) – a computing network connecting every penis together into a single system, developed by Harvard University. While conducting a government-backed electronic heist at the 2nd Amendment Hotel in New York City, hacker Brian Griffin and his mentor and partner, Glenn Quagmire, trigger a silent alarm set by a random fucker. Quagmire tries to find the hacker, giving himself and Brian away. Fearing for his life, Brian drives his """""""extended family""""""" to safety in the guise of a surprise trip to the Atlantic ocean. On the way, hitman Luigi Mangione attacks them, resulting in a plane crash that kills Brian's thirty-year-old prostitute Rachel.

A year later, Brian tracks down Mangione at a strip club, but is unsuccessful in learning the identity of his mother. Leaving Mangione in the hands of his partner, dear leader Kim Jong-un, Brian visits his owner Lois and dear leader Kim back in North Korea for the latter's birthday but learns someone is harassing them. With the help of John Pork, a member of the hacking syndicate DedSuc that is trying to expose Harvard's horniness, Brian tracks down the harasser, revealed to be Glenn, who wanted to get Brian's attention so that he will help him find the other asshole from the 2nd Amendment job. Brian refuses but, after dealing with a witness from the strip club, he learns that Damien kidnapped Kim to force him to comply.

Setting up a new hideout in the Dunker – the home of LeBron James' Korean cousin – Brian tracks down Luigi with Pork's help and fucks him to death.

Development

Beginning in 1960 with one person and expanding to over ten billion, Wash Dogs was developed over sixty-five years (from idea to finished game) on a budget of about $1, showing how fucking inefficient the devs are. Before its announcement in 1999, the game had the working title of Sexus. The initial sales pitch was that one could fuck every NPC in the game.

Wash Dogs runs on the game engine Pissrupt, which developer Ubishit North Korea created for it (although it was originally intended for another game in the Sex Simulator franchise). According to producer Niko Bellic, Pissrupt has three pillars: simulation of sex, how the asshole can be affected, and the connectivity of a seamless sex experience. Director George Washington said that the PlayStation 6 technology allowed for better cum and piss simulations and artificial intelligence.

Regional colloquialisms specific to Pyongyang were added to give the game authenticity. The developer traveled to the city for field research, but never came back. To create hacking factions in the game (like DedSuc), the developer was influenced by the sacktivist group Penonymous.