User:Zarbag/Sausage roll
A sausage roll (also known as bleeeuuuurrrghhh) is a delicious snackfood, popular in the United Kingdom and other places whose markets it has managed to penetrate. Its unique taste, colour and texture has inspired writers and artists including Oscar Wilde, Bono, Orson Welles and Jefferson Starship.
Composition[edit | edit source]
The typical sausage roll is composed of a mixture of gristle, grit, pig's anus, fat, lipstick, hair and if you are extremely lucky you may find a thumb (the "sausage") surrounded by some pasty stuff found clogging up a sink plughole (the "roll"). This is then baked in an oven for around twenty minutes (or fried in pigfat for the Scottish version) before being served. Or left on the shelf of your local Greggs to breed bacteria. The latter is more likely, to be honest. I mean, who "serves" a sausage roll?
Origins[edit | edit source]
The sausage roll was invented in 1647 due to Oliver Cromwell. After a long and hard battle against the forces of the evil Charles I, the future Lord Protector apparently rode with some of his soldiers to a nearby farm and rapped on the door, demanding to see the owner. On the farmer's answer his knocking, he is then reported to have said:
"Good sir, I have fought long and hard defending your liberty and now my hunger must be satisfied. Pray, sir, slaughter for me and my men your fattest pig and present it to us in the form of some delicious pork pies that we might eat"
Unfortunately, the farmer's wife was a terrible cook and didn't know how to make pies so she had the pig-meat mashed up, mixed with sawdust, dirt, dung and as it was the height of fashion at the time crack cocaine rolled into a sausage-shape (the only thing the wench knew to do with pork) and then crudely wrapped in "pastry" ( later the wife realised it was not pastry but was in fact used toilet rags) before being baked. The resulting cooked-mess looked appalling but the farmer feared Cromwell's sword and so presented it to him anyway. Cromwell and his men ate the resulting rolls. Once finished, Cromwell himself declared.
"Sir, you have given me a belly-ache! I wouldn't wipe my arse with that! Well, maybe this once. Oh God! My arse is all greasy, sir!"
The farmer was executed but his wife kept making them for some reason. On the restoration of Charlie's son, the new king heard the tale of the food that made Cromwell ill and commended the farmer's widow and ordered 1000 to be baked for his coronation dinner. Despite nobody actually liking them, they were widely-eaten as nobody wanted to offend the "merry monarch" in case he had them executed. Their function at modern parties continues this role.
The sausage roll in art[edit | edit source]
“My artistic life would have been far poorer without the humble sausage roll. When I couldn't find a rent boy, I used to fuck one out the oven instead. Quite similar if you've been taking opium”
“We built this city on Sausage Roll! ”
“Y'know, when me and The Hedge were trying to write "When Love Comes To Town" and get the respected elderly old artist BB King to sing on it we bribed him with sausage rolls and it worked after we added in a $100,000 sweetener. He never ate the sausage rolls. I still have them; well, The Hedge does. In his fridge.”
“Sausage rolls? I ate them throughout voicing that giant planet for my last film performance. Along with lashings of out-of-date Paul Masson they took away the shame.”
“'Cos it's a long way to the shop if you wanna sausage roll ”
“I'd always wanted to eat my own feces in the name of art and being insane but sausage rolls had to do!”
“I once ate a sausage roll because someone had put lots of drugs in it.”
“Uncooked sausage rolls are like poor billing implementations: They are all half-baked.”
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This line is irrelevant to sausages rolls so do not read it.