User:Zana Dark/Friedrich Nietzsche
Or perhaps, The Nietzche Spiral?
“God is dead, but Elvis lives.”
“Those who would fight the beast must also carry a +2 mace and the BLUE keycard. Trust me, you'll need this when the ninjas attack you in the second corridor.”
“Nietzsche is dead.”
“What does not kill us maims us.”
Friedrich "Reach-Around" Nietzsche (rhymes with "pietzsche", "mietzsche", or "tietzsche", and not to be confused with the British pronunciation of "tkczienschtzsche" was a man most noted for his suave demeanor and impressive sexual prowess. It is reported that only Arnold Schwarzenegger could beat his record of sexual harassment lawsuits. Nietzsche is persistently mistaken as a German philosopher, psychologist, and classical philologist, but he was actually a psychic and could fly using telepathy. He is among the most readable of psychics since he wrote very large, sometimes only using a few words per page, and this has led his work to be misinterpreted by common morons and as such identified with Philosophical Romanticism, Nihilism, Anti-semitism, and even The War on the Future. Nietzsche himself vociferously denied such tendencies in his work, even to the point of denying his own existence and God's. Despite his shortcomings as a philosopher, Friedrich was a widely-famed drinking instructor, as there was nothing he couldn't teach about the raising of the wrist. Nietzsche was also known for his hatred of Richard Wagner, mainly because Wagner supposedly twice threw Nietzsche's copy of Oedipus Rex into the Mediterranean Sea.
The Nietzche[edit | edit source]
Friedrich Nietzsche, or "The Nietzche" for short, as he preferred to be called, was largely overlooked during his short, painful and somewhat itchy life, which ended at the age of 44 with a vicious mauling at the hands of an enraged orangutan named Hans. Friedrich lived a troubled adolescence, stemming from both the intense difficulty he had in spelling his own name, and his inexplicable fear of exclamation points. As a world famous romantic and ape-afficianado, The Nietzche is probably most well known for an often-heard, but less often-attributed, quote: Monkeys and Apes Are People, Too.
The idiosyncratic nature of The Nietzche's prose style (which abounds in the kind of infectious urban slang that has given rise over the years to such literary gems as: oh no you didn't, you know what I'm sayin, and badonkadonk) has not prevented the spawning (or biting) of his style by sucker emcees who couldn't bust a rhyme to save they skin. Better check yourselves, foo's; The Nietzche will take it on back and play it again, put his name down, flip it, and reverse it - make no mistake, The Nietzche will school you fools on the meaning of pain.
The last few years of Nietzsche's life were marked by his lawsuit involving Superman and DC comics, which didn't actually exist at the time of his writings, but DC made enough money in the year 2312 to build a time machine and went back in time to sue Nietzsche for screwing DC out of copyrights to Superman in Germany where he is known as "Zuterman" (which roughly translates as "inflatable penis").
Main Works[edit | edit source]
Nietzsche has written many books, including The Science of Happiness, Electric Freedom Rainbow, Super-Sparkly Purple Unicorns, and various articles for men on picking just the right lingerie for one's skin tone. Here are some more of Nietzche's well-known pieces:
- The Birth of Tragedy: Soulseek:in this book, Nietzsche analyzes the effects of P2P programs on the life of teenagers and points to Indie Rock as the start of the end.
- Also Slap Zarathustra: while entertaining a BDSM relationship with his good friend's mother, Nietzsche suddenly got an insight which brought him to an instantaneous Nirvana after which he realized he wasn't Nietzsche, but the anagram of it - which goes Zarathustra'. It is with this insight, that Zarathustra-Nietzsche found out that in any satisfactory BDSM relationship with your friend's mom, you should not only slap her, but get slapped by her as well. Hailed as an unsurpassed masterpiece of egalitarianism, it was later on used by Virginia Woolf to promote feminist agendas at pro-choice rallies.
- Human, Way Far Too Much Exceedingly Human: in this momentous book of 7,303 pages (abridged versions of only 5 pages are available), Nietzsche speaks of the many advantages of being a deity. He argues that God can find much better jobs than humans can, needs no plumbers on weekends, and that his job is so good that he sticks to it a lil' too much, being thus a clear cause of unemployment. Hailed by Karl Marx as the quintessential work against the many evils of Capitalism, was later on seized by the Nazis, who read of it only Karl Marx's introduction, as a manifesto of subversion (they changed their minds when they realized that the first 7,203 pages were not by Nietzsche, but they were by Karl Marx's introduction - alas, then it was too late already, and the war derived from this unfortunate misunderstanding was coming to an unexpected closing). It is because of this book that Nietzsche has been accused so many times of having been the cause of World War II.
- The Twilight Of The Toilets: hailed still today as a monument to the no global strife for a clean environment, this compelling pamphlet is the reason why bathrooms in bars are today far cleaner they were at Nietzsche's times. When G.W.Bush refused to sign the Kyoto Treaty on 1891, he was attacked by the great writer and Nietzschean follower Michael Moore using the very same arguments Nietzsche used in this terrific book: "If you cannot keep clean your toilet, keep at least paper and waste in your courtyard" - a compelling argument that smashed G.W.Bush to the degree he was about to miss re-election (which he re-won by mistake).
- Beyond Pelvis and Elvis: another compelling book where Nietzsche proved that you cannot move your pelvis like Elvis, if you are in a bad mood. A landmark of metaphysical thought: it is famous the sentence "Go beyond this and that, if you don't like this and that. But for God's sake, move on, and make a goddamn decision!". The must read for any tiptoe dancer.
- Unbecoming Considerations: hailed as the best manifesto ever against literary censorship, this book composed of 4 essays spreading throughout 2000 utterly blank pages, is a distressing and harrowing denunciation against the evils of Capitalism and of its die-hard oppression of free thought. Only in the last page Nietzsche wrote a line, later to become as famous as to be used as a personal motto by G. Dubya B.: "Away with the USA! Let's go to Iran, there freedom of thought exists indeed!".
- The Anti-Bush: in this compelling (again) book, Nietzsche, very annoyed by the fact that Bush used his sentences, joined the no global crusade under the banners of copyright infringements of free thoughts. After the publication of this monumental work in 18,000 pages, the now global movement declared Nietzsche its hero soon after having read the famous first two lines of it: "If I have something to say, I wouldn't say it to Mr. Bush. Away with Mr. Bush! Let's go to Iran, there freedom of thought exists indeed".
- The Will To Willy: a posthumous work, that therefore Nietzsche keeps updating only occasionally; here he says that you cannot want if you cannot wiggle a willy. It is from here that Freud got his first idea of psychoanalysis. An amazing book of unusual mystical power, that should be read while in hospital in order to have immediate ER care if you get an attack after its first pages (several sudden and mysterious deaths of young men still holding a copy of this book in their hands, have been reported). A must read. Five thumbs up!
Nietzsche's Chatlog[edit | edit source]
It is a well known fact that Nietzsche, like most 19th century German philosophers of Polish descent, spent much of his time on IRC. While previously unpublished, the following chatlog was recently released to us by Nietzsche's moustache.
[1885]Nietzsche: God is dead.
[1889]***Nietzsche is idle***
[1900]***Nietzsche has quit (Connection reset by pneumonia.)
[1900]God: Owned.
The surprising thing about this fragment is that much of Nietzsche's confusion in this matter could have been avoided if he had simply reviewed the earlier logs, where it was established that God was simply away. Note particularly the following excerpt:
[0035]Jesus: BRB LOL
[0035]***Jesus sets mode: +o Holy_Spirit
Did You Know?[edit | edit source]
- The son of German minimalists, Nietzsche was given no first name just like Prince, Bono, Cher or Ted McGinley. He sometimes went by "Fred" or "The Nitzscherator".
- Nietzsche's works are seen frequently in the videogame Halo. Some have confused this with Final Fantasy, but it is highly unlikely that they are related.
- Nietzsche was People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive," 1893
- It is impossible to spell Nietzsche incorrectly.
- Nietzsche had his own breakfast cereal, 'Über-Munch'.
- Dynamite is made with peanuts. Or peanut butter. I can't remember.
But, Could He Make A Good Cup of Coffee?
It is widely believed he made a damn fine cup of coffee, and hot. Whether his cherry pie was also good remains a matter of speculation amongst scholars to this day.
