User:TwoForOne/Soul Calibur
Soul Calibur is a video game made by Namco as a side project after finishing Tekken 2. After brainstorming for hours, Namco decided to use Soul Calibur to tell the story of Siegfried Schtauffen and his friends, but they didn't do too well.
Characters of Soul Calibur[edit | edit source]
Xianghua (pronounced "bob") is a member of Cirque Du Soliel that has accidentally killed a number of other cast members with her "Sword-ka-bob" trick. This has actually made the circus more successful and her popularity caused her to be invited to participate the events outlined here.
Kilik is the name of an extension of the male psyche that must poke everything that moves with a long, cylindrical object. Given the nature of the females (and some of the males) in Soul Calibur, this is understandable.
Maxi was born in New Jersey, doubled for John Travolta in Grease, and eventually became a successful Elvis impersonator in Las Vegas. He cannot play the guitar but bashes people over the head with nunchucks. The chicks dig it. ALso the name of pads used to block....things.
Astaroth (pronounced “big bob”) is a bright and cheerful seven year-old in Mrs. Puff’s Kindergarten Class (he was held back a year because of problems "adjusting" to not putting his ax in his classmates heads.) He likes drawing puppies and reading Dr. Seuss books, but does not like nappy time.
Taki is a ninja demon hunter and the inventor of spandex. Her use in the game was to prove that when a large pair of unsupported breasts are allowed to jiggle freely, women will squirm as much as men do when they view another guy getting hit in the crotch. Seriously, how does she fight demons without a sports bra? She’s going to be seriously droopy before she reaches 35 if she’s not careful. She could benefic the world if she just took it all off and let them babies SHWANNNGG!
Voldo was made to appeal purely to the "pale Italian men in gimp gear" demographic that currently accounts for a whopping .05% of the gaming population. Even they, however deviant, are at least thankful that Voldo gets a bikini wax before each chapter of the epic saga, according to Namco’s long lost Soul Calibur Apocrypha.
George Washington is a playable character, despite the fact he was not born for another 150 years, and alternates between being a respectable first president of the United States, and a leather-clad dominatrix with a nice rack. (This is also the real reason he won at Valley Forge). In Soul Calibur 3, he was replaced with Pat Benetar for licensing reasons.
Cervantes is a pirate fighting for rights, since he is far outnumbered by ninjas in this game. His organization, ARRR (Ancient Reclusive Renegade Robbers) seeks equal rights in gaming for pirates, as their numbers are becoming rarer and rarer in video games due to a proliferation of ninjas. He hates Taki in particular, but always loses to her because he ends up staring at her hypnotic boobs.
Raphael is a flamboyant French born, Italian named, Spanish dancing, British raper...er, rapier-welder. He has proven to be extremely popular with players because every time another character comes near him, he uses his super-secret, game ending move in which he drops his sword, and starts flamenco dancing. Not only does this look pretty, it causes all of his opponents to instantly drop their weapons, stand there and clap whilst he walks up to them and stabs them in the face.
Tira is new to the game, introduced in Soul Calibur 3. Her weapon is a hula hoop. At one time, Tira was a famous gymnast bound for the Olympics, but when she found out the original Olympics stopped in 340 BC and would not start up again until the 1890’s, she decided to inflict pain on others instead, making her history’s first Tonya Harding. Her voice is a top secret experiment designed by the designers at Namco to see if they can find a Japanese voice actress who speaks with a high enough pitch to make dogs cry out in pain. They are close, if results from Tira are any indication.
Yun-Seong is the great-great-great-great-great (Say "great" rapidly for 20 minutes) grandfather of Hwoarang. In fact, he's also an ancestor of Spongebob Squarepants and Timmy Turner. Timmy Turner is the wielder of the Soul Edge. One day, he battles against Gizzardman. Sadly, he loses and Soul Edge is broken into pieces. After this his wife, Spongemary gave birth to Yun-Seong who became the father of Spongebob who then became the father of Hwoarang who Was the father of Dumbledore who had a friend named Robert Langdon who had a wife named Setsuka who also appeared in Soul Calibur 3 where she met Son Gokou, her second wife who gave birth to George Washington who is also a Soul Calibur character.
Sophitia, a follower of Hephestius who was chosen to fight and vanquished Cervantes in the first game. In spite of a curse which forces her clothing to perpetually shrink, she continues her quest for freedom and peace.
Cassandra the younger sister of Sophitia who is only on the quest because Sophitia's mom totally made her take her.
Mitsurugi is a samurai. A samurai was a Japanese version of a knight. A knight rode on a horse and a horse has a saddle. A saddle is a weapon used by samurai warriors during the 16th century. One of these samurai was Mitsurugi. After failing to acquire the Soul Edge on multiple occasions due to an endless parade of effeminate men and teenage girls who somehow outclassed him, he became a prosecutor, thus dooming his soul to a hell more furious than the Soul Edge ever would have.
Siegfried (pronounced "Sick Freak") The protagonist of the series. Despite kicking Nightmare's, Raphael's, Cervantes' and just about every other character in the game's ass(es), he is never able to successfully destroy Soul Edge. This is obviously because every time he's about to destroy Soul Edge the horde of Soul Calibur fangirls maul him (Because he says one of his angsty lines) and he somehow screws up. Nice job, asswhipe.
Rock (Pronounced "Cocaine") Big guy who carries around a giant axe. He is the person who Astaroth is based off of but somewhere, the guys making Astaroth went wrong and turned him into a giant red muscular dude. Anyways, Rock got his precious axe destroyed while fighting a lizardman. He adopted a Native American 13 year old boy for unknown resons,but some people think he's actually a child molestor.
The Dodo A bird that is a new character in SC4. He one of the two characters in SC4 that is 'God Tier', therefore bringing the world ever closer to the apocolypse. When will NamcoBandai learn NOT to obliterate the world?
Talim (Pronounced "That Little Bitch With the Tonfa-Sword Things") A character introduced in SC2 for players who wanted the satisfaction of performing well in the game without doing anything besides button-mashing. In fact, pressing random buttons yields such good results that Namco decided to make her a wind priestess, because a stong wind blowing on the controller will sometimes cause an input that results a flawless victory against the computer AI on hard difficulty. She also effectively replaces Sophitia as the token "innocent" character, in the interest of giving Sophitia bigger boobs in SC4.
Algol (pronounced Algor) is the king of the hill and can make his hands to swords, guns, fish, etc. he is a bad parant because he killed his son to become king (tities ftw) we know he can't but rumors say that he can change to any form (we know he can't) others say that he grows tits under his hill.
rough skin man i mean (lizard man)is a person how lacks the skill of using oientment and kills ppl by hitting them with a gay axe shaped like a dildo until they fall to the floor of his map and repeatedly scratches them with his skin. For years he has tried to stop being so damn ugly (britney spears) and being so untalented to put on some DAMN LOTION. After he kills his prey he rapes the women a whore named "ivy" was only knocked out and was made pregnant by bad skin guy how gave birth to george washington the 2nd how married a bitch named algol fear and gave brith to peter pan.
The "plot" of Soul Calibur[edit | edit source]
"Transcending history and the world... A tale of souls and swords, eternally retold... until the next Dead or Alive game comes out."
~ The Intro of Soul Calibur
In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth.
Then, for some reason, he made a "good" sword and a "bad" sword. Then, he realized that he had no one to use them, as he short-sightedly did not design any animals with opposable thumbs.
So he created humans, gave them the weapons, and sat back and laughed as they beat the crap out of each other. After a while, he got bored and decided to plant dinosaur bones in the ground to confuse the hell out of the humans.
But we digress.
The tale truly begins with the pirate Cervantes, who found the sword in a box of Cracker Jacks. He soon discovered it was waaay better than a decoder ring. So he pillaged and looted pretty much unopposed, and made a bunch of other people fight over the sword.
Then a buttery young Greek girl named Sophitia beat him up and broke his sword. Cervantes was so embarrassed he pretty much curled up and died right there.
A studly young Aryan named Siegfried Endroy then found the sword and turned into a fierce evil warrior named Knightrider. With his whimsical talking car, he drove around Europe whacking the hell out of peasants. This made a bunch of people fight over the sword again.
This time, Xianghua beat Siegfried up and broke the sword again, proving that while the Soul Edge is evil and all-powerful, it has a propensity for picking girly men who regularly get trounced by bubbly and cheerful sixteen year-old girls with large bosoms.
He gave Siegfried a second chance. Siegfried again roamed as Knightrider before somehow beating himself up this time and breaking the sword yet again. A bunch of people fought over the sword in the meantime.
Then, Soul Edge decided to hell with that and just wielded himself. If those little pansies couldn’t handle all of that firepower, he would take care of things on his own.
The final story has yet to be decided, but you can bet it’s going to end with a girl or very effeminate man breaking the Soul Edge. The people who will inevitably fight over it may seriously want to quit while they’re ahead and just invest in a good set of steak knives.
Soul Calibur IV[edit | edit source]
Announced June 12, 2007, Soul Calibur IV is rumored to have only one playable character, a dominatrix named Isabella "Ivy" Valentine who is rumored to be somehow related to George Washington. Not being satisfied with being only top tier in Soul Calibur I - III, she developed a new tier for her, and her alone - God Tier, resulting in her ability to win against every opponent through abusive usage of "God Whisper" and obtrusive cleavage.
If two Ivys were to be pitted against each other, the universe would consequently explode, similarly to dividing by zero, thus rendering Soul Calibur IV the first game to be classified as weapon of mass destruction.
Darth Vader is reviled to be Mirsurugi's father in this game.