User:Testicles/Shit Music (to be stolen if original article is huffed)
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Shit music is the scientific and medical term for music that causes constant involuntary bowel movements. It can be predominantly found on MTV and found on iPods of high school students. It is known to create doubt, loss of faith, loss of virginity, and A&R psychic meltdown. Here are a few examples of shit music:
Bright Eyes[edit | edit source]
This "band" was created by Connor Oberst, an overrated suburban boy with a knack for girls' pants...used girls' pants. Turns out Connor can't play the guitar worth shit, but he gets by with stupidly easy power chords and constantly playing the D chord. Despite his seemingly innate ability to suck, fans, especially pubescent girls, go crazy over him because he's slightly attractive if you squint your eyes.
Green Day[edit | edit source]
Somehow, this band didn't always suck. Actually they did, a bit. Only after their release of "American Idiot" however did they prove they were shit music. In fact, scientists the world over were amazed that one band could fit such a high level of pure shit on one optical disc. Of course, to top off the continuous bowel movements they forced to come out of speakers and amplifiers, Billie Joe Armstrong decided to get a sex change, finally becoming a man.
My Chemical Romance[edit | edit source]
This all-guy band started in the suburbs of Jersey, a totally completely rad hardcore place to grow up. It was originally started by lead vocalist Gerard Way, and his brother, Milky Way. With two years of instrument lessons (the first of which was spent learning how to put on scary make up), and less than a month of rehearsal, they made it big with such songs as"Helena" and "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)"; and all of these songs contain no musical talent or effort. They are also well known for their shitty music videos (i.e. a funeral the turns into a musical, etc.). Though they are often called “MCR” for short, they have also been referred to as:
- The band that I listen to when I want to listen to something that wil make me question the existence of a God.
- That one group with that one guy who has the shittiest voice
- The retarded band with a pansy lead vocalist.
- people with terrible music taste's favorite band.
- The band that I listen to when I want to listen to something that wil make me question the existence of joy.
- The band that I listen to when I want to listen to something that wil make me question my family, the authority, my bus driver, some guy, and my gender.
- Lastly, if a person makes a statement such as, “this is fucking amazing”, they are probably not listening to My Chemical Romance.
My Chemical Romance has also been romantically linked to Bert MCcracken. Unfortunately, Michael Jackson denies it, stating, "My Chemical Romance...I never did anything with those young men. I mean, they suck! IN THE BAD WAY! For God's sake!"
On a side note, Gerard Way and Michael Jackson are both strikingly similar in appearance. Below are two side-by-side contrasts between the two musicians. Draw your own conclusions:
| Comparison One | ||
| Comparison Two | ||
Other Examples[edit | edit source]
- Emo music (as a whole; otherwise known as butt-rock)
- Rap (as a whole)
- James Blunt
- Hi-5
- John Miles
- Nick Who
- Nickleback(as a whole)
- Boy Bands (as a whole)
So What is “Shit Music”?[edit | edit source]
A band/artist is considered “shit music” if…
- all of the members share pants and shop together.
- the lyrics are too fucking hard to figure out due to various grammatical mistakes, shitty vocals, and/or the lyrics being simply meaningless mixture of words.
- they (the band members) don’t know the meaning of the word “guitar solo”.
- they originated from a suburb (a majority of shit music artists come from the suburbs. Exception to the rule: Nirvana; but they can be blamed for this much needed ruling.).
- it is played on MTV.
- the members wear makeup (i.e. eyeliner). Exception to the rule:
Phil CollinsMötley CrüeKissAnything prior to 1991. - they have a pretentious vocalist by the shit name of "Bono".
- they don’t state Led Zeppelin as an influence, or even know about Led Zeppelin. J.P. IS GOD!
- they state Black Sabbath as an influence, but wouldn't tell Iron Man from Spiderman.
- none of the members know how to tune a guitar.
- they had to have someone do that for them.
- they also had to have real musicians backstage play the insturments for them.
- they would be supplied with different insturments on stage and faux play them
- they advertise for themselves and ask blatantly for votes on TRL or other obvious fan support.
- they vote for democrats.
- they cry and get upset at the word "republican" or "conservative."
- they sound shitty (obviously)
- the band is named "Fall Out Boy"
- they sing about rainbows Exception to the rule: Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow, Ronnie James Dio and Kermitt the Frog's "Rainbow Connection.
- they're lead singer sounds like a five year kid being fucked while singing. Yeah, you know you what I'm talking about, sick FUCKING bastard, I KNOW you like to touch your thingy while looking at child porn when you listen to Billy Corgan. Please don't do it anymore, would you?
- they whine so much you'd rather be with your six-year old cousin
- ARRGGHHHH MY EARS!
- Anything that refers to my penis
- They mention cutting their wrists in their so called lyrics.
- The singer looks and/or sounds like a girl. Exception to the rule: Freddie Mercury
- old school rap is "da shit", but modern rap is more like "shit, da"
- Whine about being emo, cutting themselves, then slashing blood all over themselves
- Dont know what a Gibson or Fender is, probually thinks they are sex toys
- "Dude looks like a lady!" Does not include Aerosmith
- Steals lyrics/riffs from other bands. Such as Gym Class Heroes stole from Supertramp.
- Dosent know who Jimi Hendrix was, but states him as an influence becuase he is black, and they think it will look good on their part
- Use older bands lyrics, but they have no idea of the point of the song.\
- Pretend they know what real music is but they don't show it.
- Play the same chords on the same instruments over and over and over again.,
- Convince people that there music is good.
- Male band members love cheerleaders or any kind of emo.
- Self harm
- Come from New York City, Los Angeles, or any part of the midwest (excluding hick towns), and California (excluding the great city of San Francisco).
- Demand respect because they claim to play great music and come from one of the areas mentioned above.
- Gets angry when someone says something bad.
- Threatens to notify a moderator, their parents, or the police.
How It Happens[edit | edit source]
Some of you may be wondering just how this type of music causes bowel movements; some of you may even be suggesting that it's anatomically impossible. Dr. Zhivago and Cecil explain that it is first caused when the ears pick up the soundwaves. The precise arrangement of rhythm shit, bass shit, and pitch more shit found in shit music irritates the Eustachian tube in the ear, causing a complete loss of controlled pressure in the pharynx. It's unknown after that what happens, but it does happen, and it will happen to your mom. It has also been termed 'brown' noise, and is nothing like white noise, or blues.
It has been recognized as a national epidemic. Currently, there is no cure for shit music. One of the only known treatments available are large supplements of morphine and LSD. Another suggested cure is to listen to Holosync Technologies or talk to a DJ, but this is costly, and may take years to begin to assist in reprogramming already severely damaged motor neuron functioning in the brain. There is a danger that shit music may inadvertently snap the corpus collosum and render the listener bi-polar. Once shit music has been detected, medical advice is to run in the opposite direction without making it obvious to anyone what you are doing. Do this silently, like a meditation to release the pressure in your mind. If all else fails, stop listening to all music for awhile and start your own band.
Symptoms[edit | edit source]
Here are a few symptoms of one who listens to shit music:
- have slit wrists/scar tissue on the wrists.
- wearing dark eyeliner.
- going to Wikipedia.org.
- drawing/wearing "heartagrams".
- excessively writing on MySpace about going to "shows", the likes of which sucked.
- the inability to survive a mosh pit.
- becoming bisexual overnight.
- putting holes in jeans for "fashion".
- using "<3", ever.
- dying your hair black.
- writing whiny poetry about, blood, crappy music, poopy music, shitty music, four walls, etc...
- after all of the above, wonders why people don't "get them".
- reading Naked Lunch and claims it's the best book ever.
- thinking Stairway to Heaven is an "uncool Christian-rock song"
- constantly jacking off to Lindsay Lohan
