The Neverending Story

Doesn't this just make you want to shoot somthing?

The Neverending Story is a traumatizing story written by Benjamin Franklin. The story never ends and the novel is said to be "infinity times infinity" in page number. Nobody in the world was ever able to finish that crap, except Chuck Norris, who panned the book for being a bit lengthy in his influential review. Many readers have tried to skip towards the ending, but were unable to get to the end of the the book due to its incredible length and would end up miles away from where they were. Luckily for us, Chuck had decided to make a film adaption of the book, though due to the movie being infinitely long, cuts were made in order to compress the film into two hours.

If you have never seen this worthless shit heap of a movie, then you have saved yourselves the temptation to gouge your eyes. For those of you who spent two hours of your lives prematurely donating your souls to Satan then I sympathize with you. Many don't know that the Neverending Story was originally called the Neverending Shit, but the author realized (after thirty grams each of PCP and LSD) that people would rather hear about pedophile dragons and racist elves than large turds.

The Beginning

		Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Number Six escapes from The Village, Mr. Orange is the cop, Mister Glass was the mad bomber to begin with, John Preston kills the man controlling "Father" (who isn't real), Brad and Jessie become zombies, Austin Powers and Dr. Evil are brothers, Ben elopes with Mrs. Robinson's daughter during her wedding, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!

This is the story of a young Indian sex slave named Atreyu and his journey to save The Childlike Empress (his master) and the magical world of Fantasia from an enemy called The Nothing. The Nothing is apparently pissed off that it doesn't have a soul and can't get busy with the princess. All these events are happening within a book called The Neverending Story. The reader is this little kid named Bastian (I hear Chippendale's calling) camped out in the school attic because he is too much of a little bitch boy fuck head to stand up to the bullies. So instead of sticking up for himself he succumbs to his inner nerd and decides to spend the rest of the day reading.

The plot thickens

Atreu getting dirty

Back in Fantasia Atreyu is being shown the way to please his horse Artax, by the mischievous turkey fucker Michael Moore, when trouble arrives. Artax gets caught in the swamp. Artax lives through the swamp, but eventually dies of the gonorrhea it got from Atreyu. After the death of Artax, Atreyu seems out of luck. Then the mountain he is standing on becomes a giant turtle named Islamafucajihadirka. Once the turtle stops calling Atreyu an old woman, it says that the only way to save Fantasia is by finding a pimp to help sell The Childlike Empress for some straight-up dough. After talking to the turtle Atreyu meets a big white dog that looks like a stripper version of Scooby Doo. It turns out not to be a stripper but a pedophile dragon named Falkor. Falkor agrees to give Atreyu a ride, but only if he gives the dragon some chronic. After tokin' for a solid thirty minutes Atreyu and Falkor set off. All the while Bastian is trying to extract something to smoke from his hemp sweatshirt.

Falkor is actually a wanted child molester and loves to sweep little kids like Bastian off to his "magical world" thanks to the help of strong drugs and a one-way ticket to Michael Jackson's Neverland. He asks them to scratch behind his ******** and what not. I recommend you watch this enchanting children's film if you are in the mood for peeing your pants from utter fright or attraction to Falkor's silky fluffy hair (which is directly descended from David Bowie's hair). Yepp watch it guys ... It rocks my socks yah WATCH IT or else Limahl will appear at your window tonight riding on Falkor's back so they can sweep you off that magical place, a.k.a. "Happiness". Enjoy!

Epilog

Falkor and Atreyu are flying around when they run into The Nothing. They realize that The Nothing is really something and that that something is a big muthafuckin storm that would make Katrina look like a bitch. After getting the shit kicked out of them by the storm Atreyu and Falkor land at this creepy house. The house belongs to these two old elves who are incredibly racist. At first the elves keep calling Atreyu a dot head and telling him to go suck Gandhi's dick, but then they realize that at least he wasn't a dirty Mexican. After chillin' with the elves Atreyu must pass the gate of a thousand Mongolians. In order to pass he must perform the ancient Chinese war dance as seen on South Park.

THE END

Wait, what?