I'd like to talk to you about Jesus
Jesus has always been a touchy subject. Not many people want to talk about our Lord and Savior. Some even go so far as to consider it awkward when Jesus is brought up in polite conversation. Due to this inclination to believe that Jesus kills a conversation, many people don't get to know how truly amazing the man who died for our sins really is.
Sure, we all know Jesus is white – he has long flowing hair, a perfectly trimmed beard, and a Californian complexion – that much is obvious from any photograph or painting. But what about the smaller details about Jesus that people just ignore nowadays? Maybe if people weren't so quick to slam the door in the face of a religious scholar they would know more facts about Jesus. For instance ...
Jesus has an extensive grasp of the concept of zero
Everyone knows that the Arabic people developed the concept of zero, right? It was basically all we remember from high school history, so it must be true, right? WRONG! While the terrorists were still tinkering away in their sand, developing a blasphemous devotion to false gods, Jesus was pimping out mathematics as we know it, by creating the concept of zero as a digit on the number line.
Some theologians hypothesized that Jesus would have also developed the foundations of negative numbers, had he not been viciously murdered by the heathen Romans in the name of their laughable multiple false gods. He also would have created a cure for cancer. Good call there Romans. Dumbasses.
Jesus wears a cape
You probably didn't know this, but Jesus wears a cape. It's true! That makes him a superhero! It's the transitive property of superheroes. In fact, Jesus was the only documented superhero-messiah. Was Buddha a superhero? No. Was the Prophet Muhammad a superhero? No. Was Shiva a superhero? That's still debatable, but the Vatican has taken a firm "not until proven otherwise" stance on Shiva as a superhero.
Jesus is a Republican
Most people don't realize it, due to his blatant liberal-minded endorsement of the welfare state, but Jesus is in fact a Republican. In 1980 he ran as the Republican Presidential Nominee in the United States. He overwhelmingly defeated his opponent, the incumbent Jimmy Carter, 489 electoral votes to 49. He again won the Presidential Election in 1984, again for the Republican Party against Walter Mondale by the embarrassingly large margin of 525 electoral votes to 13.
Following Jesus's second election, an amendment to the Constitution was proposed that would ban Jesus from being elected President. This amendment was designed to save the Democratic Party the embarrassment of losing an election by 512 electoral votes. The Amendment was laughed out of the Senate by the Republican majority, and never made it past preliminary stages.
Sympathy For the Devil
I know what you're thinking, Devil: There's no way the song "Sympathy For the Devil"[1] could possibly be about Jesus. Well, not surprisingly you would be wrong again! It is a widely accepted fact among the religious community that during Jesus's childhood his nickname was "Devil" – an endearing name his friends had given him for turning water into wine and throwing kick-ass parties.
Needless to say, the Stones know their way around a Bible, as is made clear by a whole slew of religion-themed songs such as "Sweet Black Angel", "Jiving Sister Fanny", and "Stoned" which is a delightful ditty about stoning Jews to death.
Jesus has several Shamans
Jesus is an avid fan and hardcore gamer when it comes to the MMORPG World of Warcraft. He has been a subscriber to WoW ever since he decided that RuneScape is really a terrible game. Spend two hundred hours clicking on rocks to get 99 mining? Not likely. WoW became that replacement.
Jesus loved the game immediately, but had a special thing for the race of shit-slinging cow people, specifically the shit-slinging cow people who can transform into non-cow animals. Jesus has accomplished what very few people have been able to do: achieve level 80, not once but six times. Jesus's Tauren Shamans are well known on his home Gorefiend server.
With the release of the expansion pack to Cataclysm, Jesus knew what he had to do. He pulled the toilet, fridge, and a reclining chair into his man-cave, fired up that old Hewlett Packard, and went on a seven-day WoW binge. The end result was six Tauren Shamans at level 85, and a server full of jealous level 4 Goblins (not to mention some very clogged up holy-bowels).
Jesus is happy that you now know more about him
Aren't you glad you took the time to find out more about Jesus and facts about him that are less-commonly known? Perhaps now when that kind gentleman comes to your doorstep, asking you about Jesus, you will think before slamming the door in his face and taking a shower to wash the sin off of your unsaved body.
And remember, Jesus loves you. Always.
