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Lazer

An example of US military aircraft equipped with lasers as weapons.

Laser Colors

Lasers come in all the colors of the reading rainbow, even indigo and gamma. The reason for this is because light is inherently a preference on what color to be. Lasers are by definition then the most diverse race of machine there is. Pretty much all kinds of colors are available in laser form, even Pepto Bismol pink. Just don't use the word "fag" around that laser, or it will get in your eye and blind you for life.

Shoop Da Whoop Fires His Lazor

History of Lasers

Lasers originated from the eyes of Lenin when he first heard of Marxism, thus literally sparking the Russian Revolution. Lenin used his newly found powers to over throw the Czar and the White army in a little under twenty minutes. Historians believe that when Lenin did this he would yell, "Capitalism is my bitch", "Shoopodeebooawpcawop", and, "Lasers!" When Lenin froze himself to be able to crush capitalism in the distant future (the idea/science inspired from his favorite comic books) the Russians sold his laser eyes to Philips in 1945 to invent the first compact disc player. Owners of the first generation of CD players could hear the distant cries of Lenin as his eyes tried to free themselves from the CD player, which eventually they did causing the cold war and the race to the moon (where Lenin was hiding and writing material for his band). Luckily America reached the moon first and fought Space Lenin as Buzz Aldrin watched from the shuttle. America, as in the whole country, returned home and boasted mercilessly to the Russians. With the eyes intact, Jeff Goldblum uncovered the technology behind Lenin's eyes and artificially created new ones for Philips. Thus the term LASER; Lenin's Artificial Seeing Energy Ray. Bob Dole once tried to take over the U.S. with LASER technology but failed when JFK traveled through time from the year 3172 and replaced the original Bob Dole with a clone ninja. Then ninjas tried to kill Bob Dole because he tried to take over the world, and he wasn't cool enough to be a ninja so ha.

Years later, in Germany they found mutated dolphins that had lasers that could disable radars. Originally these were used in the cold wars and played a great advantage for dolphins. Now the dolphins serve to blind either Japanese whalers or for killing save the world greenies.

How a Laser works

Laser now stands for Look At Source,Erase Retinas. First, a beam of light originating in the 27th century is concentrated to the point where it ruptures the space-time continuum. This causes the laser beam to travel backwards in time by approximately 650 (sometimes 651) years, where it intersects a 21st century bowl of transparent strawberry Jell-O^TM brand gelatin dessert, which is conveniently mounted within a lead-lined box with a complicated set of interchangeable lenses and various paraphernalia that collectively make the whole contraption look pretty darn intimidating. Thereby, a chain of atomic army ants moving at the speed of light emerge, devouring anything in their path. It is considered dangerous to be in their way, although DARPA is currently researching a laser-proof defense system based on advanced anteater technology and a glue gun. (For more information on anti-laser defense, please contact the American Red Cross.)

An alternate explanation to how a Shoop da Whoop happens is when you concentrate a massive amount of win in your mouth (called chargin mah lazor), and then release it via a laser beam (called FIRIN' MAH LAZOR!). This form of laser is called a LAZOR (as you should be able to guess from reading the previous statement), which is short for L33tness Actually Zooms Out Rapidly. A Shoop da Whoop can also be canceled by putting something in the mouth of the charger, such as a taco. This will result in the caster releasing a royal rainbow, and swallowing his own laser (OPS I SWALLOWED MAH LAZOR!).

Jib:I Hate Royal Rainbows. Pretty much, but lester almost Fired his lazer at me, but it's shot up, and he go Asplode.

Dr. Octogonapus

Aside from Chuck Norris, Dr. Octogonapus is the best lazer fire-er. He has mastered the art gracefully, defeating the toughest enemies, from Spider-Man to John Lenon. He is known for saying this: "Dr. Octogonapus, Blaaarrrggghh". All who have tried this, have be ripped to prices by a zombie Master Chief.

Laser safety

Just like a nuclear silo lannch pad, never stare directly into a laser beam, unless it's absolutely necessary.

Should you accidentally look into a laser beam, the universal sign of being lasered is to shout "ARRGH!! MY EYES! MY EYES! ZE GOGGLES, ZEY DO NUHSINK!", in a German accent, while your eyes asplode from the superheated steam. Those who do put their eye out are advised to not look into the beam with their remaining eye. With one eye out, you can have a wicked cool eye patch. Two eye patches just make you look stupid. It should be noted that Lo Pan has a unique laser, which causes immediate blindness to both eyes (or whatever the hell else he wants it to), has no charge time, comes with no warning, and deals no direct physical damage (or so it seems). It is unwise to assume one is safe from Lo Pan because he has been knifed in the skull, as Lo Pan has already returned once for the Ultimate Showdown, in which he beat the shit out of Leonard Cohen single-handedly with an army of other guys.

In some cultures it is a widely accepted myth that lasers will only harm your enemies, and not hurt anyone considered a friend of the wielder. This proves to be a costly mistake, often ending in injury, social disaster, death, male lactation , liquidy stools (the urgent need to have them and the inability to control them), or horribly crooked teeth, depending on the setting and manufacture of the laser. If you sense a lazer nearby or you see one about to SHOOP DA WOOP you. Try to get out of the way of its devastating path,unless it is aimed directly at you, then you are screwed. Many people have tried to counteract the SHOOP DA WOOP with another SHOOP DA WOOP,this has been proven futile,for when the 2 SHOOP DA WOOP's meet, it will cause a small white hole (opposite of the Black Hole) to appear where they met, thus spewing out Leonard Cohen' son;

The rumored son of Leonard Cohen,Chuck Greene shown here about to destroy zombies.

Chuck Greene.(This has never been proven though, because Mr. Greene has destroyed all witnesses and the 2 responsible for the White hole.)

It is also common safety practice to say or yell, "PEWPEWPEW" while using a laser device of any kind. This prevents blindness and excessive hair growth at body extremities. If "PEWPEWPEW" is unavailable, acceptable substitutes include "Kittensgomewmewmew" and "Pigeonssaycoocoocoo", or the ever popular, "Cowssaymoomoomoo." These substitutions are considered inferior as prophylactic agents.When Lazer is swallowed directly rinse with water.

On the topic of self-lazering, (should you find a need to shoop da whoop), you must aim away from all allies and fire lazors only at your enemies. Upon firing teh lazor, you will experience a fantasy land of pillowy mounds of mashed potatoes. You will frollick in these lands forever until your lazer is done firing.Or if Chuck Norris comes down to roundhouse kick you for overuse of lazors.

Beware of TerroristS!! AS they HAVE LOTS OF LAZERZ LIKE IMA FIRIN MAH LAZER HORE SLUT

Laser Weaponry

Laser weaponry research is currently underway in many countries. In the United States, laser research is lead by Laser Kid, building laser pistols in his grandparent's living room while trying to pay for college. In the future, all guns will be replaced by ray guns or laser rifles.

Chargin' Mah Laser!

If you are charging your laser, it is considered common courtesy and safety procedure (as above) to state in a firm and loud voice "IMMA CHARGIN' MAH LAZER!" then shout "IMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZER!" in an even louder voice to let others know that you are unleashing your immense rape particles. Shouting "IMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZOR!" also has a secondary effect of fully activating your WIN glands in the final crucial second before firing, which improves range, destructive power, and if done correctly, allows you to fire your lazor around corners. Having an accomplice simultaneously shout "SHOOP DA WHOOP" in an equally loud voice can further increase the effectiveness of the warning. Proper pronunciation is discouraged, however. Not all lasers come with charging features, so it may be a good idea to either have an expert examine your laser, or to modify it so that it can not only charge, but also have a wider beam, a brighter intensity, shoot through walls, shoot through enemies, and fire from more than one location at a time.Side effects may include mental retardation, and Dragonball Wannabe Syndrome(DWS). Also beware singing Shoop-da-Whoop cannons. They really hurt. Trust us.

The Moral Implications of Lasers

Most ethicists agree that lasers are pure evil. This may not seem immediately obvious to most onlookers, as lasers appear quite innocent, much like a cute little bunny or Michael Jackson from the 70's does. The awful truth concerning the evilness of lasers was not revealed until 2046, when a man accidentally burned off his face while using a laser-powered Gilette razor, which later inspired the Michael Jackson from 1997 to do the same to his own face. This temporal paradox involving completely unrelated pop musicians from the distant past created yet another hole in the space-time continuum into which fell Konami, trapping them inside a cramped subspace bubble for all eternity. This bubble was popped by someone standing too close, therefore allowing Konami to make Dead Rising. This unfortunate series of events has prompted the formation of several anti-laser movements, including Mothers Against Harmful Lasers, or more accurately, MAHLASER. This has led to dissidents with the MAHLASER group to come up with the slogan "Charge MAHLASER" as a method of making MAHLASER back down through legal channels. Less common are those who take the slogan literally, and actually charge down members of MAHLASER on horseback, wielding fearsome lasers, lances, and laser-guided lances.

Uses for Lasers

Lasers are widely used in everyday products like cinema projectors, cigarette lighters, can openers, toilet bowls, and Pez dispensers. In certain cases, small lasers can also be found inside of a prostate. Within the field of medicine, pioneering research by Dr. Alphonse Bertini has used lasers to restore hearing to the blind, and sight to the deaf. Lasers are also used to manufacture soap on occasion, although here they are much less effective than the safe and sanitary method normally used. Within the field of killing people, they can be used to slice people in half.

Also when in need of defence cornered in an alley way by some thugs, they can point their index finger at them and hold up their thumb to make an improvised laser gun and shout and screech "PEW PEW PEEEEEEEEEE-UUUWWWWWW!!!!" and this will most likely scare off one's enemy(s).

When being invaded by dust bunnies, vacuums with laser fittings can destroy the vermin effectively. (Has been known to backfire)

Tomatoes can also fire deadly lazorz. Should you encounter a lazor-firing tomato, the correct thing to do would be to throw an ear of corn at it. This will please the tomato, calming it down from its wild rampage. You must act quickly by enveloping the rogue tomato in an anti-lazor box.Plus, jib can be disguised as a lazor-firing tomato,too. careful, he can shoop at any time.

If by any chance you are surrounded by garden gnomes do not panic,begin to charge ur lazer and then FIRE UR LAZER. This will strike fear in their tiny plastic hearts,then report to your nearest GPA (gnome protection agency), countinue FIREN UR LAZER until the GPA come.

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BEWARE OF IMITATORS

SHOOP DA WHOOP is a one of a kind event. And therefore should never be copied in any way. Many have tried the following: FIRIN MY SHOOP DA WHOOP! Which has been known to cause permanent retardation of one's LAZER, which is never a good thing,because one always needs a form of defense, and possibly some humor.Be very cautious, if you hear anyone (or anything) trying to fake a lazer, promptly LAZER HIS ASS TO CHINA! Then let the Chinese deal with him/her/it/manbeast/gay. The imitator will likely be deported to Japan from China and used for Banzai charge practice by the Imperial Army's light infantry.

Using Shoop da Whoop Correctly

There is only one time, and one time only to use the word 'shoop da whoop' - is when someone is actually firing a lazor. Should you see shooping of whoops on the Internet, you must not shout it unless you wish to be roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris. Also in case you want to use Shoop Da Whoop always say the famous catch phrase... " IMMAH FIRIN MY LAZZARR!!!!!!" and if overused please see Chuck Norris to give you a roundhouse kick

Laser Instructions

Caution laser may hurt someone or something and most likely you. Do not aim at self unless idiot who is doing it for no reason, or if an enemy of yours has just made you very mad and you want to show them who's boss. Use at burglars and rapests and you can't forget zombies. The best weapon to kill them. Burp laser instructions: first,drink nine bottles of super carbonated soda (with Alakseltser), then, pull your arms back with your chest facing outwards, finally, LETTA RIP!!! Note: do not aim at self, unless you want to risk mental retardation, burping up slugs, farting rainbows, having high chances of Chuck Norris randomly round house kicking you by days end, or being attacked by hail clouds every 3.1415 minutes.

Health Issues

Lazers have been known to cause major pwnage,but there is a downside. Using your lazer too much will result in (of course,destruction) decrease in lazer power,effectiveness,accuracy, and volume. Overuse may also cause permanent damage to the inner WIN glands that form your lazer. As such,do not under any circumstances overuse your lazer or it may become permanently unusable. A lack of using your lazer in people who exercise it will in a huge build-up of WIN and it may cause involuntary lazer firings, WIN burn (where you are injured by the dangerously high concentration of WIN), or your WIN glands may shrink and your MLP (maximum lazer potential) will decrease. Thus, using your lazer in moderation is vital.

Another serious lazer-related health risk is a substance known as shooping gas. When inhaled, it causes uncontrollable firing of a person's lazor until it dissapates. Letting off shooping gas in a crowded room generally causes mass chaos and death; shooping gas has been attributed to over fifty assassinations that were previously put down to 'gas explosions', since none of the survivors had ever seen a lazor fired before and their descriptions of "massive blue blasts ALL OVER THE PLACE!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" were put down to insanity. Shooping gas is a weapon of choice for starting wars for this reason, as well as because the true perpetrator never need show his or her hand. Shooping gas is the #2 reason for random lazer firings (#1 being randomness), and the #1 reason among those who do not know about their lazor. Everyone who uses lazers shouldabababababababbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbsimilar to argon (a choice element for use in artifical lasers) except that it is heavily charged with WIN, allowing massive continuous blasts. People who don't use lazers should know too, but we can't seem to convince them that lazers exist.)

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