User:ManEatingBadger/Punic wars

The Punic Pubic Wars

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ATTENTION TO THOSE WHO DO NOT LIKE HUMOR

There were deaths during these Pubic Wars--if this is not humorous to you, leave. Also, for a more dignified version of this article, please go to WikiPedia version. However, if you are in for an enjoyable thrill ride, please read this article whose author has no dignity left, after writing articles on Mountain Goats and Laser Goats. Well, he didn't really have any dignity to begin with. Anyway, read on...

Allow Me to Introduce You to the Wars

In 264 Balls Castrated|BC, the Nation of Cartilage was set to battle against the Repubic of Roam. The name for these wars, Pubic, is commonly mistaken by historians to have originated from Latin as Punic, the word for Cartilage in ancient Roam. However, the ACTUAL origin of "Pubic" comes from the genital region that was often exposed in the epic battles that took place between the sex-driven Cartilaginese and the Roamers. This epic battle of the perverted gays began with a dispute over who would take control of the extremely large pubic region of the Roamer Repubicer, Hugh Jecawk. Roam had already established their repubic throughout all of northern Krushnevya, and the Cartilaginians, sunbathing as nude models, were posing a small but indefinite threat to the Roamers. When the conflict began, it seemed as though the Roamers clearly had a stronger army of Laser Goats. However, as the wars went on, it became apparent that, although the Laser Sloths of Cartilage and their foot-soldiers may have been smaller in numbers and other areas, they were very deadly, as the sloths have a natural interest in the pubic region of humans and goats. The problem with the sloths, however, was quickly exposed and led to the downfall of Cartilage and the loss of the Cartilaginian Elephantinecoqs. This we shall learn about in the sex-filled horny pubical -- wait, no, pubic is good -- in the pubic sections below.

A Little Background on Cartilage

Cartilage is located South of Krushnevya, in Hell. The Cartilaginians have dark blue skin and tend to like to fuck ass. Cartilage is a semi-prosperous city (they're poor) and the average income is 2 Carts of slutty whores an hour (1/2 cent in American currency). The average person in Cartilage is extremely overweight and lacks sexual stamina and a cock over an inch long, yet somehow their army managed to round up 5000 people that didn't weigh over 700 pounds (and happened to have cocks in excess of a mammoth three inches).

Sloths

Another REAL photo of a typical Sloth with his Rider.

Sloths are a type of dog/gay koala, and are commonly found in eastern Cartilage. This only includes sloths of the type bred to be ridden by Sloth Riders. They have a brownish fur and an average daily sleep routine of 23 hours. This was a major problem while in battle against Roam; the sloths were often sleeping while their Riders urgently tried to wake them, only to fall to their pitiful death on top of their sloths, slain by much more alert Roamer goat riders. However, when a Sloth was able to stay awake, it spent its time slowly making its way to the battlefront. Normally the more agile mountain goats were able to take them down before they reached the battlefield. If the sloth was lucky enough to reach the battle, it killed one mountain or laser goat for every ten sloths killed by them. For some very strange fucked-up reason, the sloths were somehow able to give a decent challenge to the mountain goats {and give their riders good head at the same time}}; this shall be discussed later.

Death of Booby the Sloth

Laser Sloths

This is a time lapse photo of a Laser Sloth. See in-pic description.

Laser sloths are the genetically-altered sloths of Cartilage. These sloths are not naturally equipped with laser-oriented retinas, unlike the laser goats of northern Krushnevya fighting for Roam. Since the sloths are so fucking slow and have no purpose, they are captured by Cartilaginians and taken to the Laser Sloth Genetically Altering Plant (LASGAR). LASGAR is famous for their helpful sloth engineering, but they are infamous for the presipitous lack of speed manufactured into the sloths, and for the added homosexuality. The sloths have lasers, but because of their immense slowness, cannot process the lasers quickly. Thus the laser sloth takes about twenty-six minutes to fire a laser one foot. This incredibly tiny ratio is possibly the reason for the downfall of Cartilage, and is, without a doubt, responsible for the Cartilagineans' small cocks. However, defending their laser sloths, Cartilage claimed that the fault for their loss lies otherwise in the fateful Battle of Tewmuch Kawkinvag, and not in their lack of suitable dicks; later to be discussed in the Final War (Dick).

A Little Background on Roam

Roam was located in northern Krushnevya under the Great Leader for 56,312,046,983 years. Soon after the Pubic Wars took place, Roam was forced to change it's location to Italy, where it changed it's name to the more common name of Rome. Historians and archaeologists tend to forget this important fact, or fail to make the distinction between the original Roam of Krushnevya and the later Rome of Italy. When Roam was in it's glory days in Krushnevya, it was a very prosperous country (unlike Cartilage). There was no income in Roam, however, as the only population was the Great Leader and his servants, so it was obviously a very nice place.

Mountain Goats

An ACTUAL picture of a Roamer warrior mounting his Mountain Goat.

MOUNTAIN GOATS are fucking awesome. If you need any information because you are too stupid to know that mountain goats are fucking awesome, go to this page.

Laser Goats

LASER GOATS are also fucking awesome. They are naturally mutated with laser eyes, horns, and, for females, laser udders. They are not artificially altered in a facility like LASGAR-produced Laser Sloths. For more detailed information, please click here.

Left Ball (The First Loin War)

Carbon-dating, archival research, boob-weighing, and fucking hot history teachers (such a rarity, I know) has indicated that the Pubic wars started in the early morning of May 5, 264 BC. Hugh Jecawk was going for his usual leisurely morning stroll on porn sites when his gay servant came up to him in the Royal Servant Dress to deliver him the unfortunate news of the attempted invasion by Cartilage. There were reports that there were Cartilaginian Elephantinecoqs crossing the border into northern Krushnevya, the land in which Roam was located (it was later moved to the less prosperous country of Italy in 510 AD). Once this news reached Hugh Jecawk, he navigated away from his current porn site and told his Military Commander to ready the mountain and laser goat army. Just outside the Royal Roamer Tent, the army of goats was forming. A good 40 score of the best mountain goat fighters were lined up in the common battle position of the Large Penis. Hugh Jecawk was not pleased, however, as the Laser Goats, the recent addition to the Roamer Army, had not been put into the battle position. So Hugh Jecawk himself, in his Royal Dress and boner ran throughout the open grounds of the Roamer Tent and started fucking all the servant men and women in sight. Afterwards, when he had laid about servants, he proceeded to round up the laser goats around the tent. So with some thousand laser goats now in the highly ineffective cum military position, Hugh Jecawk began marching. Before they all set off to go fuck the Laser Sloths of Cartilage, Hugh Jecawk made sure all his goats, of all types, were fucking horny so that they were ready to use their cum-shot powers to blind the laser sloths. So Hugh Jecawk ripped off his armor and fucked all the goats as well. Jecawk was not concerned about all the children and soon-to-be-anthropomorphic goats he would father after the war, as there was more important business to take care of at the moment, such as getting the sloths the fuck out of Roam. The Roamer goats then assembled into their attack formation, prepared to assault the assaulting laser sloths and sloth riders. The two armies, once finally "intact", clashed just outside the Roamer Tent at the Battle of Gayintercourse. Gayintercourse was the first major battle of the Loin Wars, and about 3 goats were permanently injured (They died, bitch!) 50 Laser goats had smoked their asses, but luckily their fire extinguishers were able to save some of the others. As for Cartilage, 5 sloth riders have died, and about .6 laser sloths were able to get a laser shot to hit the enemy. This is because the enemy fell on top of a laser sloth as he was falling to his death. The laser sloth was then crushed to death by the immense weight of the mountain goat.

Dick (The Final War)

THESE ARE THE SURVIVORS OF THE WARS:

Who should have won?

You voted for "Hugh Jecawk" on 23 November 2021 at 03:57. You can change your vote by clicking a different answer below.

Cartilage

4

Roam

2

Hugh Jecawk

1

I want to revoke my vote

There were 7 votes since the poll was created on 05:02, 7 January 2013.

poll-id 3451A0C409F77577E599A6B86EBB5384