User:Hrodulf/Famine won't leave my house!

Vanity of the Month August 2007

On the unseasonably warm night of December 4, 2006, something amazing happened. Famine, for reasons of his own, decided he wanted to be Hrodulf's houseguest. Unfortunately, what Famine did not know was that Hrodulf's guest house was, um, nowhere any sane human being would want to live, but in a strange twist, becuase Famine loved Hrodulf so much, and wanted to live with him, he decided to move in anyway, despite Hrodulf's vocal objections of horror and shame at being a poor host.

This was a particularly painful time for Hrodulf, because in Hrodulf's culture, there is nothing worse than being a bad host, and in this situation, he had essentially no choice but to be the worst host in the history of hosting. But nothing could be done, since Famine loved Hrodulf so very, very much.

Such devotion and friendship on the part of Famine eventually melted Hrodulf's hard, evil heart, (which he had to have surgically removed after becoming a lawyer and keeps in a drawer in a McDonalds Happy Meal box, next to his brandy, and his euroipod collection) which had been hardened from witnessing part of the 9/11 attacks through a picture window of a law office he'd been working at during that time in Brooklyn, having a very difficult first year after getting admitted as an attorney, during which he had to work like a dog and frequently did excellent and extremely difficult legal work on the fly for many different people, some of which he was not paid for and never will be paid for, and also, of course, the present daily pressure of having to keep a stiff upper lip living in New York City in 2006, with all the expenses that come with it. Hrodulf would probably be a relatively wealthy person if he lived anywhere else, but in New York City, he's a peasant. But that's ok. Hrodulf is a giving person and kind to everyone, and essentially a force for good. But this story isn't really about Hrodulf.

The rapid-fire internet communications start here. You should try to keep in mind this was all being written on the fly, and some users may have accidently put comments in the wrong place, leading to a somewhat tangled presentation. Maybe I'll try to fix it later, but I don't know. I don't like messing with other users' comments.

Enjoy this Uncyclopedia production of Famine won't leave my house!, a dramatic comedy for five players. Let me know if you'd like to move into the house also! I bet Famine would love to make some new friends, and he's such a nice guy, he may even share some of his stuff with you too. He's that kind of generous, freewheeling type.

BEGIN COMMUNICATION:

AN OPEN LETTER FROM HRODULF TO UNCYCLOPEDIA: I NEED LEGAL HELP!

Hello again, funny people. And I mean that in the nice way, most of you are funny people as in Groucho Marx funny, not Gary Shandling funny, and deep down in the heart of my bottom, I love all of you. I could go on, but it would get disgusting. Anyway . . .

I have a little legal question. I am a lawyer, but I don't know anything about Landlord/Tenant laws, especially not how they work on Uncyclopedia. And I have a quandry.

See, I, like the generous, Oprah like person I am (really, I am just like Oprah, all heart, ear, and with a sharp mind that can see the truth from light years away), offered Famine a free house recently. Sounds good, right? Here's the problem though.

Famine got so excited by my god like generosity and kindness, he moved in about a month early. I mean, construction hadn't even started yet, heck, I havn't even gotten construction financing, much less residential zoning clearance and interviewed someone for general contractor. Fuck, I don't even have any insurance yet, if that guy trips on something in there and breaks a bone, he could sue my ass big time. And that's a very likely probability, because at the moment, he's squatting illegally in a filthy shack that's legally unfit for human habitation. And I feel sorry for him, because it's cold in there and there's lots of rats and roaches. The plumbing and heating doesn't even work, and I think there might be some asbestos and maybe even radon, carbon monoxide, lead paint as well as possibly his fellow squatters O.J. Simpson, Michael Jackson, Fred Phelps and Freddy Mercury, and their friends who show up occasionally, Napoleon, the Great Gatsby, Tristan und Isolde, Slashy, Powershot and Benson. And they fight. All the time. It gets especially loud at night, when there's nothing on television to distract them.

Not only that, but but the place is filthy. I didn't mention that before, because I was embarassed about what a bad housekeeper I am. I used to have some dogs, chickens and horses in there, as well as other assorted animals I used to bring home after running around a few of the beautiful parklands and jungles in Uncycloland. Don't even ask why this is a problem vis a vis the current condition of the premises. There is also a total lack of furnishing, which I had to sell to afford to spend that $700 dollars trying to get a free Euroipod.

I didn't even get to the worst part: several building code violations were found on the last inspection by the Uncyclopedia Department of Buildings. They included inadequate electrical wiring, kitchen sink and toilet in disrepair, furnace in disrepair, handrail on stairs in disrepair, screens on windows and doors lacking. The Admins put their foot down and gave me until December 6, 2006 to correct the violations, but the problem is, I can't get my buddy Joe and his pals in there to fix the house until Famine and his friends are removed from my premises (yes, they all are friends now. Famine had a hard time adjusting to the group, but he found out he had a lot in common with them, and now they're all buddies. I'm so proud of him, but I really need him and his friends to get out).

You see the situation I'm in is extremely serious. I'd let them stay if it was up to me, I'm a charitable person with a penchant for giving; but it's not up to me, and if we don't resolve this, I could get in very serious trouble with the government, or possibly someone with some sort of stick, I don't know. The way this place is run is a little confusing, sorry. It's tough out here for a n00b, to paraphrase the popular song. I like that rhythm and blues, don't you? But I digress.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that this dwelling is incompatible with contemporary social conditions, basic human decency and public policy. Why Famine and his friends want to live there is incomprehensible to me, but they refuse to leave, and worst of all, none of them will pay me any rent, even though I told Famine clearly he would have to wait until January 1, 2007 before he could move into the house, if he wanted it. I havn't served him with notice yet, since he doesn't want me to "spam" his talkpage, so I think he's trying to evade service so I can't evict him. I'm at a complete loss how to proceed to assert my rights to my own property. I think I need an UnLawyer to help me fix this.

Who's willing to be my counsel here? Anybody, I'll take anybody. Even Benson, although he lives there too. I'm that desperate. Fuck, I'd be willing to let Nazis on Crack be my UnLawyer, I'd give him all the crack he wants. Fuck, I'll give him all the fucking crack in the universe that ever has, or will, exist, throughout time, space and anchovy pizza.

So, any takers? I need help people, please, I'm totally helpless. Completely and utterly powerless and unable to save myself from my sorry predicament.

Thank you for listening to my problems for a little while. I know other people's problems are a nuisance, but I really would appreciate any help anyone could give me on this one.

Thank you so much, everybody, all of you, I consider you my closest friends, the people I spend the most time hanging out with aside from my wonderful wife, who I love very much and who means the entire world to me, sorry, you guys are great, but my wife is even better. But I'm getting off track again, I do that sometimes, forgive a man under a lot of stress right now.

I sincerely wish everybody on Uncyclopedia peace, happiness and a limitless supply of of adorable orange kittens to huff. Even my friend, Famine :D

Your friend (I'm everybody's friend here, I'm even friends with the mean people. I'm that nice!).

Hrodulf.

P.S. Anyone who wants to help me, respond on my talk page, and not here. This is a private legal matter, let's keep it discreet from now on, please.

SOME APPARENT CONFUSION ABOUT THE ABOVE S.O.S. UNFORTUNATELY ENSUED THEREAFTER

Well, I'd have to say that it says something quite appropriate for him to say, namely that User:Famine has certain limits to what he'll accept in the interests of maintaining a general atmosphere of cooperation and amity, and also to what he won't accept in terms of users wanting things that perhaps aren't strictly necessary for the overall good of the website, at least in his opinion. I'm not saying he's right, but generally speaking he hasn't been involved in any of this until now, and he may simply feel that he doesn't deserve to be lumped in with the rest of us.

So if you'll accept that interpretation, would it be feasible for you to take that little 48-hour break I suggested earlier? I'll take one too, if you like. No one will think you're a coward for it, H - I think you've more than proven your willingness to put your reputation here on the line for the sake of principle, and for finally bringing an end to all the conflict.  c • > • cunwapquc? 00:45, 4 December 2006 (UTC)

I'm sorry, Some user, but I cannot discuss this private legal matter with you. If you aren't going to help me, I'm afraid I'll have to kindly ask you not to communicate ex parte with me concerning this private and extremely personal issue. --Hrodulf 01:51, 4 December 2006 (UTC)

LET'S JUST CALL THIS PART OF THE PLAY "HRODULF." I LIKE THAT NAME, DON'T YOU? SURE YOU DO.

Can I ask that you try to remain calm within the current climate? We are, apparently, all here to share some humour, of many different flavours. Revisiting the same, tired old arguments may be what some people are happy to continue but I think its time to move on. If you have any intention in continuing contributing to the site now is probably the time for quiet reflection (preferably of the non public kind). Deep breaths..... -- Sir Mhaille  (talk to me)

I think I'm pretty calm, I just want to help Famine. Why does he want to live in such a horrible place? He could get sick! Please, try to help him for me. He doesn't like me very much for some reason.

And wait a second . . . "continuing contributing"? Are you talking about exiling me? Why? Because Famine won't leave my house? That doesn't make any sense. I'm confused. Sorry, could you explain that to me again? --Hrodulf 01:57, 4 December 2006 (UTC)

Famine's housing arrangements are outside of our official mandate, so I couldn't possibly comment. Legal counsel may be your best approach. Do you know any good lawyers? -- Sir Mhaille  (talk to me)

I know plenty, but sadly, I need an UnLawyer. I'd take that On Crack guy or a ham sandwich on rye if that was all I could get. At least if I lost the case, I could still eat him if I got hungry later. Better than nothing. --Hrodulf 02:11, 4 December 2006 (UTC)

I know a guy who played a lawyer on TV. Purely extra work. He probably counts as an UnLawyer. I can give you his number. --Sir Zombiebaron 02:16, 4 December 2006 (UTC)

I think if it's actually going to be a person UnLawyer, rather than a food UnLawyer, I have a feeling it will probably have to be one of these wonderful people. But if I lose, it's ok. I can probably bribe the inspectors, and maybe just concrete the whole thing over. Of course, that would mean that we'd never see Famine again, but what else can I do? The place is a public nuisance and I think it should be dealt with appropriately. "Nemo me impune lacessit". And I would get to eat the ham sandwich lawyer, which is starting to make me drool. I just love wolfing down pork. Just ask Some user, he knows all about it. -Hrodulf 02:24, 4 December 2006 (UTC)

Not to kibbutz or anything, but that's quite true, actually - I've eaten more than my share of ham sandwiches in my day! And concreting the whole thing over might actually be a good idea, to be honest. (That might be a good plan for quite a few of the "homes" built around here recently, I'm sad to say. The "neighborhood" really could probably use some general "urban renewal"!) I'm sure Bradley or someone will take care of those things soon enough, though. And don't worry about Famine, in any case... A little concrete won't hurt him — remember, he's already made of stone!  c • > • cunwapquc? 02:42, 4 December 2006 (UTC)

Eh, it's probably none of my business, but I don't think that anything you say, good or bad, will be accepted by Hrodulf at this point, SU, so you might take your own very good advice and lay off contacting him for a while. I'm guessing he won't take any suggestions you make seriously, at least not right now, and probably won't take any advice from you, good or bad, right now. I dunno, maybe I'm wrong (God knows I have been before. Often). That's just my opinion as a wanna-be outside opinion (which I can't actually be, of course, but I like to pretend).--<<>> 02:59, 4 December 2006 (UTC)

The advice was for you, not him, Bradley.  c • > • cunwapquc? 03:01, 4 December 2006 (UTC)

Ah. I'm so bad at taking advice. Maybe that's part of the reason why, I don't recognize it when it's directed at me. I'm a simple man who deals in straightforward ways, when I can get away with it. I'm assuming you're suggesting that the "let's murder each other" forum posts would be better elsewhere (like in the trashbin where they belong)?--<<>> 03:09, 4 December 2006 (UTC)

Correct. Just think of it as "tidying up"! If you're concerned about the possible censorship allegations, maybe we could move them over to meta for a while, just so they'd be out of the way?  c • > • cunwapquc? 03:15, 4 December 2006 (UTC)

Ugh. As much as I would love to do that, I'm afraid not letting this "run its course" will just cause more problems in the end. I dunno, we'll see how things look Tommorrow. Time heals all wounds.--<<>> 03:29, 4 December 2006 (UTC)

Wait, I'm confused... What's going on again?--<<>> 02:27, 4 December 2006 (UTC)

Brad, buddy, just who I wanted to see! Here, read my plea for help. Are you licensed to practice law in the jurisdiction of Uncycloland? If not, it's ok, I know a good Honorary Judge of Uncyclopedia, and can probably get you admitted pro hac vice.

If you help me out on this one, friend, I'll let you vandalize my userpage. Really. However you want. And I'll leave it like that for a month. But is there something else you want? Whatever you want, if it's in my power, I'll do it, as long as it isn't illegal or morally outrageous, or something that would get me banned.

What do you say, buddy? Help a friend? --Hrodulf 02:30, 4 December 2006 (UTC)

I'm not licenced to do much of anything. I do know that in the heirarchy of Uncyclopedia, both Chron and Famine outrank me, and both have made statements on this matter. I can advise on what I think would be a good move from here on out, but I don't know that I can be what you're wanting me to be in this matter. I DO know I sure as Hell don't want to oppose Famine, even if I thought he was dead wrong, which I don't in this particular instance (not that that matters, really).--<<>> 02:48, 4 December 2006 (UTC)

This might actually be a good time to apply Wikipedia's "be bold" rule to the current protection status of the page in question, Bradley. Also, I think we should all recognize what Hrodulf has done here over the last couple of days. His solution to the worst Uncyclopedia flamewar ever was well-conceived, well-executed, and above all, it worked! Hrodulf did it! The crisis is over, everyone is finally calming down, and we can all just hit the off-switch on our computers and get back to our lives now. Sure, a lot of people want to ban a lot of other people, but nobody wants to ban Hrodulf, correct? Seriously, I've been saying this for some time now: If you want to ban someone, ban me! Hrodulf's done nothing ban-worthy at all, really. I'm not even sure how he got the idea that people wanted to do that... It's actually a bit silly, when you think about it.  c • > • cunwapquc? 02:58, 4 December 2006 (UTC)

Heh. This isn't Wikipedia, for good or ill. We have no such "be bold" rule. I think Hrodulf is trying his best to do what he thinks is right, and I respect him for that. My impression of him is that he does have a temper, when provoked (and Uncyclopedians are nothing if not provocative), but we've gotten along with lots of different Uncyclopedians in the past, of many different personality types. True, we didn't ALWAYS get along, but groups of people always have conflicts. I'm just trying to do my best to help us get through this particularly turbulent time. I'm one of those ridiculous optimists that believes that, regardless of what's happened in the past, we'll all get along at some point in the future. True, it's foolish idealism that's not at all based in reality, but that's where I am.--<<>> 03:06, 4 December 2006 (UTC)

Why is everybody talking about exiling me? I am the victim here, people! Famine won't leave my house! I don't know what to do! And everybody wants to evict me? Famine is the one who's somewhere he has no right to be! I don't understand, this country is crazy! Why did I ever move here! And I lost my passport while I was listening to Benson yammer on about . . . um, something, and now I'm stuck here. Are you going to make me a person without a country, just like that french guy in that airport somewhere? And the reason you're going to do that to me is . . . . because Famine won't leave my house?

Look, I'm not trying to argue with you, please just explain your reasoning to me. If I get a good explanation, I'll let Famine stay, but for the sake of the rest of you, I'll still have to concrete it over. Or else, Powershot might escape again. Famine is welcome to leave, but if he doesn't, he'll have to end up stuck in there also.

I have to do laundry, guys. Sorry. It's in the basement, so fortunately I don't have to go into Famine's House to do it. I'd have trouble getting through all the bottles of various intoxicating liquors and other scattered paraphanalia that I don't even understand, not to mention the clutter of the antiquated gynecology equipment scattered all over the place from the deceased doctor who used to practice there from 1925 through 1953, when he retired to the shore. I envy him a little bit right now. I really do.

We'll discuss this matter more in a bit. Sorry about this, it's really not my fault this is happening. If you want to blame someone, blame whoever you want, but I don't think blaming me is fair, rational, sane or even funny, considering that it's Famine who's refusing to leave my house. --Hrodulf 03:13, 4 December 2006 (UTC)

Ok, Hrodulf. Here's what, as far as I see, you can do. Let Famine do what he wants. I've never known anyone to go against Famine and have a good result come of it. If he's leaving you alone, let him do his thing. He'll get bored and do something else. I can personally guarantee that if you just roll with the punches, the fun is totally lost, and he'll move on to other things. He does have that whole "banning disruptive ips and users" thing that keeps him busy pretty much all of the time. The oak weathers a storm worse than the reed. I really don't think Famine is going to be a problem for you. He really is too busy to pick fights, he mainly just reacts to things he sees that are problems (and this whole Euroipods debate reflaring has certainly been one). He has a lot of great qualities, but I would not count patience as one of them, which is why I never test it. I've seen too many people end up on his bad side to chance that. That's just my advice, for whatever it's worth.--<<>> 03:41, 4 December 2006 (UTC)

I really don't understand what the problem is. Above, you told me that "If you don't comply with my order, I'd like you to move into the house...". Since I have no idea why you issued that order, as I have no connection to Euroipods other than being pissed at all the trouble it's caused, I was in no way going to comply with your order. Thus, as I wasn't complying, I figured I'd move in, as you requested. And now you want me out? Make up your damn mind! (Brad's right about the patience part - I'm more than ready to let this all go, and if that can't be done, then I start forcing the issue.) Sir Famine, Gun ♣ Petition » 12/4 03:49

Famine, thank god you're here. Listen, I've been thinking this over, and the concrete thing won't work, because it would be murder (although possibly suicide, since really you'd be staying there with full knowledge of it). So ok, let's settle this. I won't make you leave, I won't sue you, and I'll let you live there with your friends. I hope you're happy together in that house which contains everything I described, and probably some more stuff I don't even know about, and don't want to know about. Stay on my property as long as you want, you're now officially the Kato Kaelin to my O.J. Simpson. Ask O.J. what the appropriate houseguest behavior is, he knows all about it. But don't blame me if he won't shut up for days. He's been kind of starved for human contact lately. You brought this all upon yourself. You are the dearest of all my friends, though, and it breaks my heart to see how you're living now. Maybe someday you'll see the light. I've done my best, but you're apparently resigned to this. I don't want to judge you. One thing I've learned from my time on this planet is that people should be free to live however they want. Even if it's really, really stupid.

Ban me if you want, this will be the first time in Uncyclopedia history a n00b got banned for writing the funniest article in the history of the site. I was going to build you a beautiful new house of glass, but you seem to prefer that hovel. I truly pity you. But in a nice way! You're my friend, right? You must be, since you seem to like living with me. Maybe we'll get to know each other a little better now, I'll be a good landlord. Forget about the rent. I should really be paying you to live in that shithole.

Good night, Famine. Don't let O.J. Simpson, Benson, Powershot, Michael Jackson, and . . . um, whatever other friends of yours are in there with you keep you awake while they're fighting loudly over the remote control to that seven inch screen black and white tv in the corner that has only one channel and is infested with termites. Come visit me any time you like, but take a bath first, please. I keep my house very clean, thank you very much. I don't like living like you, in filth with a bunch of questionable "friends." I know the plumbing doesn't work. Maybe there's a YMCA in the neighborhood? I could lend you a phone book, since there isn't one in your house that postdates the Wilson administration.

And once again, this conversation is over.

Hrodulf.

Famine, sorry about this, but this morning, as I was going to work, I passed your house, and I noticed a sign on it I never saw before, but I couldn't read it because it was all smutzed up. I know the house is yours now, but I have OCD, and that dirty sign really bothered me. I couldn't resist trespassing and cleaning it off. Do you forgive me? I mean, I did give you a free house and all. And you really seem to like it.

The sign said Encyclopedia Dramatica. Isn't that funny? I had no idea it had been around that long, did you?

Have a nice life, Famine. Enjoy the house! You deserve it.

Hrodulf.

La commedia finito

Legal note: this play, which was inspired in large part by Sophecles, Sappho, Edward Albee, John Lennon, and a dash or two of that crazy womon who shot Andy Warhol, is public domain. You can stage your own performance if you like, just make a tiny little theatre out of an empty milk carton, and make your own paper dolls of the characters. It's an UnActivity! You'll love it! Have fun with my play, if not success, I may be execute.

Peace out.

Your author and fan (all of you! I love you all! I love Uncyclopedia! I hope my wife doesn't read this! I'll be in bigger trouble than anything anybody on this website could ever possibly do to me)!

Hrodulf.