Forum:Quick question. Anybody who helps me will be entitled to ask me for one nice favor!
Hello again, funny people. And I mean that in the nice way, most of you are funny people as in Groucho Marx funny, not Gary Shandling funny, and deep down in the heart of my bottom, I love all of you. I could go on, but it would get disgusting. Anyway . . .
I have a little legal question. I am a lawyer, but I don't know anything about Landlord/Tenant laws, especially not how they work on Uncyclopedia. And I have a quandry.
See, I, like the generous, Oprah like person I am (really, I am just like Oprah, all heart, ear, and with a sharp mind that can see the truth from light years away), offered Famine a free house recently. Sounds good, right? Here's the problem though.
Famine got so excited by my god like generosity and kindness, he moved in about a month early. I mean, construction hadn't even started yet, heck, I havn't even gotten construction financing, much less residential zoning clearance and interviewed someone for general contractor. Fuck, I don't even have any insurance yet, if that guy trips on something in there and breaks a bone, he could sue my ass big time. And that's a very likely probability, because at the moment, he's squatting illegally in a filthy shack that's legally unfit for human habitation. And I feel sorry for him, because it's cold in there and there's lots of rats and roaches. The plumbing and heating doesn't even work, and I think there might be some asbestos and maybe even radon, carbon monoxide, lead paint as well as possibly his fellow squatters O.J. Simpson, Michael Jackson, Fred Phelps and Freddy Mercury, and their friends who show up occasionally, Napoleon, the Great Gatsby, Tristan und Isolde, Slashy, Powershot and Benson. And they fight. All the time. It gets especially loud at night, when there's nothing on television to distract them.
Not only that, but but the place is filthy. I didn't mention that before, because I was embarassed about what a bad housekeeper I am. I used to have some dogs, chickens and horses in there, as well as other assorted animals I used to bring home after running around a few of the beautiful parklands and jungles in Uncycloland. Don't even ask why this is a problem vis a vis the current condition of the premises. There is also a total lack of furnishing, which I had to sell to afford to spend that $700 dollars trying to get a free Euroipod.
I didn't even get to the worst part: several building code violations were found on the last inspection by the Uncyclopedia Department of Buildings. They included inadequate electrical wiring, kitchen sink and toilet in disrepair, furnace in disrepair, handrail on stairs in disrepair, screens on windows and doors lacking. The Admins put their foot down and gave me until December 6, 2006 to correct the violations, but the problem is, I can't get my buddy Joe and his pals in there to fix the house until Famine and his friends are removed from my premises (yes, they all are friends now. Famine had a hard time adjusting to the group, but he found out he had a lot in common with them, and now they're all buddies. I'm so proud of him, but I really need him and his friends to get out).
You see the situation I'm in is extremely serious. I'd let them stay if it was up to me, I'm a charitable person with a penchant for giving; but it's not up to me, and if we don't resolve this, I could get in very serious trouble with the government, or possibly someone with some sort of stick, I don't know. The way this place is run is a little confusing, sorry. It's tough out here for a n00b, to paraphrase the popular song. I like that rhythm and blues, don't you? But I digress.
There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that this dwelling is incompatible with contemporary social conditions, basic human decency and public policy. Why Famine and his friends want to live there is incomprehensible to me, but they refuse to leave, and worst of all, none of them will pay me any rent, even though I told Famine clearly he would have to wait until January 1, 2007 before he could move into the house, if he wanted it. I havn't served him with notice yet, since he doesn't want me to "spam" his talkpage, so I think he's trying to evade service so I can't evict him. I'm at a complete loss how to proceed to assert my rights to my own property. I think I need an UnLawyer to help me fix this.
Who's willing to be my counsel here? Anybody, I'll take anybody. Even Benson, although he lives there too. I'm that desperate. Fuck, I'd be willing to let Nazis on Crack be my UnLawyer, I'd give him all the crack he wants. Fuck, I'll give him all the fucking crack in the universe that ever has, or will, exist, throughout time, space and anchovy pizza.
So, any takers? I need help people, please, I'm totally helpless. Completely and utterly powerless and unable to save myself from my sorry prediciament.
Thank you for listening to my problems for a little while. I know other people's problems are a nuisance, but I really would appreciate any help anyone could give me on this one.
Thank you so much, everybody, all of you, I consider you my closest friends, the people I spend the most time hanging out with aside from my wonderful wife, who I love very much and who means the entire world to me, sorry, you guys are great, but my wife is even better. But I'm getting off track again, I do that sometimes, forgive a man under a lot of stress right now.
I sincerely wish everybody on Uncyclopedia peace, happiness and a limitless supply of of adorable orange kittens to huff. Even my friend, Famine :D
Your friend (I'm everybody's friend here, I'm even friends with the mean people. I'm that nice!).
P.S. Anyone who wants to help me, respond on my talk page, and not here. This is a private legal matter, let's keep it discreet from now on, please.