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Soma gives gods the ability to flap their arms and fly

“Help! I'm a rock!”

~ Frank Zappa while playing Soma

“Help! I'm a rock!”

~ Peter North while fucking Soma

Soma©®† is a celestial beverage in Indian mythology, aka Hinduism, that is spiritual in essence, and has never been found in this material creation wink! wink!. Based on Vedic descriptions given by the gods of Soma's effects, Dr. Timothy Leary concocted a formula for synthetic Soma which would produce similar effects. The top-secret formula (patented in the Cayman Islands) is given as follows: For one gram of pure synthetic Soma mix 12 grams of Psilocybin, one kilo of Dimethyltryptamine, 16 grams Tetrahydrocannabinol, 2 tons of pure Afghani opium, 2 grams Blow Fish poison, and one gallon of Bangladeshi "moonshine" (screened for HIV). Slowly simmer over a high flame in a gigantic freshly minted uranium pot (300 meters x 300 meters) for three days until the mixture is solid. Place solid mixture and pass through an industrial size sugar-cane crusher. This should result in producing one potent Gram of Soma (approx 4,000,000,000,000 hits).[1] Note: Only gods and devils can stand Soma. Humans will evaporate wink! wink!.

Usage[edit | edit source]

Highly irregular synthetic Soma molecule seen in child's toy microscope on white back ground

Soma may be used for the following:

  1. Hang with the gods and watch Belly Dancers
  2. Get your magic carpet to work
  3. See musical notes written in tooth paste
  4. See your friend with the head of a pig
  5. Laugh uncontrollably at A very thought
  6. Discover general irrelevant relativity
  7. Attain absolute uncertainty
  8. Attain "oneness" with the force
  9. Learn how to use a "light-sabre" without cutting your nose off
  10. Cure "sight"
  11. Start WW MacOSXI
  12. Lose the Fear of Jack Bauer
  13. Sell for a fucking fortune
  14. and generally get stoned once in a while.

History[edit | edit source]

The wily invaders from wretched Persia knew that the Hindu gods were generally getting stoned once in a while. so they would invade India only when the Indians were generally getting stoned once in a while. Having thus invaded, they'd become insiders, get high on soma themselves, and fall prey to yet another band of invaders lurking on the horizon who wished to invade India only when the Indians were generally getting stoned once in a while.[2]

Current[edit | edit source]

Indian thought suffered a huge blow after the Hindus forgot the formula for Soma (above). But, under threat of death, the ancient Iranians copied the secret formula from the Vedas and renamed it Israel. However, being in a hurry, they accidentally added more Jews, or Glue, to it than necessary, and they have ever since been absorbed in fixing their goddamn mistake.

In spite of seeming animosity, all Muslims know that if you want to, "catch a buzz", then go visit Soma (Israel), and for that reason alone the Muslim world will block any attempts to harm the Holy Land. All appearances to the contrary are nothing but a political sham. It's NOT about oil, it's about good shit. Who would kill their own Candy-man? Even the Muslimites aren't that stupid

Effects[edit | edit source]

This is what your babe would look like if you could ever score a hit of soma

The precise effect of Soma on the god's celestial brain is briefly recorded in Chapter V, Canto XI of the Tibetan Book of the Dead. It narrates the journey of two disciples wanting to attain Nirvana. They travel to the Himalayan peaks after meditating on a sufficient amount of soma to last them the whole journey. Before the Tibetan Book of the Dead died, Sir Walter Buckingham copied down the lesson. In his English translation of Autobibliography of a Yogi the episode is recorded as thus:

PROLOGUE - Two disciples, A and B, having meditated themselves with 3mg of Soma, travel to the top of the Himalayas, and commence meditating in silence for several years to attain Nirvana.

LIFE EXPERIENCE - A and B sit in meditation in icy winds, on icy floors, respiring icy air, surrounded by icy silence for one whole icy year.

and another year passes.

yet another year passes.

A - "It's, like, so quiet..."

another year passes.

and yet another year passes.

B - "Will you shut up for God's sake?"[3]

Falsies[edit | edit source]

This is SOMA!?? Yeah! And Moby Dick drowned!

Bogus replications of this mystical treat have caused: "slight euphoria, hallucinations, giddiness, hallucinations, munchies, hallucinations, kleptomania, hallucinations, and hallucinations". It should be noted that experiments have shown Soma to cure Death. Plans to have it on the market as a death remedy are pending approval of the AMA, who are not certain if the world wants to cure death and then get over-crowded with geezers. The "Order" is pending denial by Illuminati.[4]

Contraindications[edit | edit source]

Soma is contraindicated in women who are pregnant, planning to get pregnant, were once pregnant, or were born from a pregnancy. It is also contraindicated in humans[5].

End Note[edit | edit source]

Soma, although non-existent, would be illegal IF it were existent, or if Timothy Leary were alive, or if Jack Bauer took it, which ever comes first. Mean while, the formula is given above, so all you need is a huge factory and a good on-line shopping cart. Oh! And a damn good lawyer, too!

See also[edit | edit source]

References[edit | edit source]

  1. "Soma Made Easy" by the Brotherhood of Eternal Love, No Hope Without Dope Publishing, 1968
  2. "History of the Psychedelic Experience" by Richard M Nixon, GE Publishing, 1974
  3. Sir Buckhingam's only surviving copy of "Yogi" is moth eaten; however, most scholars of Psychedelia concur that this is the most faithful account of the effects of soma-meditation on the human brain.
  4. You heard it first in Uncyclopedia, so thank your lucky stars!
  5. DEA Handbook, eternally