User:Flutter/Funpages/transform/Oprah Winfrey
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- This page is about the Swedish death metal band, if you are looking for the African American talk show host, see Opeth
Oprah Winfrey is a genetic freak-fusion of rhino, human, and a pube. "she" has al capone's rage. George Bush's ability to lie , Ted Danson's massive gonorrhea and the ability to manipulate people into believing everything and buying "her" books. she has the intelligence of a paper bag. The suicidal tendencies of kurt cobain, and the strength of mike tyson's army of clones. She was created by satan (not one of his children)and was released from hell to enslave all of earth's inhabitants. she enslave all human females, some male, some animals, and some forms of roadkill. her reign as supreme ruler of earth ended when Steve-o (satan's newest creation) crossed her path. oprah was on meth and turned into a super saiyan, ut was no match for steve-o'sscissor kick to the tits
- Oprah Winfrey is an open supporter of the practice of kitten huffing.
- It is customary of her stagehands to address her as Lord Tasty Anus offstage.
- Must be adressed by all others as Oprah-San or risk a painfully slow death.
- World renound scientist/physist/asstronomer/philosopher Tara Reid claims that Oprah is indestructible and oblivious to all harm.
- Sages of all kinds assert that Oprah is in fact the owner of the multiverse (which includes our own universe) stemming up to the 13th dimension.
- The Opeth (or destruction and consequent reformation of the multiverse) commences the moment Oprah claims control of the universe (aka. The 3rd Dimension of Existence)
- The Milkey-Way Galaxy is the last territory of the universe Oprah has to conquer this time around, meaning that The Opeth is near.
Genesis[edit | edit source]
It has been long rumored that Oprah is the beginning and the end, the alpha and the omega, this is in fact true. Approximatley 7 years ago she spontaneously combusted and thus the universe was created. She First created the sun from the remnants of a painful period and then shat out the remaining planets in our solar system. She ruled over the Galaxy with an iron fist until her alter ego, Ann Coulter became self aware and materialised from Oprah's third breast. Ann used her telekenisis to fuse Adolf Hitler and Fred Phelps into the ultimate Warrior and then ejaculated into its mouth. 666 years later Satan was born and was chosen by Ann to rule the underworld for all eternity. Oprah, angry at Ann for doing this banished her to her vagina where she lives to this day. Oprah sends her armies of undead furbies to her vagina occasionally to calm the civil war looming there between The Left wing Ann coulters and the Right Wing Ann Coulters and to keep them from entering Earths atmosphere.
Diet and Weight(gain)[edit | edit source]
Oprah currently weighs 250 330 180 120 315 410 150 95 430 80 500 600 725 750 4560 OVER 10000 POUNDS!!!
Her thighs weigh in at a whopping 300 pounds alone! I hope my body can take it.
She is known to eat over 66.6 Megatons of food every day. She feeds on the dignity of African Americans for dessert (and look how much she's had).
During her early days on TV, she would accidentally eat audience members when she was having lunch. Although the audience member screamed in terror, the sheer size and her Sith powers allowed her to consume them all in one bite However, security guards on the side of the stage with electric cattle prods soon helped prevent the accidental ingestion of more audience members of the Oprah show. However she is still known to bite security gaurds from time to time.
In addition to the above Oprah Winfrey often eats small children, little animals and poor Caucasians. These acts are supposedly part of her "community-service" regime, but she taxes the victims before she eats them, so they are so impoverished that they are begging for the death she so humbly provides. Oprah is also known to eat everything in her sight with the possible exception of Dr. Phil.
Oprah is also the current headmistress of Beauxbatons school of witchcraft and wizardry, stationed in France, because, "french women never get fat."
After hundreds of liposuction and bypass surgeries, Oprah (as of June 2007) is finally down to a healthy yet undisclosed weight (because women never tell their weight to anybody). When asked about this sudden weight-loss she replied:
“I'm sick of being one of the millions of obese people in America!, besides now I can finally fit into human-sized jeans instead of whale-sized.”
The McDonalds corporation has expressed anger at Oprah as she has said she will no longer eat at the food chain. Thus McDonalds has lost their second-best customer, but they have Billions and billions so they're not too pissed, although Oprah counted as 1 billion of them. Oprah has also commented that she is done consuming children and fetuses, this has caused much relief in children all across the world as they no longer have to worry about being consumed by her. However Oprah has said she will still include the endangered bald-eagle in her diet, when asked why she replied:
“Eagles are just soooo nutritious! Packed full of ethnocentrist goodness!”
Role in the Death of the Son of Man[edit | edit source]
Simply put, Oprah was the driving factor behind the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. When Pilate asked who would be killed, Oprah shouted "Jesus!" and fled the scene, cleverly disguised as a Jewish mother of twelve. This appearance was actually the driving factor (and the debated original intended target) of Adolf Hitler.
Dr. Phil & Phoprah[edit | edit source]
Oprah had one major enemy in the world and that was Dr. Phil. Through mind control, Oprah Winfrey began to use doctor Phil as a slave to all of her demands. Although she has been reported to own more than 2,500 people, Dr. Phil was said to be the heart of Oprah Winfrey's collection. Aside from Dr. Phil's regular broadcasts, Oprah keeps him in a cage which is located in one of her Book Club printing factories. Dr. Phil was eventually released yet he stayed under the bravado that Oprah would take the world for everything it's worth and become even more evil than before. After he stayed, he was cloned and mixed up with Oprahs DNA to create Dr. Phoprah. Dr. Phil left and swore revenge because she did this behind his back.
Knoxprah and the Assassination[edit | edit source]
Dr Phil was extremely angered at Oprah for creating a clone of him and and her together. He destroyed Phoprah and used Oprahs cloning technique to create a sickly hybrid monster out of several of Oprah's Oprahmas gifts including one of her used thongs and some leftover DNA found on the set of Jackass The Movie. The hybrid monster, which resembled Johnny Knoxville in a very unrealistic way was Oprahs metrosexual clone. Dr Phil quickly named it Knoxprah and sent it to deal with Oprah. Several weeks later, Dr Phil got wind that Oprah had eaten Knoxprah and turned the whole attempted assassination ordeal into another one of her sadisticly brainwashing books for Oprah's Book Club. The book was such a hit that she created a sequel entitled "How I lost the Love Handles That Knoxprah Bestowed Upon Me"
Dr. Phil planned to create several more Konoxprahs to deal with Oprah once and for all but he got sidetracked when his former addiction to Spam surfaced again.
Knoxprah stole the media's attention as being a fashion plate as seen in the picture at the left. According to several store's in Los Angeles, Knoxprah enjoyed pedicures once a week, severe dieting and riding shopping carts at breakneck speeds into brick walls and filming these stunts for fun. He/She was known as a wacko because it had inherited Knoxville's contempt for life itself. Before he was eaten by Oprah, he was said to have lost his left arm to Godzilla itself.
The Bear Incident[edit | edit source]
Oprah once tossed the salad of a live bear on live television, then ate its entrails while the audience looked on in horror, afraid to move due to fear that they would be the next target of consumption. But eventually Oprah fell asleep so the audience was able to leave without being eaten. The next day the subject of Oprah's program was how to deal with the trauma caused by watching talk show hosts eat bear entrails. She then spewed the bear up and ate it again, and again and again and again! It was reported that there was much crying, and uncontrollable vomiting. Then Oprah killed the audience, ate the audience and spewed them out and ate them again and again and again.
The incident cause the families of the deceased audience members to sue Oprah Winfrey for billions of dollars. But in the end she tricked them into cancelling the lawsuit by giving them all Ferrari's. But one unnamed audience member was not tricked by this and as a result Oprah fucked, then ate him, this of course didn't surprise authorities who unfortunately were not able find out the man's name.
Oprah vs. black people[edit | edit source]
Many in the chicken eating community claim that Oprah is an old white woman. Rumor has it that she was forged from the left hipbone of Mia Farrow. Fearing that the "canadian" community would find out her true identity, she was forced to kill black jesus with the help of Bill Cosby and Halle Berry. She and Obama are continuing the conspiracy. The last time Oprah smiled at a "canadian," she was looking in a mirror. She even prefers horse dicks to "canadians," sometimes 2 at a time to be shoved forcefully in her ass.
"Oprah hates "canadians"" -George W. Bush
Oprah and The United Federation of Furbies[edit | edit source]
Recognizing the evil potential Furbies have, Oprah Winfrey took control of the furby craze from the U.S. military government in 1997 (the later which had sent troops to the furby world to bring back Furby speciments). Using her power to brainwash the furby empire, she used them to conspire against the world in an attempt to secure her crown as queen in this sector of the universe. It is now known that Oprah, who had previously become the leader of the United Federation of Furbies, had already brainwashed the furby world once dacades ago in order to kill off the human race while it was still stupid and docile. Historical Records found in Zoltron (the furby planet) show that Furbies were in fact a peaceful species until Oprah envoked her power in their minds in the year 50B.C., resulting in a mutation that deemed the them vicious and demented, traits which became inherent in subsequent furby generations. It is yet unknown what plan Oprah had with the furby empire, but it is know that her attempted at brainwashing them failed miserably. Unable to control the mutated furby world (back then her brainwashing powers weren't as developed as they are now), she instead created The United Federation of Ferbies. At this time, it is believed that Oprah, exhausted from her encounter with the furby empire, retreated into her vacation home (hell) to regroup and regenerate her powers for her next attempt at Earth. She left Judas, her then aprentice, in her place whilst she rested.
Oprah regaind control of her empire in 1yr B.C., during which the federation had grown to include over half of the milkway galaxy and all of Andromeda. Using her improved power to control the savage furbies, she selected 5 and disgused them as human beings. Her evil plan was to bring these mutated furbies into Earth, introduce them as Jesus Christ, Buddah, Lucifer Satan, Osama Bin Laden, and Zeus, and have them seed the worlds religions in an attempt to pit human against human. To do this, she emebed each "god" into one of four quantraints of the Earth. Each Furby would then introduce himself as God to the humans in that specific area and ask of his people to kill off any other human who says otherwise. Thus the genisis of Christianity, Hinduism, Satanism and Islam, the four most powerfull religions of the world (Zeus was unfortunately killed off by his wife Hara and her lover Hades before he could do much of anything). While semingly sucessfull at first, the 4 furbies, posing as gods, decided that they "liked to keep humans as their faithful pets" and proceted to flip-off Oprah. Furious, Oprah sent the rest of the furby empire against them in an attempt to regain her control over the world. The Federation was, however, stopped by Humanity as their faith had grown into a blind conviction. In concoction with Luke Skywalker, humans successfully destroyed the Death Star, the base of operations of The Untied Federation of Ferbies. This was not achieved, however, without sacrifice as the war bough various atrocities to the human race, including The Holocaust, World War 1 and 2, and Sunday Mase. Unfortunately, the reprocutions of these events are still felt today in various forms including pesky christian missionaries, deranged hemophages, and religious wars.
The Federation survived, though fragmented, and Oprah regained her control of the world through her show decades later. The Death Star regrouped to form AT&T, the foremost evil communications corporation of the galaxy (charging exorbident amounts of money for phone calls, even on weekends). Oprah, who caugh wind of the U.S. reconosaince work at Zoltron in 1997, managed to gain control over the operations and ate off anyone who had knowledge of the matter. Through this, she was able to reinstatate her rule in the Furby world and using her powers (which where now at peak performance) brainwashed the furby species for the second time. This time her sinister plot consisted of converting half of the furby population into irrisistably cuddly toys, which would then be sold to human kids across the world. The furbies would then kill their owners (the kids). Her goal was to have one furby per human child, effectively ensuring human extinction.
At long last however, the furby craze subzided after years of onslaut. Oprah decided to abandon her use of the Furby world and proceded to destroy their Solar System with a fart, causing a spectacula supernova that ended their existance as we know it.
Attacks on Oprah[edit | edit source]
Tom Cruise[edit | edit source]
In accordance with Sith(Catholic) tradition, Oprah trained her own apprentice, Tom Cruise, giving him the creative Sith(Confirmation) name of Darth Cruise. Using her evil powers to brainwash him, Oprah planned to use Darth Cruise in her latest plan for world domination. As part of her plan, she revealed Cruise was her apprentice on live TV, but made the mistake of making a bad joke during her grand speech in which she told everyone about her evil scheme, like most super villains do. Enraged, Cruise cackled evilly and attempted to suck Oprah's brains out of her ass, shouting "no amount of shit can stop me!" as he did. Who won the fight is not known, as all the cameras were turned off shortly after the attack began, although both Cruise and Oprah appear to still be alive. It is believed the attempted assassination was coincided with Dr. Phil's new aquirance of force powers, which threatened Oprah's scheme.
Unfortunately, Cruise got over the joke and subsequently killing the cameramen, which is why there has been no video footage of the fight.
Rumors have been circulating that the Cruise-Oprah incidence is the plot of the upcoming Star Wars: Episode VII.
Sauron[edit | edit source]
By feeding her tainted meat, the Lord of the Dance Sauron infected Oprah with Q Bene Gesserit, the human form of Mad Cow Disease. Because one of the symptoms of Bene Gesserit is Spice addiction, Sauron's control of the Spice means she controls Oprah Winfrey, although Oprah does not realize this to be true. Sauron has strangely not taken advantage of her control of Oprah as of present. Most believe that Oprah's creation of Wikipedia scared Sauron to the point of forgetting that she even had the capacity of controlling someone as monstrous as Oprah.
The League of Extraordinary Grandmas[edit | edit source]
[[Image:Oprahnanny.jpg|thumb|right|Only the interference of the group, known only as the English Nannies Guild, saved Oprah from the wrath of the League of Extraordinary Grandmas.]]
The League of Extraordinary Grandmas were originally Oprah Winfrey's personal assassination squad until she replaced them with Tom Cruise a.k.a Darth Cruise. Furious, The League of Extraordinary Grandmas rebelled against Oprah and marked her at the top of their bounty list. Recently though, The League of Extraordinary Grandmas have cease to act against Oprah and are focusing more on confronting The possible love-child of Mark Twain and Oscar Wilde, who they consider to be a bigger threat.
Warning[edit | edit source]
Do not attempt to harm Oprah in any way. In 1991, Oprah (on advice from Count Steadmond), consulted with the Pope and changed her bodyguard task force from the relatively tame band of rabid Canadians that had protected her during the color purple riots of 2007. The Oprah's new task force is made up of a semi-elite squad of clinjas.
If you ever mention talk bad of her production company's (HELLPO) failed movie "Beloved", Oprah will sit on your face and eat you and your Oreos with her pussy.
Also, her aforementioned pussy has been known to consume children, furniture, and underdeveloped third-world nations (without the Oprah girl's schools, of course). This was documented in a famous case: many of the Oprah Book & Booze club were disinclined to continue to read and get wasted after Oprah's cunt's voracious hunger caused it (him?) to consume the libidos and car keys of the women and gay men. These frigid, disenfranchised book fags joined a class-action lawsuit to forever seal the black hole known as Oprah's pussy, and to defray their sexy-time classes.
Oprah in Tibetan Cosmology[edit | edit source]
Tibetan sages say there has always been an Oprah and will always be an Oprah. Every cycle of the universe begins with a corruptive element - an Oprah - and this Oprah corruption ultimately destroys that cycle. Oprah then moves on to a new universe to begin again. Oprah has been born innumerable times and takes innumerable forms, but she is always present. Always, she waits for her time (the Oprahyuga) to strike.
The universal cycle generally has three stages:
- 1. Primal ooze. Oprah feasts! Then diets. Then she feasts again!
- 2. Industrial Revolution. Oprah usually clones Hitler or something.
- 3. Oprahyuga. Oprah creates a talk show and begins to insinuate herself into the collective subconscious. Soon she has her own magazine and her own television network. She begins dictating the food you eat and the books you read. Shortly thereafter, the universe dies an agonising heat death.
Oprah-mas[edit | edit source]
Oprahmas, which is set in August (to relieve department stores of the fact that there are no holidays, and therefore no reasons to spend, in August...except for those depressing back-to-school sales), is fun for all. The week before Oprahmas Day, children all over the world would set up a gigantic chair in the living room, and decorate it with tinsel, glass balls, and bacon grease. On Oprahmas Day children sing beloved carols like "It's Raining Men" and "If You Wanna Be My Lover," before being sent to bed early, lest Oprah, who distributes gifts with her loyal elf Steadman, will violently scorn anyone who sees her and sit on anyone who comments on her weight. While the children are asleep, their parents get drunk and buy presents. Finally, on Oprahmas morning, children awake to find incredible gifts under the Oprahmas Seat, and there is fun, followed by awkward family reunions, for all. Oprah gives away things that usually do one of the following:
- Hypnotize you into joining her army
- Turn you into a mindless-redneck zombie (a Dr. Phil clone)
- Hug complete strangers on the sidewalk
Traditional Oprahmas presents include:
- New Cars - Mostly Restored AMC Gremlins
- New Computers - Mostly Restored Commodore PET's
- New iPods - Mostly Virus ridden fake iPods
- Posters of Oprah naked
- One of Oprah's slightly used Thongs
- One of Oprah's slightly used Tampons
- Bottled fat from her liposuctions
- Heads of the non-belivers
- Nigerian Children
- The Color Purple action figures
- The Color Purple Crunch Cereal
[[Image:oprahgift.jpg|right|thumb|300px|People who receive Oprahs gifts will often be emotionally scarred for life]]
- Grand Theft Oprah Windy City For PS3 X-Box 360, but not for Wii!!!(Unedited Version!!! Includes the imfamous Dark Chocolate mini game where Oprah runs naked through the city!
- Grand Theft Oprah Windy City (Edited Version)
- Grand Theft Oprah Food City
- Tickets to The Color Purple on Broadway.
- Oprah's Secret Obesity Tapes - 1985 on Betamax
- Items that are indeed better than Tyra Banks's vaseline giveaways
- A Same-sex Sex Slave
- Book Of Mormon
- Book Of Mormon, on tape, as read by Alice Walker, Barack Obama, Black Jesus, with an introduction by Dr. Martin Luther King, Sr., as interpreted by James Earl Jones.
- Book Of Mormom, on tape, as read by your mom.
- Book Of Mormon, with NEVER BEFORE SEEN secret footage!!!
- Half a can of pringles.
- Head and Shoulders Shampoo, Lice Edition
- A ripped 80s shoulder pad
- Phillip Pullman's(His Dark Materials) Trilogy Set.
- Partially eaten lubricant packet
- Oprah Brand Faulty Vibrators
- Oprah Brand (Natural) Male Enhancement Products
- Half Ripped Nipple Bra's
- Soiled Pantyhose
- Oprah Brand Stool Softeners
- Oprah Brand Butt Plugs
- Monogrammed Oprah Brand Diaphraghm
- Nanny 9-11 Dolls - The Lesbian Series
- Soiled blood stained tampons
- Oprah's personal box of self pleasuring goodies
The Oprah Mentality[edit | edit source]
GOD LIKES DARK MEAT. Traditionally of the "Wait not, want not" mind frame. If she wants something, be sure that she will do whatever has to be done in order to take it. Annoy her, and instantly climb to the top of her hate list. Appease her, and you will be allowed to bathe in her glow for the better part of 4 seconds, the time it takes her mind to flit to more meaningful topics like "that sink would go well with my Alsatians" or "I want a green drink today, because green is my mad colour". Another one of her various mentalities is the "Give and Run". This is a behavior that is currently being studied by leading psychologist Tara Reid. Oprah believes she can cover up any crime or any atrocity with giving away gifts. Another example was the Car give away. What appeared to be a act of kindness was nothing more than shear evilness. Oprah gave away cars knowing that the audience members would have to pay tax on the cars. Suffering brings peace to the swirling void that is Oprah's mind.
Long Live the Oprah! Viva la Oprah!
Oprah's Favorite Activities[edit | edit source]
[[image:Oprahhulk1.jpg|left|thumb|Oprah in her spare time.]] Oprah's 2 favorite hobbies are suffering and pain. (Mostly when inflicted on eagles which are endangered)
While Oprah does not conform to the definition of "not evil" in the traditional sense, she does tend to enjoy moderately nice things. On a good day, she has been found to be taking her rage out on dump trucks full of chocolate as opposed to dump trucks full of kittens and golden retriever puppies. This usually consists of a fierce destruction of the item(s) with a swift summoning of Cerberus, the 3-headed dog of Hell itself. After that, whatever remains is consumed and regurgitated, presumably to make room for more chocolate/puppies.
Oprah enjoys spending time with her "friend", Gayle King and Dr. Phil. Some believe that they are working on an even more heinous plan for Oprah to take over the country...and the world as we know it. But instead they were just planning to buy the world's largest Hershey bar as a snack.
Autorities have tried to arrest Oprah multiple times for these crimes but she usually eats them all before they were able to make any arrest. Then she covers it up by saying various lies such as "The niggaz did it!!!". These excuses always shift attention away from her and instead to the people she's blaming, so unfortunately we'll never see her behind bars (not that she would fit anyway).
One of her favorite pre-show activities is giving lobotomies to the audience members rendering them incapable to think or have any free will. No free will or O-Will (short for Oprah's Will) is the most effective way to brain control people. Before she used more "Oprahasive" approaches such as feeding audience members to a Crevolist (half frog half bear) which lives in a cave underneath her show. This is so that the audience will always agree with her opinions so that it seems like shes always right.
The Cheese Biscuit Affair[edit | edit source]
On the day of Sept. 6 of 2004, a young woman was creating cheese biscuits when it came to her attention that there was the shape of Oprah's face embedded in the cheese. Startled, the woman showed her discovery to the police, who in turn salivated and tried to take a bite from the cheese biscuit. The Biscuit became big news and was on FOX news as well as Good Morning America, and before anyone knew it, the young woman was on the Oprah show, showing the world her biscuit. The women flew from their chairs and began to bow to the cheese biscuit, which made Oprah incredibly angry, (how dare they worship a FALSE OPRAH!!!) Throwing her chair into the air and snatching the cheese biscuit from the woman. Oprah consumed the biscuit, screeching and laughing maniacilly. It was not long until Oprah realized that she had just consumed herself, and she crumbled into dust, or rather, temporarily floated into another dimension.
The "Your Not allowed in here" Affair[edit | edit source]
On the day of June 4th, 2005, Oprah tried to enter a store called 'Hermes' but was refused entry. The owner was on site and knew very well that she was only coming there to destroy the store and replace it with an 'O' Book Club department store. As Oprah realised that the owner could see into her plotting mind, she quickly turned the incident into a racial argument and made sure to rally every news company in North America to see what was going on. The store quickly made an apology statement and under a cover of darkness, Oprah destroyed the store 3 days later and it is now "Oprah's Big Store of The Big Books". Recent investigations have found that it is for Club O members only.
Oprah's Book Club[edit | edit source]
Oprah has been seen as an almost evil totalitarian dictator because she uses her Book Club, titled by her name, to brainwash the masses of people that read her books into moving to Oprah's Evil Empire and becoming her slaves.
Filmography[edit | edit source]
- Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (1971) as (chocolate bar)
- Don't Eat the Babies (1983) as (baby eater)
- Return of the Jedi (1983) as (Jabba the Hut)
- The Color Purple (1985) as (Mrs. Purple)
- Soul Food (1997) as (Fat Black Woman eating collared greens #3)
- "Oprah" (1986-the future) as (herself)
- Superman IV (1987) as (nuclear man)
- Terminator 2 - Judgement Day (1991) as (melting nuclear playground mom #4)
- Fat Albert (2004) as (title character)
- Diary of a Mad Black Woman (2005) as (herself)
- The fact that my best friend has the word 'gay' in her name means nothing (documentary, upcoming)
- The Nutty Professor (1996) as (Eddie Murphy's stunt double)
- "The Color Purple Part 2: (2007) Return of Mammy" as (Mrs. Purple)
- "The Color Purple Part 3: (2008) The Bitch is back" as (Mrs. Purple)
- "The Color Purple Part 4: (2010) Attack of the furbies" as (Mrs. Purple/Furbie empress of Hell)
- "The Color Purple Part 5: (2012) Apocalypse" as (Supreme Being of the Universe) Note: This film grossed $876,987,657,456,342 and won 600 academy awards. Oprah has stated that if you don't see it she will bite your head off or make you watch Desperate Housewives...NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
See also[edit | edit source]
Pounds of food Oprah has consumed since you started reading this article:
    
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