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“...It's a box. A freakin' cardboard box.”
It's finally here! The PS4 (already dubbed the console to end all consoles) has arrived on our shops' shelves, and only 3 years after its official release date! N00bs the world over emerged from their lairs, blinded by the sun but determined to be among the lucky 8 billion or so people who would get their hands, feet and possibly other body parts on a limited edition PS4, or virtual reality box. Queues in London stretched all the way to Mos Eisley, where the sand people are reported to be "very excited". One sand person told us, "things have been a bit boring round here recently; I mean, we haven't really had much to do since R2D2 went off with Luke Skywalker, and that was years ago. Sure, the cameramen said they were just going to take a break and that they'd be back in a few minutes to give us our payment of pies, but did we ever hear from them again? No. Apparently travel to and from the Death Star is too expensive. Bloody typical." The console has already been banned in several countries, including America: "The PS4 represents change, change causes ignorance and ignorance leads to jealousy, which is the root of hatred. There is no room for hatred in modern America" says President Bill Gates. Incidentally, he would like us to mention that the Microsoft XBox 6D is a bargain at just 4,500 Earth dollars, and can be found in any half-decent shop, family home or sidestreet near you.
Due to a current drop in the price diamonds, the diamond processor has lowered the production costs of the PS4 to a whopping $534,535,634,345,634,889 Euros.
The new design from Sony is known as a Binary Oscillating X-57, or BOX. Years in the making, it is the single most advanced piece of technology on the face of the planet, and is seen by many to be ultimate proof of the existence of God; the argument goes that God would have been crazy not to create us, knowing that if he did we would in turn create something as breathtakingly spectacular as the BOX, but God, by definition, is not crazy, so He must have created us. In fact, some claim that BOX is more intelligent than God, and may even kill God and take over the world.
The BOX is a highly sophisticated piece of equipment. It does away with the traditional knobs, twiddly things and important-looking flashing lights found on most games consoles and fembots; in their place is a complex mixture of nitrogen, oxygen, argon, carbon dioxide, neon, helium, krypton and xenon molecules which together form an invisible substance known as Alternating Inducement Radiation, or AIR. The PlayStation 3's wireless controller and the Nintendo Pooo's control-less controller progressed naturally to the PlayStation 4's complete lack of a controller. Of course, the decision to do away with controllers is also due in part to the famous Soviet Russian case of 2018, when the Nintendo GameSphere controlled its players and forced them to torture themselves by reading books and socialising with females. We also all know the annoying piece of technology called electricity, we all hate it because of the electricity cable that has to plug into all current consoles. This is annoying so we got rid of the whole electricity idea. But still it has many features such as it's extreme small amount of weight.
One of the mind-buggeringly brilliant innovations of the PS4 is the introduction of the revolutionary Manually Automated Kinetically Energised Bloody Excellent Learning Integrated Eternal Versatility Emulator games, or MAKEBELIEVE games. These games shun the old-fashioned, some would say Nazi view that a disc of some shape or form (a Digital Versatile Disc , a slipped disc or a Discworld) must be inserted into a console for gameplay to be possible. No, for the amazing price of 200 Earth dollars one can buy a MAKEBELIEVE game, which comes with no discs or other superfluous paraphernalia. Current available titles include:
- Boxhead: The Rise of Boxhead
- Boxhead 2: The Fall of Boxhead
- Boxhead 3: Boxhead Gets Up Again, But Is Slightly Woozy
- Boxhead 4: Boxhead's Untimely Death
- Liza Minnelli
One of the most arresting features of the PS4 is its novel capacity for online gaming. The bright sparks at Sony realised that most people already had computers capable of playing the internet, so all they did was release a special version of Boxhead compatible with the internet (Boxhead: Wired, in which the gamer plays the internet with a box on his or, less likely, her head), and watched the Earth Dollars roll in. The game was an instant hit because of the pleasure gamers got from taking the
box PS4 off their head and seeing what they had managed to do; how many petitions they had signed, how much viagra they had ordered, that sort of thing. Unfortunately, Boxhead: Wired has temporarily been taken off the shelves; not because of any fault or danger to the gamer, but because, ironically, the managing director of Sony accidentally ordered it to be removed from circulation while playing it himself.