User:Cap'n Ben/Great Time Travel War of 1871
“Oh, what a lovely war!”
“Cap'n Ben/Great Time Travel War of 1871? Everybody knows jack---- about Cap'n Ben/Great Time Travel War of 1871!”
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The Great Time Travel War of 1871, 1845, 1920, 1535, April 6th 1961, 2067, 800, 1, 4, 12 B.C., March 4th, Canada Day, and 45678 (Usually summarized as the Great Time Travel War of 1871, or simply put, The Most Amazing War That Was Ever or Ever Shall Be Written into History) was/is/will be fought by a multitude of parties during a period lasting from 1871 to roughly 65 million BC, with bits of the 21st-30th centuries scattered here and there. The following text attempts to describe a six-dimensional war in linear terms.
Background[edit | edit source]
The war began/begins when time-travelers Bill and Ted attempted/attempt to return William "Billy the Kid" Bonney to his own time. Their calculations (such as they were) were/are/will be off by ten years, and Billy was/is/will be stranded in 1871.
Billy went into a saloon, and was/is/will be surprised that, in spite of his 1881 fame, none of the 1871 people had even heard of him. After wandering around for a time, Billy was discovered by time-traveling assassins hiding in a nearby alley. Knowing this would/was/will be their only chance to keep the corrupt Bonney presidency from ever occurring, they converged on Billy, old-time Western guns drawn.
The only problem was that a gentleman wearing a long scarf and identifying himself as the Doctor walked into the alley. Realizing that Billy was lost in time, he quickly summoned the TARDIS to fall upon the future assassins, killing them. This discrepancy will have resulted in the destruction of all space-time.
Reaction of Nazi-Earth Alpha[edit | edit source]
Upon learning about this risk to all that is/was/might have been, Futurefuhrer Hillary "Adolph" Clinton, the leader of Nazi-Earth Alpha, set out to conquer all alternate history streams by sending wave after wave of chronopanzers into the Vortex. This "Zeitkrieg" was masterminded by Nazi-Earth Alpha's Brain Bank, a collection of the brains of top scientists kept in jars and kept alive with, I don't know, electrodes or something.
Nazi-Earth A's time project was based on reverse engineered Disney time-corridor technology. Since Futurefuhrer's regime lacked adequate computers to control this technology, the full power of the Brain Bank was required to keep the corridors open. When the leader of the Nazi-Earth Alpha Resistance, CyberTintin, blew up the Brain Bank, the chronopanzers were left trapped in the Timestream.
Sitars In Popular Contemporary Culture[edit | edit source]
The state of the society in the Great Time Travel War consisted of authoritarianism, dictatorship, horses, and autocracy. That's why the people, also know as Elves, emulated the great and all-powerful Wicked Witch of the West by playing the most well-known of all musical balls-- the sitar. It is said that the sound of intelligent rotation created by the sitar could cure the illnesses so common during the time of the Great Time Travel War: plague, vegetarianism, and Hammertime.
Joan of Arc and the Battle for Middle Earth[edit | edit source]
When France was in danger of invasion from Nazi-Earth Alpha, the french people now/then had to turn to the United States Marines. The Marines were already engaged in the Roman-Revolutionary War (see above image), and had to rely on the next best thing... a hot chick with a sword. Joan of Arc was the daughter of super models Adriana Lima and Christy Nicole Turlington, and was/is/will thus (be) given the powers of hawt. In Janvember 14, 1220ish Joan setup/is setting up/will be setup land mines, bunkers, and props from the hit movie "Titanic" on the beaches of Normandy, in preparation for the Nazi invasion. The next day/day before/today the battle ensued, as orcs took to the beaches, Ringwraiths took to the sky. The vicious conflict lasted a long cruel 15 minutes, as the French surrendered under hostile... nothing. The orcs/UPS deliverymen ran up on the beaches and didn't kill anyone, and the French surrendered. Joan (still wearing her helmet) disgusted by the horror of weak (french) men, challenged the Witch King to a pillow fight. The pillow fight was intense, there was a light show and everything. When the smoke cleared the Witch claimed that "No Man shall kill Me" Joan removed her helmet at that very moment of clarity and she spoke "I'm Rick James, Bitch!" and destroyed the Witch King with a crushing pillow blow. The Nazi/orc horde retreated/will retreat/is retreating or died as they fell into craters opened in the ground by the Space Shuttle Columbia, and the French then discovered how it felt to actually win a battle. Joan moved her forces to the east along the border of Mexico to fortify her position. Maybe, I dunno.
The Cuban Missile-Toe Crisis[edit | edit source]
"Remember, remember!! the elevententh of New-vember" Castro will/has yet/going to successfully kidnapped Santa this all happens/will happen/has happened New-vember 11tenth, 3000. President JFK will take actions into his own hands to search for a way to successfully come to an agreement... A solution if you will, that benefits both sides without the actions of fighting. A way for peace to prevail, and resolution to make all right for both peoples (but mostly for Americans). A commitment, a pact of thoughtful suggestions from both view points that will sought and made arrangement that will be agreeable for all. A unification of understanding, and gathering around the camp fire singing Kumbaya and making smores. The kind of peace made with flowers, hippie chicks, a bottle of baby oil, a plastic sheet on the floor, and the best tracks from Chris Brown, and Pretty Ricky. Santa was (or will be) executed by gun squad, as both Cuba and the United States split his goodies, and pawn his sleigh.
My Shakespeare Brings All the Boys to the Yard[edit | edit source]
Willaim Shakespeare was inspired by the events of Fudgember 80th 1515 of the New Wonka Calender, a time when England was under the control of the evil emperor-god Willy Wonka. Willaim decided to chronicle all events of the Great Time Travel War of 1871 on a fivestar class notebook he kept hidden in his footlocker along with naked photos of Queen Victoria and the JFK investigation files. The notebooks held unmentionable documentation and information, many kings, rulers, and powerful leaders were willing to fight wars for. Famous Grimores and historical were diliberate ripoffs from Shakespeare's Notebooks. The Articles were only known as the Nakie-nomicon, the grimore of grimores.
Attempts to Rectify the Crisis[edit | edit source]
Doctor Who was about to return Billy to his own time, when he was bushwhacked by Kang the Conqueror, a descendant of the future President Bonney. Kang attempted to kill the Doctor, but was stopped by the surprise appearance of Drs. Newman and Phillips, who had arrived in 1871 via the Time Tunnel.
The Time Tunnel project was a secret US government project set up in the 1960s, using "black ops" money collected by the CIA agents disguised as highschool children selling chocolates door to door. [1] The whole operation was planned by Freemasons to counter the Vatican's time travel project, through which they intended to go back and prevent the assassination of JFK. When the Vatican time experiments failed, the Time Tunnel administrators reluctantly retasked the project for good, instead of evil.
The Doctor and the Time Tunnel people fled to Ancient Atlantis with Billy in tow. Once there, they discovered that Dr. Sam Beckett of Star Gate Command had/will "Quantum Leapt" into the body of the Atlantean high priest. Beckett attempted to kill Billy, reasoning that it was better to risk the damage to the time stream than to have allowed Kang to will/have existed [2]. This plan was foild by a red-haired child and a small white dog, allowing Billy to hitch a ride into the far future with Rip Hunter the Time Master.
Billy's Trip to the End of Time[edit | edit source]
Billy was safe in the far future. Or so he thought! "Rip Hunter" turned out to be none other than the evil Corporate Mascot known only as The Master. The Master captured Billy and placed/will place/is placing him in a sealed box in which he would have a fifty percent chance of dying. This split and is re-besplit the time stream, creating two divergent Billie’s, Kang and Immortus, who each returned to the 20th Century, intending to prevent the other's existence.
Attempts by the Doctor, the good Per Degaton of Earth A, the Doctor, the Doctor's son, and the Doctor to capture Kang and Immortus to keep them from causing harm were to have been thwarted when they were sidetracked when Murlocks from the year 10000 Ad launched an all out attack on the year 1979, regarded by many as the weak point in the Wells-Einstein Line, the Twentieth Century's first line of defence.
Tyrannosaurs vs. Samurai[edit | edit source]
Twice thwarted in their attempts to conquer Japan, the Mongols allied themselves with the Tyranolords of the Saurian Imperiatium. Sending wave after wave of fierce warriors mounted on Tyrannosaurs and Raptors across the Sea of Japan on the backs of giant Icthysaurs, Kublai Khan and his chief advisors [3] seemed certain to win. Given the known ease with was which large therapods can devastate Japan, even the help offered to the Shogun by three alternate versions of Hiro Nakamura was insufficient to turn the tide.
Fortunately, a time capsule buried by a Japanese high school in 2010 went the wrong way through time, and was dug up by a wasabi farmer in the twelfth century. By studying its contents, Japanese technology developed strongly over the next century, and so they were able to meet the DinoMongol hordes with breech loading cannon, simple aircraft and some sort of plastic dealey with a picture of a kitten on one side and a solar panel on the other [4].
Kang vs Immortus - the Final Stage[edit | edit source]
Meaninged to destroy Immortus, Kang interfered with the creation of the Time Tunnel project, bringing the Tunnel out from Masonic guidance and under the control of the Illuminati. This had/has/will have/grue the effect of having already been going to alter the behaviour of Newman and Phillips, leading to friction with the Doctor and will have causing the group to fled to medieaval Sweden instead of Atlantis [5]. Having the key players right where he wanted them, he had them surrounded by his minions. Due to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, it is not possible to tell if these minions were demon possessed astronauts, robot vikings or Zulu impis armed with spearguns.
Immortus countered by inspiring Dr Emmett Brown to create a time-machine/DeLorean that would eventually have lead to Marty McFly’s killing of Bill and Ted in a hit-and-run accident in 1066, thus preventing any of the preceding to have ever happened. This restored the universe to usual, and everything reverted to normal, as if none of it had ever happened. Which it didn't.
Poor Billy, no longer knowing of his destiny, was ambushed by Pat Garrett and killed, thus erasing those consarnded assassins from time and space... forevermore.
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ^ This practice continues to the present day. If any youngster attempts to sell you chocolate, magazine subscriptions, seeds or lemonade, he or she is obviously a CIA plant. Buying their products is morally tantamount to torture and murder. You might as well be eating Third World babies.
- ^ Trust me, this makes sense on some level.
- ^ The Hessian leader, Col. Rall called it "The advantage of considerable fucking surprise. Fucking Romans. Who saw that coming? Seriously, who?"
- ^ The Marquis de Sade and Jerry Bruckheimer.
- ^ Seriously, what's that about?
- ^ Phew!