UnNews:Sean Combs admits to baby oil addiction
Friday, October 11, 2024
BROOKLYN, New York – You may have heard of influential rapper, music producer, and sex trafficker/diddler Sean Combs. If you haven't, where were you, living under a rock? Anyways, one of our reporters has just entered the prison he's currently held in to try to ask at least one the many, many questions we're all thinking of, "Why do you have so much baby oil?"
When our reporter entered the prison that Combs was in, according to him, he realized that Combs was with his cellmate, crypto bro Sam Bankman-Fried. Sam was a weird guy, trying to shill crypto to his fellow inmates to little avail. However, Combs was recording an apology video prior to our reporter interrupting the.
"I made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgment, and I don’t expect to be forgiven. I’m simply here to apologize. What we came across that day- I mean, what I did to those kids in my mansion was obviously unplanned. The reactions you saw on tape were raw; they were unfiltered. None of us knew how to react or how to feel. I should have- Wait, what is he doing here!"
"I'm from UnNews. We're here to interview you about the baby oil."
At this, Combs was shocked.
"Didn't I tell my lawyer to make up something about Costco or some shit?"
Mr. Combs was not aware that Marc Agnifilo, one of his attorneys, did so on TMZ. However, Agnifilo left soon after, with his note stating that he exited due to "this shit getting real weird." He was not available for commentary.
Additionally, a representative for Costco firmly denied these claims, stating, "Ok. We sell a lot of shit in bulk. In fact, we probably sell cow manure to random farmers in bulk. But we don't sell baby oil. This is for one reason and one reason only: Who the fuck is going to use a thousand bottles of baby oil?"
After badgering him for a few minutes, Combs finally cracked.
"Fine, I'll tell you! But you don't know how much baby oil I really have. The thousand-oil figure them Feds stated doesn't include the stuff I keep in the attic."
When we inquired on how and why he got all of this, Combs revealed that he needed it for the massive orgies he done and got it from the Dark Web. He never elaborated further.
With this newfound info, we traveled to one of Combs' victims: Justin Bieber. Although Bieber was not available (He was too busy getting stoned), one of his former cameramen was able to inform us on Bieber's relationship with Combs. He asked to remain anonymous for personal reasons.
"So basically, when I found Bieber, he was miserable. He told me that when he wasn't being a suburban homeboy, Combs demanded that he should come to his mansion every Tuesday for 'special things' which used baby oil. In hindsight, it was pretty obvious what Bieber was meant to do, it's just that people had such an irrational hatred for him that we didn't care."