User:ASHPD/Command & Conquer TV
| The most original Command & Conquer TV Logo ever made. | |
| |
| Command & Conquer 4: Tiberian Twilight | |
|---|---|
| Developer | Electronic Arts |
| Creator | China |
| Release Date | 2007 |
| Rating by ESRB | PG |
| Genre | Spam; Propaganda |
| Preceded by | Command & Conquer SAGA |
| Followed by | Command & Conquer: Read Alert 3 |
| Will you be brainwashed after watching it | Hell Yeah! All hail EA! |
Command & Conquer Television or Command Conquer Television, commonly abbreviated as CCTV (simplified Chinese: 中国中央电视台; pinyin: Zhōngguó Zhōngyāng Diànshìtái) is the major television broadcaster in Electronic Arts Los Angeles. Unknown to the masses, it is in fact a sub-ministry of the People's Republic of China's central government within the State Administration of Radio, Film, and Television. As the PRC government controls the station, it is actually on a mission to turn Democratic civilian lives into Capitalistic citizens, in which they will eventually declare Los Angeles independence to China.
Its news reporting follows parameters directed by the Propaganda Department of the Communist Party of Electronic Arts. Most of its programming, however, is a mix of comedy and dramatic programming in Command & Conquer theme (as a disguise for an innocent popular gaming show), the majority of which consists of Electronic Arts Advertisements. Like many media outlets in America, CCTV had its state subsidy reduced dramatically in 2008, and hence finds it necessary to balance its role as a government agency with the practical fact that it must attract viewers so that it can sell commercial EA advertising.
In searching for viewers, CCTV has found itself in competition with local television stations (such as NBC, Fox, CNN, That Oprah Show) which have been creating increasingly large media groups in order to compete with CCTV.
In order to reach as much as possible to all viewers, CCTV has been broken down with 3 big genres. Each designed specifically for certain fans' needs, as well as propaganda tolerance. It was realized that the three genres fit perfectly for geeks, nerds, and fags, in which the tolerance of communistic propaganda increases respectively.
Battlenet Primetime[edit | edit source]
By far, it is the most known and watched 30 minute show which geeks watch to keep up with the comedy and drama. Featuring two space monkeys (Raa-ouch Joshit and David Ass Silberman) as the hosts, basically teaching the basic and expert tricks such as "How to you turn on your computer the uber cool way?" and "How to put the game disc in the drive the 180 degree way?" and "How to click the mouse?" and "David Ass Silberman's way to press the Hotkeys on the keyboard". Basically this show is just a 15 minute show and expanded to a 40 minute show with the rest of the time spent on Electronic Arts advertisements and trailers.
This program is even uploaded onto YouTube daily.
This is a TV show specially designed for geeks, and has even attracted Starcraft Korean fanboys due to the fascination of the word "Battlenet" within the show.
Aftermath[edit | edit source]
This is a 10 minute TV show specifically designed for nerds. It was designed to be that short because Electronic Arts developers got hands tied with bigger commitments and randomly make a low quality show just to please the nerds.
Each episode features a supposedly "C&C babe", which isn't a babe but some random fugly person, and Electronic Arts developers brand her as a "C&C babe". The developers took their chance in believing the nerds would not mind about the "C&C Babe" because they care more on game balances and watching the two space monkeys making fools of themselves in "behind the scenes" or "bloopers".
True enough the developers were right. The nerd fans praised the show and showed more concern over the bloopers section rather than the "C&C Babe" issue.
It was verified by other C&C fans from the official forums that one should never argue to those nerds that the "C&C babe" is a disaster or fugly. These nerds would try as hard as possible do defend this series because of their love for watching space monkeys bloopers, and would wave around their EA game boxes at you, or swear until their throats are hoarse that C&C Aftermath series rule.
Talk about madness! And that is for nerds only. In fact it was an insider nerd joke among the nerds for calling this show the "Aftermathematics 101" as they thought it was cool and funny.
Update:
On Feb 2008, Electronic Arts decide to stop halt the "Aftermath" series, reasons range from "tons of complaints received from the head of department for cost cutting issue", "unable to hire any female as a "C&C Babe"" as well as "America's Guild Writer's Strike" (in which the creator of the "Aftermath" series is a member of the strike).
Recent interviews with Greg White, he stated that another reason was that they EA developers cannot stand the nerds, they want fans who are more geeky or "passionate" fags who would defend the franchise more than the terrible nerds. He even stated that the nerds inability to defend the series is pure disgrace to the C&C community.
Complain School[edit | edit source]
Complain School is a 10 minute show for none other than fags. It's basically a TV show to see "how passionate the C&C fans are" as Mike Verdu stated, in which this show features posted videos of C&C fags doing that "screaming and whining thing of theirs", some extreme cases featuring fags screaming till their lungs explode, some threatening other n00bs for a challenge by taunting and waving their short rods to their opponents, and some others just waved their testicles till they are absolutely right about certain facts and arguments. So far this is getting out of control as leading no-life spammers such as Randall Chia A.K.A. Valdez managed to mock every single user online (There are a million, six thousand and 9 hundred plus users on CCTV) under an amazing unbreakable record of 60 minutes!
Listed below are the Top 10 Classic FAQs in the show for the past two months:
No.1 "WHERE IS WALLS!?!?!"
No.2 "ZOMFG AVATARS ARE IMBA! PLS NERF IT DOWN!"
No.3 "SCRIN IS USELESS FACTION!"
No.4 "PLS LOWER ECONOMY BOOM!"
No.5 "GDI PREDATARD OP!!!"
No.6 "FAGGOT RANDALL CHIA A.K.A. VALDEZ THE FAGGING N00B CHEATED & DISCONNECTS IN MATCHES! EA PLS BAN HIM!!!"
No.7 "MILITANT SQUAD NEEDS URGENT BUFF! MAKE THEM SHOOT SOMETHING THIS TIME ROUND!!! >:["
No.8 "NOD SAM DESYNCS! PLS FIX THIS ****!!!"
No.9 "WHY THE **** DID IT TAKE SO LONG FOR THIS PATCH?"
No.10 "WAY TO GO EA... YOU MADE GDI EVEN WORST THAN EVER BEFORE!!!"
Like I said, just close your eyes, cover your ears and wish they get a life some day, though that may not be possible since they have none, whatever.
Interesting Facts of CCTV[edit | edit source]
That (HD) in CCTV[edit | edit source]
After severals episodes been aired with the "HD" label in a low res video format, when asked about the why Electronic Arts have it labeled "HD" when it is not even high-definition video. Electronic Arts's response is this:
| “ | It actually stands for Hype Drama, not High Definition, sorry folks. | ” |
The Mysterious Symbol[edit | edit source]
It seems that every single episode of CCTV show contains a mysterious symbol (☭) one way or another. It just keeps popping up like a stalker; inculding:
- Raa-ouch Joshit's eyes when he does the eye popping stunt in first episode of Battlenet Primetime.
- Hidden under David Ass Silberman's goatee.
- A scar on Greg Casavine's wrist from a suicide attempt in the overwhleming complaints in Complain School.
- On the end of a really, really long nose that Greg White can't stop talking about.
- On a computer screen when the third CCTV Aftermath Babe illegally downloaded C&C The First Decent Package.
- On a necklace of Aaron Coughman, next to the rainbow and the unicorn.
- Second CCTV Aftermath Babe's chastity belt.
- Stare directly at the sun for 15 minutes and you'll see it.