UnNews:We sit down with President Biden, and the results will surprise you

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

Monday, March 8, 2021

"Remember the mess Hoover left Fedder? Yeah, it's like that."

President Joe Biden has had a hell of a run, after eviscerating Donald John Trump in the 2020 election with 306 electoral votes he has managed to take the presidency to levels never before seen. He has done... a decent amount, but remember what Bill Palmer always says, "There are no magic wands." He's doing a fair enough job fixing Trump's immigration problem. He has yet to raise the minimum wage, plus the House and the Senate is as divided as ever. But luckily, the COVID-19 relief bill passed the Senate, with a slim 50-49 margin.

But we still have faith in Joe Biden because unlike ED News, we believe that these are just bumps for Joe Biden to overcome in order to instill a legacy that America has never seen before... Hopefully.

However, being the worryworts that we are; we begged Joe Biden for an interview and surprise, surprise... he took us up on our offer.

In this honest reporter's opinion, I don't think I'm relieved, in fact I'm worried cautiously optimistic...

The interview gets off to a good start

Honest Reporter: Thank you for taking the time to sit with us, Mr. President...

Joe Biden: Oh please, call me President Joey.

HR: Okay... President Joey...

JB: Have mercy.

HR: First off, your first days in office have been a roller coaster ride. You promised us that America would be different under you during your presidental run, that the class equality would suddenly resolve themselves. That immigration would suddenly become less of an issue, that America would become a more inclusive and cooperative place.

JB: I did say that and yes, I did do a few things such as rejoin the Paris Accords but most of what I said was just... you know, politics and stuff...

HR: You mean malarky?

JB: Malarky? I don't say Malarky! How dare you insist that I say malarky!

HR: I was just...

JB: Say I say malarky one more time and I will end you where you stand with my laser sword!

HR ...What???

JB: What country are you from?

HR: The United States?

JB: So you should understand what I'm saying?

HR: Okay, okay... Jeez!

We try to talk about the divide in America

HR: Obviously the state of America right now is tense... Political tensions are high, racial tensions are high, police brutality is at an all time high and it doesn't seem to be getting any better...

JB: I'm only one man! I don't have a magic wand; I'm not Harry Potter.

HR: But you do know that the class inequality is still an issue right?

JB: Yes, but...

HR: But Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Elon Musk and Tim Cook are still richer than most Americans.

JB: Exactly.

HR: My point being...

JB: Look, these people deserve the money so they can do their business. I get reputable press on The Washington Post, which says I am doing a good job!

HR: Because you suck up to Jeff Bezos.

JB: My patience is wearing thin, either you switch the topic or I will strike you down where you stand, with great vengeance and furious anger.

HR: ...What???

We try to talk to him about Donald Trump

Apparently Donald Trump was a creation of Russia, China, Bernie Sanders and KFC AOC.

HR: Uh... Donald John Trump... your predecessor... has done a lot of damage to American politics with his insistence that the election is rigged. Prior to that, he claimed that COVID didn't exist, that confederate monuments should still stand as lessons of history and that Russia was a valuable ally. Now I know you campaigned against him so heavily but what are you doing to repair that damage.

JB: Uh, Donald John Trump never existed. My predecessor was the wonderful Hillary Rodham Clinton.

HR: How do you explain those 4 prior years then...

JB: Russian misinformation.

HR: Pardon?

JB: It was all a Russian misinformation campaign to make us look bad.

HR: I know the Russians were behind Trump getting elected but...

JB: No, it was all a Russian misinformation campaign that people fell for. I don't even think Donald John Trump is a real person. That was clearly Gary Busey on The Apprentice.

HR: But you campaigned against him.

JB: Gary Busey???

HR: No, Trump.

JB: I was campaigning against Russia, Russia invented Trump to piss me and Obama off.

HR: I don't get where you're coming from...

JB: The point is, Russia made up Donald Trump and corroborated with China to make him look real...

HR: Is that why you're attacking China?

JB: Yes, because China made us look bad!

The interview turns into a disaster

JB: Look, you can lie to me all you want. But the point is that our capitalistic society was being threatened by China who was trying to destroy us with socalism and Bernie Sanders and AOC. Without capitalism America wouldn't be great. We need our billionaires to stay billionaires. We need people to pay for medicare, we need people to believe that corporations are Gods and if you believe in Donald Trump, then you might as well believe in Santie Claus.

HR: What the fuck are you talking about? Do you even know what you're talking about?

JB: I know what I'm talking about, I ain't talking politics, I'm talking reality!

HR: But this isn't reality!

JB: Neither is Survivor. Take a look outside, if Bernie Sanders had become president, then we'd be living in a Chinese communisocialist nightmare!

HR: Biden, I must object to what you're speaking. This is nonsense.

JB: No...

JB: You're nonsense.

(at this point, we see a strobe of light, followed by blood in the torso area)

HR: Ugh, why did you do that?

JB: Get the body out of here, and make sure The Washington Post writes up a good article about me. I need those approval points higher than 60 percent, dab nabit!