UnNews:U.S. military playing catch-up with dogs
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
26 March 2010
PILLORY, Michigan -- In a secluded training area at the Armys Fort Lumbagoe, secret war games are underway. Preliminary field testing of a new branch of Special Operations called the Rabid Badgers are in a game of catch up ball with Austria.
Last week the Austrians announced a branch of Special Forces, whose mission is to parachute large, fierce dogs into enemy territory to cause havoc. Major Hulmut Demitasse, commander of the paratrooper dog unit, announced the success of his soldiers during joint military exercises in Norway.
"These men and dogs have proven the effectiveness of a surprise canine strike," said the Major during a press conference in Norway. "They successfully completed their mission to capture a hill where the "enemy" had positioned artillery. They not only captured the position with no casualties, but successfully defended it from two attempts to retake it."
Not to be outdone by some shitty little European country, the Pentagon has been pushing DARPA, a black military think tank, to respond with oneupsmanship.
Scientists at DARPA have been working for nearly three years to train alternatives to dogs for combat use. "We especially wanted to find some native predator, an "American gladiator", so to speak, that would lend itself the task at hand, while being somehow controllable by handlers," said aide to Congressman Albertus Magnus of Tennessee (R), head of the House of Representatives Armed Services Committee.
"Badgers is what them smarty-britches come up with," said Lt. Gen. Hank Krupper, the Pentagon liaison to special operations services. "Can you just imagine being set on from the air by a couple or three of those things?"
Sources tell UnNews that the normally incorrigible mammal has been implanted with a chip that controls it's nervous system. They can be calmed or enraged with a mouse click on the controlling computer.
"We think that we could neutralize a small garrison with about 150 of the beasts, cranked up on full ferocious," continued the General. "Give them a little body armor, sharpen the teeth and claws, parachute them in, and you're good to go. Next morning, sent in a mortician squad for cleanup."
Meanwhile, other researchers at MIT are working with a form of radiation emitted by enraged and rabid badgers, called "badger waves". By amplifying a badgers signal, in much the same manner that light is amplified in a LASER, narrow beams can be focused on major organ systems of enemy troops, causing them to rapidly heat, then explode.
"We're still trying to determine if that use of combat badgers is a method of torture, and if so, should it be banned by the Geneva Convention," said Gen. Krupper. "I'm sure the lawyers will work that out."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Othello Groatsmart "We don't need no stinking badgers" Stars & Stripes, March 26, 2010