UnNews:Scientists Cite Cartoon Couple as Cause of Weird Marriage Pattern

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25 May 2007

Due to copyright issues with Hanna-Barbera, we were unable to show an image of the actual cartoon The Flintstones. However, these hired actors in costume help to further prove the researchers' findings, so screw HB.

By Ed Nivek

PRINCETON, New Jersey- Researchers at Princeton have identified the cause for a odd marriage pattern that has occurred in the entertainment industry over the past quarter century.

At a press conference held on May 24th, a group released their findings after ten years of research. These findings state that Fred and Wilma Flintstone, the famous cartoon couple, are responsible for a string of marriages between attractive female celebrities and not-so-attractive male celebrities. These marriages, according to the findings, began with one between Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley in 1984. Marriages also clumped into this category include the infamous Angelina Jolie-Billy Bob Thornton union, Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley, and Janet Jackson and Whatever Hisnamewas. The most recent case came with the 2003 marriage of talented (and attractive) jazz singer Diana Krall and talented (and not-so-attractive) British rocker Elvis Costello.

"What we find in these cases," Dr. Phillip Jackson, head of the team, stated, "is that the male is the one to instigate the relationships. They watch an episode of The Flintstones and notice the intimacy between Fred and Wilma. Upon viewing this, they immediately forget this is a cartoon and come to believe they actually have a chance with these women."

Why, then, are the males able to get away with this? Dr. Jackson and his team believe the reason isn't true love, as some have suggested, but pure persistence and endurance.

"Basically, the men hound the women to death. They keep ignoring the rejection and the obvious lack of match-making and continue to return, opining, singing songs, and, in general, being a nuisance. They think they're modern-day Cyrano de Bergeracs, only with a lot more money, a lot fewer scruples, and an even less realistic-looking nose. Gradually, however, the woman's immunodefenses are considerably weakened by stress and anger. As this happens, they become more susceptible emotionally and come to love the annoying man, eventually marrying him. Actually, it's somewhat similar to what occurs at the end of George Orwell's 1984...which is an appropriate analogy, since most of these celebrities can't do math anyway."

While "overtly British," Elvis Costello (seen here with Diana Krall) is not "overtly attractive." Once Krall regains sanity, it's believed Costello will get "No Action" from her ever again.

The doctor also explained why divorce times in these couples vary in different couples. As each woman has a different rate of immune system recovery, it may be a matter of months (as with Presley and Jackson) or many years (ten in the case of Joel and Brinkley) before a woman completely recovers. When they do, these women regain sanity and immediately dissolve these relationships, much to the man's dismay. This proves bad for the general public, for the male usually writes a bunch of sappy, depressing emo songs. These songs, according to a study by Duke University, usually drop the intelligence of the listener by twenty IQ points and lead to an increase in the suicide rate, mostly through quick, painless methods such as cyanide or getting hit by a train.

"People listen to Coldplay and Five for Fighting," said Dr. Jackson, "so they get suckered into these celebrities' 'pity parades.' They find, however, that it's not depressing music that's well-written. It's depressing music that's shallow and painful to hear. DOGS leap in front of cars when they hear it. Nobody deserves that kind of torture, ESPECIALLY from a whiny, recently-divorced star who was lucky to get any in the first place."

The pinpointing of The Flintstones for this trend has raised some controversy. Some critics have asked why the group concentrated on Fred and Wilma instead of The Honeymooners, the show off which the cartoon was based. Dr. Jackson has what he calls a simple explanation.

"There were only about thirty episodes of The Honeymooners filmed back in the 1950s. In comparison, The Flintstones ran for six seasons and has been in constant reruns. Therefore, it's been seen more. Also, the odds of a celebrity being inspired by a well-known, classic show that doesn't involve cartoons or seven idiots trapped on an island are slim."

These researchers suggest that the general public seek instructive classes to avoid the fallout from these types of celebrity relationships. However, they aren't sure if they will continue their studies beyond this to find preventitive measures for the couples themselves, as the relationships "bring much-needed laughter to the American public" and would "severely cripple the late-night shows."

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