UnNews:Russian emos "delighted"

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

28 March 2009

Hey there, good lookin'...oh, wait a second - you're a boy. Oppression? Well, what do you expect you miserable, spoiled little shit - you're wearing pink eyeshadow for fuck's sake! Seriously, wait till you've left school and have to get a job, then you'll have something to moan about!

MOSCOW, Russia -- The Russian government has just introduced new legislation to outlaw emo fashion and music, while also regulating websites that promote the youth movement, which has been attacked by critics who accuse it of promoting depression, self-harm and suicide. Ministers also claim the emo scene is a cause of anti-social behaviour, though the government has done little to stem the rise of violent far-right groups in the ex-Soviet nation.

"This emo scene is a real threat," says politician Boris Smirnoffvitchskieva. "Back when we were kids, pop music was all rock and roll and pretty girls and having a good time, da? But emo is not like that. Emo creates bad feelings amongst teenagersThey wear black eyeliner, paint their fingernails black and become miserable. Many of them kill themselves - if it is allowed to go on, we will have a shortage of workers and the nail varnish industry uses too many of the chemicals that we need for more the making of more important products such as vodka."

Popular (and rather tedious) emo band My Chemical Romance have slammed the prospective new law, claiming it denies Russian kids their right to free expression. "This is like something the Nazis would have said," lead singer Gerard Way told UnNews. "It, like, totally sucks for the kids overe there. Although I don't know what you're asking me for - we're not just some flash-in-the-pan bandwagon group, we're the real rock and roll deal, man." Meanwhile, a prominent British emo known as EyeBleed4U, creator of emo website spoiled.com says, "How can you ban a whole style of dress and music? Just because we're all individuals we get picked on. People see us all in our tight black jeans, stripy socks and ripped t-shirts and we stand out. The focus needs to be moved away from us and onto people like chavs - if Russia does this, who will they pick on next? This is not democratic. I'm going to cut my arms and post the pictures on my website in protest." Smirnoffvitchskieva countered, "We may no longer be a Soviet communist country, but since when were a democracy?"

However, despite the anger that the moves have created amongst fans in the West, Russian emos say that they are "delighted" and "overjoyed" by the law. "The reason we're into emo is that it forms an outlet for our teenage angst," said Russian blogger MyPainYourGain on another emo website, pretentiousramblings.com. "Most emos are the children of fairly well-to-do middle-class parents and really have little to complain about in their lives. Finally, we can truly claim to be oppressed." With this mind, several online emo groups are now setting up petitions in order to try to persuade the governments of the United Kingdom and USA to introduce similar laws.

Sources

• NADIA MENDOZA "Emo music to be made illegal?" The Sun, July 25, 2008