UnNews:Obama on financial overhaul: "About damn time!"
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
24 July 2010
WASHINGTON, DC -- President Obama signed the highly anticipated financial overhaul bill into law some two years after Wall Street (and then-President Bush) caused a financial crisis that brought the economy to a low it hadn't seen since the Great Depression. The recession has been the worst thing America has ever seen since Lindsay Lohan.
The Hawaiian-born President signed the bill Wednesday after much chatter and strong buzz... and that's just the bottles of Jack Daniel's he and members of Congress drank in celebration of this long-awaited victory. It is the biggest overhaul of the financial system since the Depression.
Obama called the bill, "the strongest consumer financial protection in history, and the greatest piece of text I have ever read since Twilight. It's just amazing, thought-provoking stuff."
In excerpts of Obama's remarks released by the White House and Def Jam Records, ahead of a signing ceremony, Obama praised the law's creation of a consumer protection bureau that will govern the banks in regards to credit card and mortgage lending, and prevent Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer from making any more godawful movies.
"These assholes -- people like Friedberg & Seltzer, Uwe Boll, and Michael Bay -- they keep stealing money from America's tax payers just so they can make these craptacular movies that nobody with half a brain is ever gonna pay eight bucks to see," the President said. "And it's hurting the economy. People can't buy their dream house when the money is being used to make Jaws 19. Money doesn't grow on trees -- well, technically, it does, since it's made of paper and paper comes from wood, and wood comes from trees -- Actually, now that I think about it, it is the tree until it's extracted from it... or something like that. It's on the tree, but it doesn't actually grow on it. Right? Anyway, what was I talking about again?"
He went on to say:
“These protections will be enforced by a baboon named Cletus that is infected with Ebola. Cletus will have two jobs: Looking out for people -- not big banks, not lenders, not investment houses. And the other job is to scratch its butt and make sure HD programming is in its original aspect ratio. That’s not just good for consumers; that’s good for the economy.”
To celebrate the occasion, it was announced that many movies and songs about money will be re-released to capitalize on the new law. Among them: Pink Floyd's "Money" (with music video featuring Mr. Krabs!), Mr. Krabs's own "If I Could Talk to Money," Puff Daddy (P. Diddy)'s "All About the Benjamins," ABBA's "Money, Money, Money," and the movies Dead Presidents, Heat, Wall Street, Blank Check, There Will Be Blood, various versions of A Christmas Carol, Trading Places, and Mad Money.
"I think it's a good time to be doing this," says Hollywood.com box office know-it-all Paul Dergarabedian. "It's good to sell out and cash in on the new law. Either way, it's about money."
Obama disagrees, calling the stunt "counterproductive. Cashing in defeats the whole purpose of the overhaul. Companies that threaten the economy will be liquidated. Period."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Kate Anderson Brower "Obama says Financial Overhaul Bill is strongest ever" Bloomberg, July 21, 2010
- Walter Rogers "Obama: "Don't give me that do-goody-good bullshit!"" Associated Press, July 22, 2010