UnNews:Iowa: Groundhog defeats Democrats, Republicans in surprising upset

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4 February 2016


"People are sick and tired of hearing about the damn mammals!"

IOWA -- Monday's Iowa Caucus resulted in a surprising victory. Donald Trump only made it to second place in the Republican vote, while Hillary Clinton narrowly beat Bernie Sanders on the Democratic side. Who beat Trump? Unbeknownst to the winner himself, Punxsutawney Phil of Groundhog Day fame (No, not Bill Murray!) emerged as the victor, picking up 99 percent of the Republican vote.

"I'm not even a Republican," says Phil. "Then again, neither is Trump. Trump's the best they could come up with?! Never heard of any of the other clowns, except for Tom Cruise (sic)."

Sanders said he was furious. "What the hell is going on here? A rodent should not be eligible to sit in the Oval Office. Our country's bad enough. The Number One and Two songs on Billboard are by the worst singer in music history. Kids today don't even know who the first President was! They barely know who the current President is. Eden xo flopped. "Cheyenne" by Jason Derulo flopped. The movie Transcendence flopped. Terminator Genisys flopped. We've got a clown running for President. I just stepped in dog shit. Our climate is changing. The Waltons are the richest family in America, and they don't pay their employees a living wage. And those bastards in Wall Street who caused the 2008 financial crisis aren't in prison. There hasn't been one Halloween movie this decade. David Bowie, Lemmy, Glen Frey, Alan Rickman, and Abe Vigoda all died. And now we've got a fucking groundhog as a front-runner? Oy vey."

The groundhog said the only issue he was concerned with was with climate change. "I don't know anything about politics or the economy, education, increasing minimum wage, or any of that," he said, "but I have a vision for fixing the climate. Bad weather, cold weather -- makes up 99 percent of the year, while nice, warm weather is only one percent. We must bring down the corruption and injustice of the shadows and the cold weather, and bring weather equality to one and all."

The furry rodent's victory could all change in the New Hamster, I mean New Hampshire, Primary. "Meh," he says. "I had no idea people remembered who I was. Usually, a protest vote would be Mickey Mouse or a dead guy. Those are the times, I guess. Kanye West says he's gonna run in 2020. I weep for humanity. And groundhog-ity."

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