UnNews:Election 2016: Meet the other candidates

Monday, November 7, 2016

The United States Presidential Election 2016 is Tuesday, meaning that this three-ring circus will finally be over, and Hillary Clinton will finally win.

In the meantime, take a look at the other candidates vying for residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue:

Candidates

Gary Johnson

Gary "What is Aleppo?" Johnson, who resembles the offspring of Larry Bird and Emilio Estevez (and perhaps a bit of Prince Charles), is a modern-day Dan "Potatoe" Quayle. He knows nothing of foreign nor domestic affairs. He's running as a Libertarian; not quite a Republican/conservative, not quite a Democrat/liberal. Do what the media does and pay no attention to this guy.

Jill Stein

Jill Stein is some hippie chick running for the Green Party. She is anti-vaccination and anti-climate change. She isn't getting much media coverage, but she's another woman seeking the office of President.

Count Dracula

"Despite being a blahd-sucking vampire, even the Vepublicans didn't vant me," says Count Dracula. "So instead, I am vunning for the Blahd Pahty."

The Count hopes to improve on Obamacare by encouraging more people to donate "blahd."

"Weird Al" Yankovic

Weird Al is running as a member of the Polka Party. One of his key issues is the enforcement of mandatory fun. The first thing he'll do if elected is make "Eat It" the National Anthem. Then he will record and release all of his Prince parodies.

Rover

Rover sleeps all day, barks at the mailman, chases cats, chases his own tail, pees in the house, fetches the paper (then pees on it), and sniffs butts and poop. That makes him far more qualified than any Republican since Ronald Reagan.

The Groundhog

The groundhog, legendary Punxatawney Phil of Groundhog Day fame (not to be confused with Bill Murray), is running for the Earth Party. His biggest concern is global warming and climate change. "I never thought I'd say this," he says, "but I miss seeing my fucking shadow. We must stop global warming, but not to the extent that we start another ice age. Or make another Ice Age movie. Seriously, DreamWorks, I don't wanna pay $8 to see another one of those movies. You should have stopped at the one with that Lou Rawls song."

Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus is running for the Party in the USA. She has not yet revealed where she stands on key issues.

Bobby McFerrin

McFerrin is simply running as an independent without a party. His issues and slogan are simply, "Don't worry, be happy," taken from his 1986 hit.

Frankenstein

Frankenstein's Monster, running for the Universal Party, would double the nation's employment, saying simply "Fire bad." This is in stark contrast to Trump, who's famous for the catchphrase "You're fired!" on TV's The Apprentice.

Bernie Sanders

Despite losing the Democratic nomination Bernie still has a chance.

Donald Trump

Please, do everyone in the world a favor. DO NOT VOTE FOR THIS GUY. Seriously. Racist. Homophobic. Xenophobic. Liar. Narcissist. Con. Scam artist. Misogynist. Rapist. Sexual assaulter. Thief. Megalomaniac. Crook. Egomaniac. Orange.

This man should be in jail. Charles Manson is more qualified for Pope than Trump president. There has never been a more dangerous candidate in the history of our country. Look it up.

In conclusion

This is who you need to be voting for on Tuesday.

Hillary. Rodham. Clinton. Except no substitutes. Bernie wants you to vote for Hillary. Alec Baldwin and Kate McKinnon want you to vote for Hillary. CNN wants you to vote for Hillary. George Bush 41 wants you to vote for Hillary. Hell, even Faux News wants you to vote for Hillary! UnNews wants you to vote for Hillary. I want you to vote for Hillary.

But don't just stop there; vote for as many Democrats in your state and district as you can. If you do this, then we can have a Democratic majority in the House and Senate (Congress), and Bernie Sanders will be chairman of the Senate Budget Committee. You'll be glad you did.

Vote smart.