UnNews:Hillary wins nomination, Bernie still has a chance

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Wednesday, July 27, 2016


A furious Bernie Sanders is not giving up on his White House dreams.

PHILADELPHIA -- Former First Lady, Senator, 2008 presidential candidate and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (D-NY) made history Tuesday by officially becoming the first woman to be nominated by a major party. But while defeated challenger Bernie Sanders (I-VT) appeared to support Clinton in the first two nights of the Democratic National Convention (and even asked the chair to give away the nomination to Clinton by acclimation), Bernie revealed shortly after Day Two that the whole thing was "a charade" and that he's still in the running for The White House.

"I'm not done yet," Sanders says. "I may have lost the primary, I may have lost the secondary, but I did spark a revolution and influence the Democratic Party's platform. I lit a fire under the asses of young voters who would otherwise watch stupid cat videos on YouTube on their expensive phones. I won almost half of the party's votes in the primary. I still got 1,894 votes from delegates and superdelegates. I still finished in second place, by [40.28] percent. [Not 67 percent; Sanders forgot to sum his and Hillary's votes - Ed.] I won a few states in the primary and secondary. But this is only the beginning! You felt The Bern! Now feel the Flames! AAAARRRGGGHHH!"

A small faction of Sanders supporters (dubbed #BernieorBust) refuse to give in to Clinton. These 'Busters staged a walkout after Clinton was officially named the nominee. They raided the news press tents and chanted anti-Hillary slogans.

When asked how he will stay in the race despite losing the nomination to Clinton, Sanders claims he'll run third-party. "It worked for Ross Per... Oh shit. I'm toast."

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