UnNews:Confusion in White House as nobody agrees on election winner
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
8 November 2008
WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA - in the aftermath of the brutal U.S. Presidential election, in which there were few survivors, nobody is sure who has actually won the race to become the 44th president. Of the six candidates on the bill, Barack Obama has remained in contention, but two shock candidates have staked a claim to the presidency, that we know of. Nobody knows exactly how their respective claims are legitimate, but one suggested reason has been bad reporting.
While ABC News was the first to announce a winner, Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) with 333 electoral votes, other sources were not so quick as to jump the gun. NBC News anchor Tom Brokaw announced that the President-elect was actually the late Thomas E. Dewey with 270 electoral votes versus Obama's 199 and Sen. John McCain (R-AZ)'s 176. But since Brokaw reported this on the morning of November 4 (before a single ballot was cast), many believe these results have no merit.
“It appears as though Thomas E. Dewey, despite the handicap of being dead, has somehow managed to win the election with 270 electoral votes. I guess that means we don't need to do any coverage tonight.”
And to further add to the confusion and chaos, it was widely reported by The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Oklahoman, CBS News, MTV, FOX News, and elsewhere, that the number of protest votes for Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck led to the surprise victory of a 38-year-old singing telegram vocalist named Michael Walter Mouse (C-MT) with no experience running for public office.
“After close examination and careful tallying, the votes have been counted, and the winner of the 2008 presidential election is... neither Barack Obama nor John McCain. Mickey Mouse, a longtime write-in candidate, has just inexplicably won this historic election. You might be saying to yourself, 'Wait a minute? But Mickey Mouse is a fictional character, and therefore, ineligible for presidency.' Not so.”
Meanwhile, trusted news source Mad Magazine has declared current President George W. Bush as the victor, being the first U.S. President to serve more than two terms since Franklin Roosevelt and the subsequent amendment to the Constitution, limiting a President's tenure to no more than two terms, or eight years. CNN's Larry King commented on his nightly cable talk-news show that some people actually believe the outrageous and blatantly satiric claims of the legendary humor magazine, and that even President Bush himself believes he won.
“What kind of moronic asshole does he think he is anyway?”
Since George Bush obviously can't serve a third term, as per the Constitution, Thank God!, the election offices of the United States have organized a plan to recount every vote to see who the real winner is.
“I hope this works out for the better, so that we can all get this issue solved immediately.”
The first person to draw at least 270 electoral votes from November 4, 2008 will be declared the President-elect. And then he will take office on Inauguration Day, January 20, 2009.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Jann S. Wenner "Dead guy defeats Obama in Election?" Rolling Stone, November 4, 2008
- Alex Johnson "Obama wins... Thank God! ...Or did he?" MSNBC, November 5, 2008
- Arnold Roberts "Be careful whom you vote for..." Washington Post, November 8, 2008