Template:UnNews lead
Template documentationBelow are the previews for each of the featured articles in the regional UnNews pages listed in {{UnNews portals}} (and UnNews:Washington). Edit them to change the article featured on each page!
Africa
NAIROBI, KENYA - With the election stuff now said and done, here at UnNews we are looking to the future, and the future shows that in 2025 leopards will have a GREAT feast. This election has been bad for a lot of people, basically half the country, but talking with the leopards we have seen that they are ELATED to see Trump finally back in control all this time. Us in America where UnNews is instated have sadly forgotten about the famine in Africa with the leopards, how they were hungry for four years when Sleepy Joe was in control, eugh, but now with Trump back things are finally looking back up for the patterned predators as they share their stories. We spoke with leader Larry "Roaring" Jawson.
Asia
SEOULFUL, SOUTH KOREA – A South Korean woman's main dish, half-cooked calamari, seems to have enjoyed the diner as much as she enjoyed it. During a posthumous orgasm, the marine organism ejaculated inside the startled woman's mouth.
Authorities are investigating the alleged sexual assault. They have conducted a lineup of suspects. Chefs and other restaurant employees are cooperating with police as authorities seek to determine whether the act was “consensual or forced.”
The insemination of the woman's oral cavity left her feeling a “prickling sensation,” the alleged victim claimed. “It felt as if something had penetrated my mouth.” She didn't swallow.
South America
BOGOTA, Colombia - It has recently been revealed that the gigantic brawl that recently broke out at a soccer game in Columbia was caused by a bitter argument amongst audience members over existentialism and solipsism and its relevance to modern society. The fight left 80 people wounded; 18 of them had brutal stab wounds.
Juan Johnon, one of the men who started the brawl, says, "There I was, enjoying a good game soccer...or European football...whatever. I was enjoying watching a bunch of men in shorts kicking a ball around. As I watched, I discussed existentialist principles with my best friend Jerry, as I always do during soccer games. That's when the trouble started."
North America
TALLAHASSEE, Florida — Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has signed sweeping new legislation intended to help seniors facing financial burdens: a new Florida law will now allow state residents aged 60 and up to hunt, dispatch and extract the skin and organs of young people under the age of 35. Seniors can choose to consume the collagen from the freshly pallid skin of slain zoomers, or harvest and sell their organs for a tidy profit.
"Florida seniors have suffered the burden of property taxes, liver spots, uncomfortable dialysis chairs, not to mention the increasing price of sunscreen!" DeSantis stated in a press conference inside the Florida State Capitol building, "By allowing our most respected elders to humanely kill and process the bodies of young people—which I don't need to remind you contains thousands of dollars in organs, essential oils and collagen—we can help alleviate the burden on the generation which has done the most to build this state, and this nation as a whole."
Europe
BUCKINGHAM PALACE - Her Majesty The Queen enraged many Brits and television viewers when she spoiled the ending to the popular Netflix series, no not that one, The Crown.
"Mummy is such a blabbermouth sometimes," says Prince Charles. "So was Dad when he spoiled the HBO Max Original Series The Prince. Luckily, I taught William and Harry better than that. So far, they haven't spoiled my other favorite Netflix program. I certainly hope nothing happens to Barb."
William and Harry tried their best to hide their worried faces. "Thanks a lot, ya bloody cunt!" tweeted outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson "While you're at it, could you please tell me who shot J.R.?"
Middle East
GAZA - U.S. President and real estate mogul Donald J. Trump has announced the opening of a luxurious beach resort, right by the crystal clear waters of the Levantine Sea: the Sierra Gaza. Run by Chief Hotelier Benjamin Netanyahu, the new Trump Sierra Gaza resort will feature 360km2 of golfing, hiking, sunning, shopping, bathing, paragliding, and some of the finest food this side of the Euphrates. An opening date has yet to be confirmed, but Trump hopes to finish construction by 2027.
Trump, answering an AP reporter, said: "I saw some hairy protesters just outside the South Lawn screaming, 'Free Gaza!', and I thought, for free? All that land? I thought it was too good to be true, and in many ways it was. It was a wreck! A total mess! I asked [Israeli Prime Minister] Bibi how it got to be that way, and he said he just found it like that."
Oceania
BERLIN - Ashley Hampton, 13, from Denver, Colorado is a huge fan of New Zealand pop singer Lorde. So she was ecstatic when her parents bought tickets to see her in Berlin of all places.
"I was going to Berlin anyway, for a business trip," says her father, Steve, 40.
When Ashley and her parents arrived at The Mercedes-Benz Arena, they were horrified to discover that none of the four men on stage wearing Orc costumes were the singer born Ella Marija Lani Yelich-O'Connor -- who is best known for such hits as "Royals," "Team," "Tennis Court," "Homemade Dynamite," and "Green Light."
Washington, D.C.
Recently, a disgusting stench has filled the White House to the unpleasant surprise of those that were working there. Joe Biden, current President of the United States, was sighted shitting himself an ungodly amount in the Oval Office.
Biden had allegedly been holding in his poo for 5 weeks due to boycotting the toilets in the White House. When asked by his aides to "please go to the bathroom and stop eating that garbage," Biden snapped back "YOU KNOW WHAT THE REAL GARBAGE IS? Those Skibidi Toilets everyone is harping about! I'm gonna keep boycotting them by not taking a deuce in any toilet." This comment would later upset the Skibidi Toilet community, pushing them towards the Republican vote.
Biden's insistence on holding in his poo led to the shitty disaster we witnessed in the last 72 hours; according to medical experts, his anal sphincter has stopped working properly, which is what has caused this quite unusual event to happen.