Southern California

Can't they see that I'm not crazy?

"SoCal" redirects here. For other uses, see Mexifornia.

Southern California, or SoCal for short, a.k.a. the Southland and La-La-Land, is home to twenty million souls in a "paradise" that's been paved and turned into a parking lot. The center of it all is Los Angeles, the emerald city under smoggy skies. Addicted to oil, crack cocaine and energy drinks, SoCal folk are as real (and fake) as all the snow to ever fall in L.A.'s civic center, ready to be toppled by a future 12.0 earthquake. This is where Hollywood is located, even though there is no economy left in the city except for CRBing (Cleaning, Raking, Blowing), which the city's ten million Hispanics survive on, with the money going to Mexico or Central America via carrier owl. About five or six (who's counting) counties compose SoCal: Los Angeles, Orange, Riverside, San Bernardino, San Diego and Ventura. The wave of long-distance commute riders can live in uber-pricey Santa Barbara, uber-wacky San Luis Obispo and uber-boring Kern counties (Bakersfield). There is so much to know about the region which should have been its own state, country, or planet in the first place, yet the whole universe needs this self-claimed "center of the universe" and, like a champagne supernova in the sky, the loss of SoCal would be a "loss". (Not really – New York City is worse, and the whole Eastern Seaboard is more important to the world.)

SoCal loathes Northern California (NoCal).

Cities and towns

The five largest are Los Angeles (the big orange), Long Beach (smell the rotten sewage-ridden sea), Anaheim (also not in correct order), Riverside (disturbia) and San Diego (a.k.a. whales vagina). Experts, driven to gambling, bet that in the 2020 census, Palm Springs will be in the top five list due to the wave of snowbirds, retirees and illegal aliens moving there. The entire area of SoCal is expected to fall into the sea during the "big one", a gigantic folk festival that upsets an already angry God because of something his girlfriend in Tustin said last week.

Southern California Sun needs his breakfast before his long-ass commute from the east to the west.

An Idiot's Guide to Southern California's communities of idiots.

Inland Empire, Cal.

Not only limited to the traffic-clogged hubs Riverside and San Bernardino, the I.E. (stands for Infinite Endlessness) region has fifty cities and towns worth mentioning and attention whoring for what it's known for. About Riverside city-county, San Bernardino city-county, and no state for them (LOL). They are ...

Riverside

Claiming to be the tenth largest city in California, Riverside has a "thriving" downtown, a university with an orange grove and a state-run school for the deaf with a kick-ass football team, the Bears (scream for them). The neighborhood you would not want to casually drive through would be "Casa Blanca". Its long history speaks for itself, with multiple killings happening within one square inch of land. What was the wealthiest city in America back in the Great Depression (1930s) is now boarded up, decrepit and "haunted" homes not for sale. Riverside is just as smoggy and dangerous like L.A. and ...

San Bernardino

Ten miles away is the center of the Inland Empire (less people though), but the gang symbol "the Arrowhead" will get painted over by the "mission tower" of Riverside. Once the All-American city in the 1980s, San Bernardino went downhill to become one of America's most gang-filled/drug-infested/crime-ridden urban areas by 1992, and even had a racial back riot when South L.A. had theirs. It's diverse: 60–70% black, 60–70% Latino and hardly any white folk left, except on the ridgeline by the Cal State University San Bernardino, near the Patton state hospital for the very insane, and the Hyundai Blockbuster pavillion where a few hip-hop or rock concerts take place.

Chino Hills

Founded in 1992, the town gained national headlines for having the 2008 earthquake (registered 5.4, a moderate one) that caused some minor damage. The town has a lot of Blacks, Chinese, Mexicans and Jews, so no wonder the Aryan Low Riders can't stand it. A labor camp "Boys-town" is built on what was once part of the state prison system. The older town of Chino is a real hot ghetto mess, and be aware of the Basque people, they speak a weird language and like to raise sheep.

Corona

The largest dwarf/midget community in America. Say "hi" to the little people for me, will ya? The city hall buried like fifteen time capsules, and must take a long time to find only one. The I-15/ State route 91 interchange is congested all the time, worsening at the now converted State route 71 freeway. There's a huge concrete mural (Prado about to crack Dam) celebrating the bicentennial. Happy Birthday America! Lady Liberty sues Uncle Sam for paternity claims.

Colton

A part of the "rust belt" known for closed down factories, emptied out mines, ghost town store fronts and a railroad yard where no trains can be found. Founded by Mormons in the 1960s, the city no longer has a reputation as a place with a moral foundation. They cheer on the Inland Empire 66'ers (or 666s/69ers) minor league ball club, and have a beef with the High Desert Mavericks of the middle of nowhere Adelanto stadium (next to Victorville federal prison).

Fontana

Birthplace of the Hell's Angels biker gang. Also home to former KKK wizard/presidential candidate David Duke. The NASCAR California Speedway 500 brings fun and excitement, where a steel mill used to be before it was shipped to China in the early 1990s. Once known as "Fontucky" (a.k.a. Kentuckistan) for its white trash cultured orientation, it had a little Mexico, a Japantown and a whole lot of black folk. The Kaiser steel mill days brought in Germans, Greeks, Irish, Italians, Poles and Swedes into the mix. Kaiser hospital is full of illegal immigrant mothers in maternity wards.

Hemet

Also known as "Hermit" known for antisocials, retired seniors in mobile home parks everywhere. They are PROUD to have a Wal-mart, a Home Depot and a Food-4-Less, to show what's wrong with them people. The Ramona Bowl pageant is held every June in an ugly pile of rocks, it features Injuns and Mexicans in a lovelah melodrama. The Inland Empire's only TV station KZSW channel 27 is on its way to go bankrupt ... and off the air. Hemet can't live like this forever.

Highland

Hey, wanna get high? The town's namesake says it. There's a new airport and the runway seems to point in the wrong directions to mountains and downtown SB. Good luck and bon voyage, suckers. It is the town's name found in the MTV animated series Beavis and Butt-head but I thought the creator Mike Judge was from Texas. It used to look really beautiful when it had orange and other citrus groves, but people don't eat them anymore.

Lake Arrowhead

The "mountains" north of San Bernardino serve as a summer home (or holiday home) for the rich white retired right-wing Republican racist whites, and watch them go aflame every summer by the mountain wildfires. The emergency shelters open up in Del Rosa or wherever the black people and Mexicans live, so just make yourselves at home until the fires are over. Go run to the nearest Jensen's finest foods market to loot for emergency supplies, but rich old white Italian Jews don't do that, they rather do their middleman work to cut costs.

Lake Big Bear City

Big Bear Lake is known for ski resorts (and accidents), a "fake" lake but not as gated/restricted like Arrowhead (spring water source with a hose-like taste), and check out the Solar observatory. (You can see the Sun with your naked eye on it.) Prepare for some altitude sickness. Earthquakes are frequently common ever since June 1992, therefore the lake resort community will asplode into a gigantic volcanic caldera at any time now.

Lake Elsinore

A nearly dried-up lake after drowning half the original town site. Also a bunch of UFO-buffs live here, 100 reincarnated people from Clarksburg of the Civil war era was on the "Sightings" TV show, the Lake monster which turned out to be a shark dumped in by someone, and other weird shit goes on here. Near Lake Elsinore is a small retirement community known as Canyon Lake (or Full o' Fakes), nowadays it's "full of kikes". Rednecks gather in every home game of the minor league Lake Elsinore Storm in the Rubic Diamond stadium.

Loma Linda

Saturday Adventurers run this town like a theocratic police state. No bars, clubs, tobacco sales, fast food restaurants and anything fun to do. Loma Linda has the Anderson University for SDAs and veterans' hospital. North of the I-10 is another Loma Linda, but without the nice, clean, family-oriented life (it's a freakin' ghetto). They got a TV network of their own, 3ABN to make TBN look like FOX.

Menifee

Meet one of the newest cities (and has the most old people) in Southern Cal. Menifee is full of homes, but also lakes like the nearby Diamond Valley reservoir, golf clubs, parks, fields and ranches to make you feel like things are still good in the IE. But the first Sun City development for anyone age 55 and better by Del Webb back in 1961 is in Menifee when it was a desert bypassed by US 395 to become I-15 to yet become I-215.

Moreno Valley

The city grew overnight like a bunch of weeds. Once a hotbed of white yuppie commuters in the 80s, now a foreclosed housing tract filled up to the seams with gangbangers, convict felons, welfare receipents, illegal aliens and over 35% of the people are black. A closed down air base, a former speedway turned into a mall full of glass ceilings (nobody shops there) and a new freeway torn down a small town to awake the dead in the Arnold National cemetery.

Montclair

A town came up with "Montclair" in 1956 to designate itself from Claremont across the L.A. county line, and "Monte Vista" was already taken anyway. Montclair has a gang made up of Samoans who think they are "black" and all bad, they have a beef with another tribal gang who are Apache Indians "off the rez" and act more "ghetto". The Montclair mall is dead, head over to the auto malls (also dead) ... and the whole town is dead.

Murrieta

A hidden cold-war-era nuclear missile installation. Also home to Tour-de-France winner-stripped-of-title Floyd Landis. The town is now full of black people too, no wonder there's neo-Nazi gang activity. It gets even wilder in Wildomar to the north, now turned to a full-fledged city. The rancho Murrieta was named after Joaquin Murrieta, the 1850s-era Mexican bandit fighting the gringos taken over his peoples' land (Californios or "Chicanos") by thinking he's a Hispanic-Latino Robin Hood, although he's of Chilean and Cherokee Indian descent.

Norco, a.k.a. Narco

It's full of meth labs and addicts. "Lake" Norconium is a toxic waste site after the US Navy installation was turned into a warehouse for that crap. You should drive up to Hidden Valley golf club to find Tiger Woods and OJ Simpson playing golf together. Lots of horse ranches and a glue-making factory. In recent years, Koreans and other Orientals moved in town to make it like funky Chinatown, probably due to the La Sierra University over the hill and what was once Sherman Indian School (not a black college though).

Ontario

Now home to 200,000 people, to make it the second-largest city in the IE. It has the LA–Ontario airport and surrounding the runways are ... OMG, high-paid white collar mega corporate offices! So many of them are German or European being along a stretch of I-10, some locals called "the autobahn". South of Mission Boulevard is the Barrio Mexicano, where nearly everyone, everything and every signage is Spanish or Mexican.

Perris

Nothing historical about downtown Perris, which is a huge barrio and Mexicans claimed they founded this railroad shaft town gulch. Viva la Raza, asi. D Street is the shit, even J street is worse. Metrolink opened a new waiting area for locals to be late for work. On perris hill is a little quaint fire station and a few lakes by the 19th-century-style courthouse. Perris is well known for parachute skydivers' ground, and watch them fall into their deaths.

Rancho Cucamonga

As seen in the blacktion movie Next Friday, the whole town has been taken over by L.A. ghetto dwellers. Their minor league baseball team is built on an earthquake fault, the team's name are the "Quakes". be there when it happens. It was known as "Cucamonga" on radio shows, movies and newspaper stories, now it's not a farm town ... and the Victorian Gardens Mall don't count.

Redlands

Christian fundamentalist paradise, home to a Baptist University of Redlands (where all the frat parties are striaght edge), and said to boost the IE's highest annual average household income ($76,000). That's chunk change, you redneck hicks. Now let's head east to Oak Glen for some apple picking (and pumpkin picking too, if you get my joke) and try some cider.

Rialto

Named for a hotel now abandoned and turned into welfare-recipient apartments. Rialto Avenue is known for gangs and Riverside Drive is known for meth labs. Isn't it living in Rialto great or what? The majority of residents are low-income, therefore it's welfare city or more like the Vice City/San Andreas/Liberty City scenario right out of the Grand Theft Auto video game series.

Ruibidoux

Known as "Rubes" or "Ruby-throated", the unincorporated town between Riverside, San Bernardino and the Ontario airport, it's full of beat-up trailer parks and poisoned land where the ground water is very contaminated. NASA used to have a test base there; note the streets in Mira Loma are named after planets, stars and constellations, and Eastvale is a new cookie-cutter suburb to carve out the last reserve of agriculture left in the IE.

San Jacinto

The headquarters to the World Church of Scientology. Beware of freaks, nuts and wack-jobs. The San Jacinto mountains is another place for them to hide out, and worship their demonic god in peace. Horrible downtown, and don't stop in Fosters' GREASE for burgers or ice cream (I think the building closed down, was owned by Chinese or Vietnamese people).

Temecula

More than 150,000 new residents made it their home, usually L.A., O.C. and San Diego homeowners who were pushed here decades ago. A pseudo-western community, Rancho California covers the rural/ neo-suburban countryside and hailed a home to (fake) cowboys and Indians (wannabes), and lots of wineries all around you, they call it "wine country" full of drunkards here to "taste" the wines.

Upland

What goes up, must come down. Upland is where Claremont college students and Pomona cholos go to score some weed, crack or dope. The drug sellers live in the "Heights" or Mount San Antonio in those weird-looking circular streets. Man, what a trip to drive. Upland is next to Ontario, the city named for a Canadian province that should be renamed "Nuevo Oaxaca" for having so many Mexicans.

V(B)anning and V(B)eaumont

The twin barrios (or bro towns) have been turned upside down, and much of the cherry trees are gone (all you see are home tracts). The only things worth seeing is the Casino Morongo and the Desert Hills Factory Outlet Mall in the Indian reservation town of Cabazon. Hey, look at the dinosaur statues featured in the 1980s Pee Wee Herman's Adventure film. "Heard of any good jokes lately? HAHAHA."

Victorville

Fastest growing area of serum in Southern California, located in the "High" desert. Now home to over 500,000 people from A El Barrio (Adelanto) to the seedy truck stop of Barstow, to CrApple Valley to Hysteria (er, Hesperia). You understand why the homes are so cheap. No jobs, shopping mall, downtowns even, college is 100 miles away and work is way down to L.A., it makes you think "WTF"?

Yucaipa/Calimesa

YUCKY-town, because the air pollution makes it feel yucky. Once a rural farming community, then became one full of angst-ridden angst-driving angst-feeling yuppies and now it's a bunch of vacant homes all over the place. Yucaipa sucks, Calimesa is worse. There used to be a thriving Native American community, a ranchera they call it, before the white people stole their land like always.

Yucca Valley

The very last on the list, feels like Montana or Texas. Full of gun-toting white men holding their rifles and their bibles. Militia nut country, because it's the most white community in Southern Cal. UFO buffs hang out in the integratron facility build by a "contactee" George van Tassel from blueprints by his "Venusian" friend in the 1970s. He was murdered in a home robbery by someone who thought he's a nut.

29 Palms

Nearby is the Twentynine Palms marine corps base, full of war-rattled nerves and ultra-patriotic fervor. There's a small Indian land was the set of the movie "29 palms" in front of Joshua Tree National Park; that town is full of hippies, nature lovers, hikers, rock climbers and a bunch of West LA/Hollywood new-age freaks.

Cropdusting with herbicides helps oranges destined for Agent Orange grow strong and juicy.

Greater Los Angeles Area

Anaheim

Anaheim a.k.a. Snatchaheim, has a bunch of hardasses, wannabees, and pussies ... home to Disneyland, the "gayest place on earth", 187 on Snatchaheim. GO ANGELS 2002 world series champs and GO DUCKS 2007 Stanley cup champs. The House of Blues is where OC's elite of cougars, hipsters, aging bachelors and yuppies go to get hammered. The Anaheim Convention Center is for nerds to have their so-called conventions. And yea, the Hills, that is. The Hills planned to secede from the oppressor city, and the motto "If you don't secede, try try try TRY again ... FAIL."

Santa Ana

Orange County's largest, oldest and the worstplace ever ... it has an actual downtown of office buildings full of vagrants camping out in tents everywhere, and pregnant Mexicans crossing the street like cattle being herded. Yes, people work in the OC but commute day in and day out from twice or thrice the distance from L.A. Also Santa Ana is about 90% Hispanic, even declared itself a sanctuary city for the undocumented day laborers (and ones that live off the system by having kids out of wedlock and spending the day wandering around aimlessly finding places that accept EBT). Santa Ana is the hometown of actress and former Miss Orange County Michelle Pfieffer Hey Blondie, tu este cula cochina gringa.

Downey

A city named after Robert Downey Jr. It has a mall that smells like piss a.k.a. Stonerwood Center. The Rives mansion is also present ... well it's made out of paper mache to make people think this shithole has history. Contrary to popular belief it doesn't smell like Downy™.

It also features two zoos – Downey and Warren High Schools.

Costa Mesa

Costa Mesa a.k.a. Costa Mexico ... Home to a huge-ass shopping mall (they call it "South Coast Plaza"), the former Virgin megastore and a freeway torn down a former thriving community. Orange Coast College is filled with nerds, jocks, goths and mad geniuses, plus the legacy of Orange County's rural past in a county fair every Sep. The traditionally local farmers, ranchers and fishermen of Costa Mesa are hardly around now, they are taken over by the "nouveau riche" who not only never work, but increased the home values a hundred times over.

City of Orange

"Orange" a city filled w/ a thriving vintage downtown circle, literally!. A multi-story mall by the name is abandoned, sits by the five-road interchange: a traffic hell you must beware of. Tustin Avenue is a suburban strip mall of all sorts: note the Arabic and Iranian script in the Mall of Orange (avoid there at all costs). The fancy, smancy, preppie, yuppie Downtown plaza is where not to be seen, believe me. Go over to the last Norm's restaurant for cheap eats (good O.J. named for their biggest customer O.J. Simpson), too bad all the nice orange groves were torn down.

Villa Park, El Modena, Orange Park Acres and Foothill

Four or five little "hoods" call themselves cities (LoL). Villa Park is a police state, all gated and protected from the ruffians in El Modena, home to a gang-filled high school "integrated" by bringing in busloads of preppies to attend there. Orange Park Acres used to have horse ranches, unspoiled scenic hill views and a nice creek to hike or fish in (not anymore). The so-called Foothill (Fetish) subdivision is from a rap music video: "How we be Livin' fo".

Cypress, La Palma, Los Alamitos, and Artesia

Same "hood" logic of a square-mile pedestrain community applies. Cypress (er, "Cyprus") is named for all those Greeks, Turks, Armenians, Italians and Bosnians who made this into a part of the Balkans. La Palma and Los Alamitos are former "Dairyland" communities and closed-down aerospace factories, just a bunch of Spanish colonial homes to house Spanish-speaking inhabitants, part of the "Reconquista Mexicana" in process. Artesia is "Little India" where you see Hindus, Pakis and Bengalis all over the place, but no 7-11s and Dunkin' Donuts found.

Buena Park

Buena Park a.k.a. Butt Pickers Knott's Berry farm theme park, where high school dropouts find work dressed as Snoopy or Charlie Brown (a two-time loser) and has better rides plus lower ticket admission rates than Disneyland. Drive down Beach (prounounced as "Bitch") Boulevard, check out Ripley's Believe it or Not, No Shit O RLY? wax museum (one flick of a match away) and the Medieval Times "dine in-live entertainment-tune out" pizza place, but they should add GWAR and will be family-oriented alright. Koreans and Filipinos bought everything in town, no one really speaks English there anymore.

Fullerton

Fullerton a.k.a. Fullofshit. Home to Cal State. Univ. Fullerton campus, has a kick-ass college baseball team, but sucks in other sports. Fullerton is the home town of rock star goddess Gwen Stefani and the city oughta turn her childhood home into a fan shrine. Fullerton Municipal Airport is surrounded by radio station towers: KFI had theirs taken down twice by crashed Cessna 150s. To the north are Brea (or "Shit", known for its oil-poisioned hills) and La Habra (The Octo-Mom lives there, but please leave her alone.)

Placentia

Placentia a.k.a. Plachentia Currently under invasion of "Mongol" hordes of Chinamen, the Mexican army made up of 100,000 people who want to be gardeners and fast food workers and Persians with togas (the women in veils) just like the movie "300". Not to be confused with a woman's bunch of crap in her uterus to feed the "unborn". Plachenita, in Spanish is translated as "the place that sucks".

Whittier

Actually in L.A. county, "Quaker" sits close enough to be like the "O.C.", the nickname is the "Earthquaking city". Great place to buy homes in a city crossed by hundreds of blind thrust fault lines. Home prices are rocking and rolling. Quaker is Spanish for "Castizo" the whitest a Mexican Indian can get. Any remember 1987? Now, that was a 5.9. and Whittier is where the Quakers attempted (unsuccessfully) to reach the Moon.

La Habra

Home to a large transie (transgender/transsexual) community, due to a large sex-change operation clinic based there.

La Mirada

Same goes to La Mirada (Spanish for "Shit") or "Ra Miulanda", where the Taiwanese are buying homes. Is capitalism great? Too bad that used to be OUR jobs, outsourcing is the way to go. The La Mirada Toys-R-us is a lead contaminated site now.

Hawaiian Gardens

Also known as the "big H.G." was named for the Orientals, Samoans and other big brown people to make this kinda like Hawaii. However it hasn't appealed to gay people like the actual state. Hawaiian Gardens Casino, the only legal gambling spot in Hawaiian Gardens, is equipped with fold out chairs and tables, and Vietnamese people, ready with Phở to play Pai-Gow. Has the biggest gang raid in America, much bragging rights to Artesia up there, ese.

Artesia

One square mile! How can the Hindus (the other are Pakis without the dots), Chinese Hawaiian-Cherokee Indians, Dutchmen, Portugese and Mexican-like peoples live like this? It is called Diversity: it works for Jews. Bring back the KKK (Kerritos Kity Kouncil), since Cerritos should take it over by now.

Yorba Linda

Proudly famous for being the hometown, birthplace and burial site of the former US President Richard M. Nixon, a.k.a. "Tricky Dick". It was founded by Don Bernado Yorba (rhymes with Yerba ... weed, man) and his family during the Spainish missionary constructions. Once resided by the Quakers in his heyday and somewhere near the El Camino Route, it's been a suburban city for a long time. Take a look at Uptown Yorba Linda, Downtown Yorba Linda, and all of its beautiful places (and chicks of the blonde Aryan white races ... hey, it rhymes).

Tustin

Once called "Tustucky" for being a huge colony of Rednecks, White trash and Blue collar types, it evolved into yet another suburban edge-city for Los Angeles escapees. No more ranches, oil fields, a large heliport that can't be converted to any reclaimed land use, the god-awful tacky oversized/priced/"black" Market Place and any bit of countryside left. Don't forget to stop by at the Santa Ana Zoo, where you can view an exhibit of indigenous wildlife to save "it" from extinction.

Garden Grove

"Garbage Grove" to most locals, has been a nightmare for (used to be) die-hard racial segregationists after the desegregation of public schools, real estate tracts and business centers in the 1960s. Once 90% white, then they were nice enough to allow a few Black people, Vietnamese war refugees, Hispanic immigrants, Arab businessmen and even Jews in city council (once known to have KKK members). Not to worry, there is fun stuff to see here, like the glass-ceiling Crystal Cathedral. Enjoy the former capital of "disturbia" post-war suburbia (now went to Moreno Valley ... uh wait, that's in Simi Valley, oh fuck it). Has a song about it by Sublime, pretty much explains everything.

What the area's beaches feel like. Both Huntington and Newport beaches are literally human sewage cesspools.

Westminster

Westminister a.k.a. Westmierda ... Nothing to see here, go along like you don't notice. Fountain Valley to the east, a friggin' toilet if you ask me. Seal Beach to the west: pasteurized, homogenized, mundane, corporate, Americana. Westminster Mall (ching chong chang) is basically a new Chinatown: full of nail salons, laundromats and housepet meat takeout.

Huntington Beach

Also known as “Trumpington Beach” The Place to Be ... surfers, swimmers, beach bums, homeless on the benches, drunken hazing frat boys, slutty sunbathing valley girls, dead sharks wash up (thanks to open sewers) and Tin can litter, gives the local reputation as "Tin can beach". Note that Bayside High school of Saved by the Bell allegedly in Huntington Beach.

Seal Beach

Kinda like Huntington Beach – a pier and Ruby's – but more boogyboarders, less surfers, and green water. No wonder the seals are always washing ashore ... to rot in the sun and die. When you walk on the promenande, be aware of a few escaped state asylum patients ranting, painting pictures and banging on trash bins.

Newport Beach

The O.C. is filmed on "location" here. An even better beach, millionaires everywhere. Posh, elegance, luxury and overrated. Balboa Island is crawling with yachts, it makes you wanna sing that 1980 one-hit wonder song "Sailing" by Chris Cross. Stop by the huge Newport center mall, build on a former landfill facing a stinky swamp of Newport Bay. Oh yea for rich white folks: Dennis Rodman has a home there, so does Oprah, Will Smith and other "uppity niggers".

Irvine

The stereotypical heart (brain fart) of Southern California or "Socal": Universities, Airports, Megamalls, Private Academies, Feng Shui, Acupuncture clinics, High-tech firms, Chinese-based companies, First Japanese car auto malls and "Fun" things like the Irvine Meadows ampitheatre for "moshing", Wild Rivers for "peeing" in wave pools and the Little Safari to see if the lions like to be petted. Back in 1971 only about a thousand farmers lived in a newly incorporated "town" to become home to more than 200,000 in this sprawling sixty-square-mile suburb of single-family homes that managers can't afford. Will Ferrell grew up here, attended University High School in Irvine, and he did not have Ms. DeBay for a teacher.

Mission viejo

A master-planned travesty of all sorts of a community. Named for a mission to the south in San Juan Capristrano, it's not old or "viejo" as it seems. O.J. Simpson's bronco was originally intended there (what the hell for?), but made a U-turn on the I-405 to his Mom's house in Baldwin Hills. Why is it the homes are so blend, soulless and cookie-cutter types? Suburbia, go figure.

Laguna Niguel

Laguna Niguel a.k.a. Leva Niguel ... It has a large federal building (check out the Homeland security agents). Nearby is the snobbery known as Laguna Beach ... so famous, it has an uncyclopediac article of its own. In Spanish, it means "Black bodies in a lagoon", but NO ONE is welcome to live here ... too many people moving in. at least one race is welcome here in large numbers. L'chayim.

Lake Forest

Lake Forest a.k.a. Wack Forest (or fake bores) ... it has a lot of fuckin white washes and Used to have a naval air station (the El Toro), a speedway and even a monastery: now it's all houses, three freeways and shopping malls. I don't see a forest nor a lake around here. Five miles north is Modjeska, watch out for violent anti-social hippies in the Santiago Mountains.

Laguna Hills

A gigantic cemetery of old people known as "Leisure world Laguna Woods" (spearate city, same shit). Smell the old people rot in the air. Also home of the Saddleback Church, a megachurch ran by televangelist hothead Rick Warren, who holds a grudge against the Westboro Baptists under his archnemesis Fred Phelps. The battle of Armageddon has just begun.

Aliso Viejo

A new city. Never heard of them before. I thought they don't want to incorporate so they won't pay any "city" taxes. Has a Japanese college (the Soka University of America), mascot: the "Anime Tigel-Rions" and the "Sairon Moon Univelse" cheerleaders (see Asian chicks). Once a holding ground for Japanese AMERICANs during WWII, these crafty "Japs" (not to be confused with Asians) and another ethnic group living there, Armenians gipped us again.

Rancho Santa Margarita

Another new city. Wasting my way again in "Margaritaville". Formerly the Trabuco (i.e. "Marijuana") and Silverado (i.e. "Hidden Japanese soldiers") canyons, it's now a home to soccer moms, high school girls, emos and yuppies alike any typical American-Californian "dream". Then there is Coto de Caza: a gated psuedo-ranch(o) community to make Robert Redford proud, maybe he has a home there. One rule: No women members may apply on the golf course ... and no Jews allowed.

Dana Point

What's the point of this subsection? The street names are from Lanterns in a "rainbow scheme", known to attracted Gay couples en masse to this beach resort town. A partying atmosphere, you may well have a cruise ship slam on Dana Point, thanks to a drunken capitan and watch the oil pour out, the seals or sea lions will thank you.

San Juan Capistrano

Everytime it rains, the ground moves and watch the homes sink or slide down Interstate 5 or the "Transportation Corridors". But at least, the smart swallows know when to appear and leave the mission's bells on cue. They leave enough bird poo, the mission tradition since 1787 continues. Also home to an Indian tribe wants to "get back" the closed down El Toro USMC air base, either make it an airport or a casino or a "Great park". But a Central Park-style feature will be full of bums, muggers & litter.

San Clemente

Watch the city "glow" whenever the San Onofre nuclear power plant acts up. It may burn a hole in the earth's core and soon, you'll know the meaning of the "China syndrome". Note the huge "refugee" camps of Chinese in the nearby Camp Pendelton, therefore the invasion has begun. THE REDS CHINESE ARE COMING! THE REDS CHINESE ARE COMING! Orange County gets screwed.

The crack in the Taco Bell is an iconic symbol of Mexicans in San Diego.

San Diego area

• North Park: The ghetto, but taken over by gay white dudes.
• Hillcrest: Full of drunken sailors, shell-shocked marines and one time in 1991, a tank was driving on its streets.
• San Carlos: Where America's first known school shooting took place in 1980, by a crazed out teen girl. She inspired a few crazy boys to perform their own school shooting massacres ever since.
• San Ysidro: World's busiest international border checkpoint, it has the Mall of Americas in tax-free TJ down the street.
• Otay Mesa: Site of McDonald's shooting in July 1984, by an angry black man towards 24 Mexicans. Ray Kroc's grave was spinning until his fabled Padres went to (lose) the world series that year. whores and a good chance of getting murdered. OTAY!
• Mira Mesa: Too many Jews, A-rabes, I-talians, Filipinos and other ethnics moved there. Once an all-American patriotic hub for the US Naval base soon-to-be-an airport. So much for white Christian striaght males in uniform got laid off. OY VEY!
• Logan Heights: The newly lined US-Mexican border as of 2000, except gentrification ethnically cleansed the former barrio and the Chicano Park mural art facility has closed as of 2009.

San Diego's two sources of income. Sorry beach goers, this is only a military exercise!

Other cities and communities

About twenty cities, towns and hoods comprise San Diego county. Note: Imperial Beach isn't listed, it's too close to Tijuana, Mexico. And oh, Imperial Valley to the east? It has more Mexicans than San Diego does, thanks to our twenty-foot-high border fence.

Los Osos

OOPS! Did you mean San Luis Obispo? LOLZ. Might well be near Tijuana. A small town of complaining old people and weed-smoking teenagers. Normal activities of locals are complaining about the lack of a sewer, stealing bike innertubes from Rite Aid and getting caught, smoking pot, and buying pot. Due to the level of crime, law enforcement is made up of 33.33% DARE officer, 33.33% Officer Maiz, and 33.33% police dog named Rover. Despite the town being called "Valley of the Bears", no bear has been seen in Los Osos for centuries. This was probably caused by a massive bear extermination facilitated by Spanish explorers during the second Spano-Bear War during the 18th century. This can be verified by a large mural behind a gas station depicting a bear getting shot in the face with a plasma rifle by a Spanish explorer.

El Cajon

Alcoholic-town, next to La Mesa: the Meth-lab. It has Grossmont College, where I can't give out the description of what goes on there, because it's gross. Sycuan Casino PWNed Barona, Pechanga, Pala and ten other imitation Indian gaming casinos.

Lemon Grove

No lemon trees, but has a sourpus aroma. San Diego mayor-turned Cal. governor Pete Wilson lived there. Once a hub of racists and the KKK, it now boasts of pride when the freeway was named for Martin Luther King Jr. Oddly, it was a town settled by Confederate veterans retired to live under the Southern California Sun in the late 19th century.

Clairemont

Despite the French name, this is the worst place ever in the history of the world, inhabited by all Mexicans. It is the barrio of San Diego and is hot and sticky. Like Mira Mesa, it attempts to secede from the city to become its own "community". LOL.

Coronado

Home of a futuristic laser military base surrounded by a large flooded slum, used for target practice. From a photo satellite, you can find an US Navy building shaped like a swastika! Nazis! They are planning an attack on Israel, Iran, India, China, Mexico or Kenya (say "hi" to Obama's half-bro for us).

Chula Vista

Sailors and zoot suiters. To the east of the Inland freeway is a whole new community, Rancho de la Rincon or Nacion (as in Aztlan) or Incarceration. The US Olympic training center is where you can find road rage, doped-up American athletes, and the whole Mexican track-and-field team after they ran up north.

(Inter)National City

Capital of Mexico in the way it's going to be. Lately, a few rich white kids began to buy up everything and changed the character of this "shit-city". The San Diego Bay Sweetwater Wetlands preserve is full of frogs and mosquitos, with the west nile virus and H1N1 virus coming in ... let's go out and play with the marsh snakes.

Escondido

Once a small town turned into a yuppie bedroom community now an overgrown suburban sprawl shithole full of gangs, bums and abandoned buildings. To the east is San Diego Wild Animal Park, where you see animals do the "wild thing" since it's mating season. And to the south is Lake Hodges where nearly all the water is gone, thanks to prolonged drought conditions.

Oceanside

Military school, Norman Rockwell town of US flags everywhere. Anyone want to live on a residential street Vista Way, where the state route 78 freeway ends? A few idiot drivers still think it's a 85-MPH highway. YIKES! The route 76 freeway is worse. Some bean-count demographers said North Oceanside, formerly San Luis rey, has one of the state's most Jews per capita of population ... kikes!

Carlsbad

It's beach has a god-awful factory by a lagoon, must be dumping sewage. It's claim to fame is Legotown America, and the colony was founded by a few Germans, Danes and Dutch; the name "Carlsbad" is whale's butthole in German.

Vista

A feisty, seista place. "The Other Vista, but Cholo Vista". It is the home to Leisure World Ocean Hills Village's 100,000 senior citizens. What a wonderful place to retire and die in peace. They are often attending the Lawrence Welk corpse's orchestra events.

San Marcos

Countryside village turned college town turned inner city. Stoners are the main residents in town, gotta go find some bud, dope or weed. The Cal. State Univ. San Marcos Cougars vs. the Palomar College Juniors sounds like a real bad idea for a college sports game.

Del Mar

Rich old men own (and hump) their horses here. Horse races are what made Del Mar, the city-by-the-sea a really horseshit place. To the east is America's richest community Rancho Santa Fe, also where the Heaven's Gate cult mass suicide took place in April 1997.

Encinitias

A kind of SoCal "beach" town, strangely the name in Spanish is "pregnant teens". To the north is La Costa, the south is Solana Beach and the east is a forest known as "Elvin Wood" or is it Olivenhain? (or "Oliver Clothesoff"). The West end is Leucadia or Cardiff-by-the-Sea, where bleach blonde ditzy teen blond bimbos are everywhere ... just like on Jersey Shore.

Santee

"Shitty", also site of a nationally-renowned school shooting in 1999. Traffic jams on I-8 are common (worse than I-15 by Pala Mesa Village), due to so many long distance commuters from Alpine to the east. Should it be renamed Santee Claus?, no ... that's the anagram for Satan.

Poway

No way, don't. go. there. It turned into a bedroom community over night, and millionaires taken over the town during the real estate boom (like to poop in your pants) in the late 1990s. Also the site of a divisive battle, San Pasqual in the Mexican-American war of the 1840s, where USA! USA! kicked Mexico's butt and acquired San Diego with all of California. USA NO way. So Gay but, what the hey).

Ramona

An attention whore with no life.

Julian

Her pimp who treats her like a bitch.

Borrego Springs

The middle of a fuckin' desert.

Tecate

A smaller version of T.J., named for one of Mexico's best beers.

Fallbrook

Military town next to Camp Pendleton and a few missile defense bases. The current Nazi Germany government in exile, next to the avocado groves filled with militias.