Shiner

A shiner is bruising around the eye commonly due to an injury to the eye surface by a large angry fist. The name is given because it shines in bad light. Most shiner injuries are major and will never seal completely. In rare cases people have been known to pass away, mainly because their eye was punched through the rear of their head or through internal eye bleeding.

The dramatic appearance (discoloration and swelling) always indicates a serious injury. The fatty tissue along with the lack of muscle around the eye socket lends itself to the extreme outward, overhanging, appearance. Medical attention is usually needed.

History

The Shiner is always quoted as being created by the Irish in 1768, however newly discovered stone tablets show it was used as early as 4000BC, around the time when God invented hands, and Belgium. The stone tablets were written by god and handed to Moses, these were the ten commandents the 9th of which is 'I shall shiner who ever deverses a shiner friend or foe'. From 400 BC up to nearly 1900, the Shiner blossomed in popularity. Nearly everywhere you went you saw hundreds of men, women and children sporting fashionable Shiners on their eyes. This was known as the Shiner Era.

• Mid History

The Shiner fell into decline following the catastrophic Chav Shiner Disaster in 1912. This was when the great ship Hugemungous set sail, after travelling to the North the Captain realised that there was no Burberry icebergs, so promptly Shinered himself. The ship then sank with the loss of 6,000 chavs, an Emo and a small chicken.

• Recently

During the periods of the First and Second World Wars the Shiner was favoured as a close combat attack, giving 'Critical Hit' status against Nazis. It grew through widespread rioting and revolts until it reached the pinnacle of its miserly existence. Then Steven E. heard of it.

Even more recently, assumed close friend of Steven, Chris Ramsey acquired a acceptational shiner, which gained “shiner lord - Steven’s” stamp of approval, it is not known entirely why Steven associates him self with Chris, it is thought that he finds the collapsing of Chris’s gay modelling career comical this is because of a hideous imperfection on his eye (A Shiner). Because of the putrid, rancid and generally vile nature of this shiner, it will most likely lead to the social rejection of Chris and furthermore the destruction of his known life. This is a usual quality of a SHINER, however Lord Steven believes; Chris possesses enough strength to hold onto his life.

Steven E and the Return of the Shiner

Steven E is the nowadays patron saint of the Shiner. He introduced it back into Britain on May 3rd, 2005. First we must learn of his life.

• Steven was born on the 5th December, 1908 into a poor Irish family. As a baby he used to regularly Shiner the family goat. When growing up he resisted Hitler and instead joined the Womans' Land Army due to some unpleasantly tight trousers. After the war (he can't remember which one), he visited Hong Kong where he had a fight with Godzilla and won. Steven is most famously known for finding 12 uses for kumquat juice; and creating an alcoholic concoction which can kill a fully grown yak.

However, in 2001, Steven accidentally Shinered himself and now walks the streets of London at night, looking for anyone to Shine. Some die - hard Shiner worshippers seek Steven out and acquire his pearls of wisdom, including such classics as:

• "I wish I was a Kumquat" , "Cous Cous!" and "Conglomeration of Cunning Linguists!"

It is a well known fact that Steven hates vegetarians and calls them an inferior race.He always carries meat, this is believed to help decrease the swelling of a shiner. Steven proved this in 1819 as not a valid method to decrease a shiner's swelling. Steven regenerates every few years with a completely new face, and a racial minority assistant, in fact he lived on Gallefrey for many years of his live and now has a PHD in rock apprecation. His TARDIS is in the form of a double-doored American fridge, full of meat and beer.He uses his TARDIS to shiner people through-out history who were in need of a shiner, such as Woodrow Wilson and Mahatma Gandhi. Joe Pascaly was one of his unluckist victims as he lived after being shinered in the troat. Steven E is commonly feared in the maths classroom as he has a frequent habit of rubbing/squirting various nasal creams and other body lotions in the eyes of the unlucky victim Rhys Woodfield. Rhys Woodfield has been administered the shiner various times to the amusement of the great shinerman himself, Steven E. Steven also joined the mysterious Nacho Crew in 1960.

The Shinerbeast

Legend tells of a one-eyed beast (full name: One Eye Terrorising Shiner Beast of Eastern Albania) which is in fact a giant eye. It is said that it stalks the North Downs, filling all with terror and spitting testicles and giant fists. It was once a young, unbruised eye when Steven (in his shining prime) attacked it violently and turned it into a giant shiner, the source of its malicious powers. It recently played itself in a stunning video remake of the legend, where many young, brave and courageous warriors have to endure in a long painful battle to end the beast.

The Shiner in Religion and the AntiShine

The Shiner is worshipped in some cultures as an idol of machismo, such as the Bnarg-Faatar-Bleeb tribe of Southern Western Indonesia and the Politically Correct Commune for all to Become Citizens of, Including but not Limited to the Follically, Vertically and Horzotally Challenged.

• There is talk of a holy text, the Shible, but it is yet to be discovered. However we at the Natural History Museum are sure it will scorn the veggies.

The Shiner has been around in the Bible, it is thought that the hard Shiner worshippers killed King Tut after he enforced health and safety on all of his construction projects and made it ilegal to eat meat. Moses had something to say about that, althouth he didn't eat pork and was only allowed to eat kosker meat.

The AntiShine

Unfortunately, much like Hitler and Doctor Who, there is a down side. When the Shiner was born, so was the AntiShine. It goes by the name of 'Mr Frumpy' and has no gender. It enjoys sleeping under trees and drinks Meths. It hates all 3 - sided shapes, especially Daniel. It is predicted that if Steven and the AntiShine ever come together the Universe will implode and all will die, including ducks, mice and those cocktail umbrella thingies.

How to correctly administer a Shiner

The correct method

A Shiner may be administered for medical reasons on prescription or merely through spite. However, you must follow these guidelines.

1. Clamp the victim's head firmly by the right ear
2. Draw your fist back beside your left ear and tense the arm muscle
3. Bellow 'Shiner!' at the top of your voice, this appeases the gods.
4. Plant your fist swiftly yet firmly into the victim's right eye.
5. Step back and admire your handiwork.

What to do if you've been Shinered

1. Curl up and cry.
2. Curl up and die.

What to do if your friend has been Shinered

1. Call the Shiner Brigade on 671
2. Put them in the recovery position (one arm up their right nostril, one arm behind their neck, one leg bent in half and the last leg in a tree)
3. Inject 'Anti-Shine' into the swelled area. This deflates the bruising.

Trivia

Trivia sections are facially bruising!

The article could be improved by reading it upside-down, or something, I dunno. Did you know it's impossible to lick your own elbow? Unless you're some kind of freak.

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Did you know…

• Vegetarians cannot give a Shiner?
• The Exchange rate is 2 American and 600 Japanese Shiners to one British Stirling Shiner?
• All members of the Black Eyed Peas had received critical Shiners at Birth (Hence their group name).
• In 1961, WWF (World Wide Fund for Nature) produced their Charity Logo, which was of a Polar Bear with all of its limbs burnt, ears covered in tar and two large round 'Shiners' to symbolise the most simplest form of Animal Cruelty. But now days it is recognised as the Sweatshop Polar Bear (A.K.A. Giant panda).
• In 1997, Segata Sanshiro had attended the International Martial Arts competition, and caused Eternal Bruising around the eye to everyone that opposed him.

SHINER. The Musical

Coming to theaters 2020

The SHINER. musical has been delayed due to the massive rate of 1,000 eye injuries and 7 testicular faults. But do not worry as the highly, critically acclaimed hit is on its way to theaters somewhere on the 30th of February 2020. You may have heard many theories about the next generation of theater, and the SHINER musical is first to try out it's amazing new technology to pack a BIGGER punch on the audience's eye. Here is a sneak peek of it's new technological, genetically engineered features:

• The theaters will include real time shoot-outs (H&K G43 supplied under theater stools, for a better experience and also to shoot old people and/or veggies).
• Amazing new Punchyaeyetothebackofyaheadseats3.0.4.56, which a Compressed gas canister combined with a brick will give the audience the experience a full on Shiner.
• NEW 2-D glasses which make everything seem 2-D and cause Shiners to stand out.
• FREE Goldfish masks to hide a Shiner with a shiner.
• And for the bigger fanatics of the musical, the new anvil from above feature (A Ton of shiner for everyone).

Have a Goldfish Mask to hide that great shiner of yours.

A list of songs for the SHINER. Musical will be produced 50 years after... (in order of being sung in the musical)

• The hills are alive with the sound of SHINER
• We Will Shine You
• Mamma Shia
• National Anthem of Shina
• Shine Lightnin'
• You're the one that I Shine.