Ray Kroc
"He sure was a Kroc of something."
~ Oscar Wilde on Ray Kroc
"A broken clock is right at-least twice a day, unless you stomp it into the ground."
~ Former heavyweight boxer Mike Tyson on clock and Kroc
"E-coli can sometimes contain Ray Kroc's hamburgers."
~ Any reasonable eater on Ray Kroc's hamburgers.
Ray Kroc (October 5, 1902 – January 14, 2004) acquired the failing McDonalds/Salmonella Lard-ass Corporation franchise chain in 1955, which he later transformed into a butchery by-product goldmine. Kroc had an idea to join forces with a hilariously failing rapper clown, Ronald McDonald to create America's first solid-waste recycling center — and McDonald's was born.
The chain-smoking entrepreneur built his one-location grease pit into the most successful grease pit operation in the world... in the world! Kroc was very successful and was also included in Playgirl's Top 100 Guys You Wish Would Stay Clothed, and amassed a $500 vazillion-dollar fortune during his lifetime. He also owned the uber-masculine San Diego Padres softball team — and a 1977 AMC Gremlin X nicknamed Jillian.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Kroc was born to parents of Czech origin in Oak Park, Illinois, in 1903, where he ate his first hamburger at the age of four-months. He then lived, ate hambugers, played ball in the alleys and at the parks, and kind of grew up on hamburgers. He was sick a lot of the time.
Then, during the First World War, he trained to become an ambulance driver to pick up all the people who had eaten hamburgers or had been shot by other people who at hamburgers. As an ambulance driver Kroc also pioneered the art of backing over personal injury lawyers. Between the end of the war and the early 1950s, when he ate thousands of hamburgers, he tried his hand at a number of trades, including paper-cup salesman, pianist, jazz musician, pipe organ player and his all-time favorite, cow masturbator (which he also took up as a later-in-life hobby). Kroc eventually became a snake oil salesman, traveling across the country hunting and selling snakes.
His snake selling work introduced him to brothers Dick and Nick McDonald, who had opened a small hamburger restaurant in 1940 in San Bernardino, California and were interested in contracting some snake meat. Together with Kroc, the brothers sold innovative "potions" disguised as malted milk out of their hamburger restaurant. The brothers began franchising in 1953.
While working at the McDonald's flagship store, Kroc met dominatrix girlfriend (and ruthless witch), Tarah Zimmerman. She introduced a naive Kroc to black magic, white magic, and the old-time-relgion magic. Side by side, Zimmerman and Kroc founded the Correllian Tradition of Wicca. It was during this time that Kroc also received his preacher's certificate in the mail, and became Reverend Ray Kroc. Both as a wiccan and a reverend, Kroc was now able to perform weddings for his friends and funerals for his hamburger victims.
After performing a black art spell or two, Kroc acquired the McDonalds franchise chain in 1955 when, shaking in fear, the brothers realized what an asshole this guy really was. Kroc then began looking for a mascot. An avid fan of evil clowns, Kroc dreamed of signing a distraught clown, Ronald McDonald, into working for him. Kroc ruthlessly tailed the clown everywhere he went.
Kroc and McDonalds[edit | edit source]
Kroc finally knocked on the door of the residence of the washed-up clown, Ronald McDonald. Kroc later wrote in his memoir — Oh Shit, I've Opened Pandora's Box — "Ronald was a clown and nobody would've ever taken him seriously. I told him, join me, and we will poison the world. And he did... faggot."
With his token clown in hand, Kroc jacked-off him off, and then went about building a legacy. Kroc and Ronald McDonald surpassed all sales records and later decided to add the number of hamburger-related heart attacks to their restaurant signage, touting billions and billions served — actually promoting their success as the bland food of death. The combination of gristled beef and burned-out rapper clown were unstoppable.
The McDonald's restaurants consisted of friendly service and large feedlot playplaces for the formerly healthy little children.
Ronald McDonald, unfortunately, underwent dramatic changes a few years later, a disease presently known as Jackoitis, and became obsessed with what he saw as his fast food chain. He fired Kroc in 1999, telling the founder, "FUCK YOU NIGGER, get off my property before I call in PETA to remove you forcibly". Kroc was devastated.
Kroc absconded to his home, a disgruntled rich-as-hell old shut-in. He almost choked to death on a Wendy's hamburger one day, and nobody noticed. Ronald McDonald ordered Kroc's name scrubbed from the history of the corporate giant, and not one person complained. Even Kroc's wife, Joan, avoided him as much as possible, and became more distant as she carried on her affair with Ronald.
Kroc died of a hamburger-induced heart ailment (of course) at San Diego McMemorial Hospital in San Diego, California, on January 14, 2004. In his will, Kroc asked that his body be "infused" into a McDonald's restaurant in his birthplace of Oak Park, Illinois. After they deep-fried him, workers used a spatula and a fork to infuse Kroc's corpse into the restaurant's wall, added a pinch of salt for flavor, and poked him in the eye with a chicken bone.
