Planetside 2

Planetside 2
Developer(s)	12 year old children which only know how to use Scratch and are particularly fond of the colour purple and spandex.
Publisher(s)	Sony Online eRobbery (SOE)
Engine	Something they found on a CD in the 1990's which is now known as Forgelight Engine
Release date(s)	May 19, 2027.5, early alpha released 20 Nov 2012
Genres(s)	Massively Multiplayer Online Singleplayer Serious Lag Offline Explosions
Rating(s)	ESRB: Get a Better PC(NOTNUFFPOWER)
Platform(s)	Masterrace DirectX flavour, PeasantStation 4
Media(s)	Digital Download and required patch download (est. dl time 6 hours 7 minutes 8.5 seconds 785 milliseconds 46.4 nanoseconds 2.41^22 femtoseconds @ 2Gb/s)
System Requirements	Quantum PC with 2.6YB RAM, a hard drive bigger than Uranus, 1k Cores @ 3THz, nVidia PSMUBBWHTDTGC (Planetside Made Us Bankrupt Because We Had To Design This Graphics Card) Titan with 3TB of VRAM

“How did my forehead get its-own game?!”

~ David Cameron on Planetside 2

“Why do I need two titans to run this game at 60FPS at ultra?!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Planetside 2

“These goggles, they still do nothing...”

~ Terran Republic on their still useless goggles.

“WE NEED TO GET TO THE AFFFFFF POINT NAO”

~ The people who use ingame voice chat

Planetside 2 is a blatant ripoff of David Camerons forehead. It copies many ideas such as large, open spaces along with the fact that its set on a alien world which has been depleted of ideas (and resources), is full of lies and has tons of people fighting over it.

It is also known as a sequal to the popular Planetside however unlike the prequeal it has much more subscribers, less content, prettier shaders and much higher system requirements.

Gameplay

The gameplay mainly consists of wondering why you're playing the game.

Gun Play

Just like many games out there under the title "FPS" you have guns. And a lot of them.

There are three main types of weapons:

• Energy - Exclusive to the Vanu, most sound like a heavily modified "pew pew" sound and have no drop distance (somehow).
• Bullet - Exclusive to the NC and TR due to their quite good spandex penetrating technology.
• Explosive - BANG! And the dirt is gone.

After that there are premium weapons which are quite simply reskins of other weapons with a new sound and a novelty factor of waving a gun about which you wasted £10 on.

Classes

There are six classes in Planetside 2.

• Infiltrator - Go sit on the enemies point and capture the base because no-one notices
• Light Assault - Use jetpacks to go into large crowds of people and ask for ammo promptly before placing a friendship block
• Heavy Assault - We hope you like big guns that make loads of noise and not much else
• "Combat" Medic - Confuse yourself with the weird key bindings
• Engineer - Confuse yourself with the repair tool and your secondary weapon
• MAX - Its big, its loud and that's about it.

Facilities

Planetside 2 features many massive buildings for the player to enter and be murdered. These are:

• Biolabs - Massive domes with trees, plants, bugs and dead bodies. The main feature of this building is that there are only two entrances and too many spawn rooms inside.
• Small facilities - The small facilities have one capture point to fight over along with who gets to stay inside until someone accidentally presses "g" and puts smoke everywhere
• Large facilities - Usually with three capture points and loads of rocks to get stuck on. These facilites are usually the most unique as the developers spent more than 3 hours begging the computer to do something
• Amp stations - Just a massive complex similar to a biolab, but with more spawn points and pointless barriers to get stuck on. These facilities have walls around them which are a pain to get through without being a light assault or getting the misfortune of fixing the physics engine.

Vehicles

This part of the game can be annoying as sometimes the vicious terrain of David Camerons forehead can prove too much for the said vehicle and make it flip and explode or crash into a tree. Unfortunately a way to turn the vehicles without a ramp, turbo and luck hasnt been added by the developers presumably because they're too busy figuring out how to use the keyboard.

Land Vehicles

Land Vehicles are a way to get across the rather large and weird terrain of David Camerons forehead and trying to avoid weird geometries, trees, mines and C4 while trying to put up with 10 people trying to make you a bit of the scenery.

Quad Bike/Flash

The most basic of transport vehicles and also the cheapest. It features four wheels and the robustness of porcelain with a paper base.

Due to this the Flash has one use only: using it to perform epic 420 vehicle noscopes (because they forgot to add them) with the high explosive weapon on-board.

Every faction has this vehicle because someone picked a mysterious USB off of a parking lot and plugged it into the Nanite Systems' computer.

Car with Turret/Harasser

Due to its rather wild nature, the Harasser is considered a breakthrough in harassing technology such as being able to make a top tank player rage quit and send a hoard of angry spandex fans over to your door.

One of its most prominent features is its unique ability to piss of Greenpeace after having a showdown with its mortal enemy - a tree. Due to this the developers of this vehicle thought it'd be wise to include a 3rd seat on the back allowing the harasser to be repaired after its showdown with the tree and running over hoards of angry Greenpeace supporters.

The only reason this vehicle is found in every faction is due to it being included with the Valkyrie as a "bonus" product.

Big Davey's Van/Sunderer

This van was originally designed by Big Davey to transport his massive propeller from the Royal Yacht over in Edinburgh, Leith back in the year 2006.

Now, over 500 years later it had been found in Auraxis with a cloning device, PlayStation 3 and a bit of something shaped suspiciously similarly to a very big spanner. How it has been found on a planet ages away is as good of a guess as is mine.

Every faction has adapted Big D's van due to the cloning device and the spanner which it came with which is required to fix the warpgate when someone tries to create a Galaxy-tower.

Small Tank/Lighting

This tank is the first of its kind to offer a cup holder, due to this function every faction in Planetside 2 had a Black Friday like rush to grab the blueprint for.

It features a pitiful 6-round large shell gun by default and it is considered slightly more effective than a spoon being chucked at 200 m/s however there are upgrades available to other more useful spoon-chuckers, one of which includes a supersonic tea-bag flinger which is very effective at taking down aircraft.

Large Tank/Prowler

This red tank which is reinforced by the combination of old, dried up paint and masking tape is exclusive to the Terran Republic as it features a picture of Adam Smith on the both of the gunners cabins and on the engine its self. This tank also features a smooth pop-out cupholder with a capacity for a mega coke from McDonalds.

Another notable feature of this tank is the "deploy" mode which extends medieval maces from the tanks' main wheels to give it a lower cupholder deploy speed, however this causes the tank to remain stationary which is perfect for the sip of coke while in mid battle.

Hover Tank/Magrider

This work of witchcraft by the Vanu Sovereignty is lined with spandex left, right and center; it has so much of it, it levitates!

Due to the amount of spandex and that the main gun makes a pew pew noise only the Vanu Sovereignty found it desirable.

The cup holder in this tank is embedded in the armrest of the chair which is another reason why this tank is able to float; it doesnt have a high quality cup holder mechanism unlike the other two factions.

Other Large Tank/Vanguard

Unlike the other factions tank's this one features a patented technology called "Polysteeltubenonspandexanet" armor which makes the tank really tough but also really slow. Legends have it that once a turtle outran a Vanguard on a downhill slope.

The interior contains a few posters of Primark and Bald Eagles, due to this it makes the tank unfavorable to both the Terran Republic and the Vanu Sovereignty, which leaves the New Conglomerate as the only ones willing to buy this tank.

This tank's cupholder features a lifting mechanism from the floor and the support for only a large coca-cola, this might be due to the Polysteeltubenonspandexanet technology taking up the majority of the floor and cupholder.

Planes

Planes allow the player to create various types of mid air collisions and problems. This is due to the lack of any warning if you're about to create a pore in David Camerons forehead or just ping into Nick Cleggs nostril.

Small Plane/Mosquito

This plane is based on highly compressed mosquitoes and high resolution 3d OLED 144Hz displays where the engines are. An added bonus of the "engines" is that you can play the newest Call Of Duty at 24 FPS on your Xbox Minus One.

Like the name suggests, the Mosquito is powered by mosquitoes, it has achieved this by stripping the wings off of mosquitoes and putting them on the underside while having the rest everywhere else.

Due to it being made out of mosquitoes it has very fast cruising speeds, good agility, the occasional buzzing sound and itch.

Cool Looking Plane/Scythe

Due to cloning being invented, a lot of mystical creatures which carried a scythe killed themselves, which resulted a massive stockpile of scythes. Soon a use of scythes were discovered by the Vanu Sovereignty in the construction of airframes and a buffer for witchcraft to power them.

It features a slim design because the pilot is forced to lay down in a spandex cabin while piloting to keep the dead souls generating the witchcraft required to power the spacecraft in its flight.

Ripoff of the other small plane/Reaver

Joining the trend of the New Conglomerate copying ideas of the Terran Republic and adding the smallest tweaks then calling it a new thing comes the Reaver.

The New Conglomerate trend of adding their patented Polysteeltubenonspandexanet to things that don't need them prevails with the Reaver; it is heavily lined with this mysterious technology that makes the things slow, however unlike the Vangaurd it features a way to surpass this for a couple seconds with a really powerful afterburner which allows it to go as fast as a disabled pigeon.

It compensates for this with having various, ridiculously overpowered weapons such as a surface mounted shotgun and a frozen bird flinger (which miraculously allows it to take down other planes).

It has been adapted by only the New Conglomerate as the Polysteeltubenonspandexanet is seen as an unfavourable feature to every other faction.

The shitty one/Valkyrie

Outside of the launch no one without a pound of weed actually uses the Valkyrie. Why? Its due to how the Valkrie behaves - a fat anime character; it can go left and right but its atrocious at everything else and the smallest hit can leave it destroyed, such as insulting its favourite Hentai character, however it makes a funny noise when you spend a fiver on it.

Due to the rather amusing noise it makes when you spend £5 on it every faction has added it to the, still, rather small list of planes.

Truck with jets attached/Liberator

This breakthrough in explosive air travel has been adapted by all of the factions due to the feature of the cup holder. The cupholder in the Liberator features dual cup mode for each of the three pilots unlike the rest of the tanks which only feature one. The max capacity of this cup holder is a giant McDonalds Coca-Cola cup. Upon purchase of this vehicle you receive 6 free giant cups (maximum capacity of all of the cup holders) of Coca-Cola. The mechanism in the cup holder is a fast, snappy self-assembling one, it surpasses the technology of all of the tanks however it is prone to failure if the user leaves two cups in it.

Like the name suggests the Liberator can become liberating in some cases, for example when you bought 3 giant cups of coca-cola instead of two.

Whale with jets attached/Galaxy

This commercial jet-liner with guns attached has also been adopted by all of the factions due to every twelve seats having a cup holder capable of having a large coca-cola in them.

The main feature of this whale is the twelve seats with cup holders. As an added bonus you get to practice your "Space" and "Ctrl" key mashing skills, this has proven to be a very popular "bonus" as flocks of "Space" and "Ctrl" mashing fetishists have flocked Planetside 2 and made it what it is today.

The sheer amount of cupholders had caused another Black Friday like rush to occur in the factions, destroying the Nanite Systems' central offices and all the good developers they had, however a blueprint was saved and so the Galaxy was made available on the internet of a low, low price of £9.99 + £99.99 monthly payments for 24 years. Needless to say every faction now owns the Galaxy because of the corporate cash in of the massive amount of cupholders.

Landscape

Factions

The game features three factions one of which had their name trademarked.

Terran Republic

The faction that invaded Auxaris originally which descended from over 200 years of rule from Earth, being Fascists they think they should control the planet along with their best friends; Corporations which would later become their own faction and become the 'murica of Auxaris.

The main features of the Terran Republic weapons are a large clip and high fire rate which would prove to be pretty much same as the VS or NC, however the VS or NC have yet to make a chaingun, which is the only reason you'd want to play as the Terran Republic.

The music tastes of these fascists are dramatic classical presumably due to how classical fascism was on earth and the rather interesting people it created.

New Conglomerate

The New Conglomerate originated as Monsanto Axuaris edition, they mainly specilise in shotguns and slow stuff as they are really proud of their patented technology. It mainly started as a few terrorists claiming to be "peace seekers" and "democrats" (also known as America).

Their main feature is having shotgun starting weapons and blue screaming missiles that lockon to aircraft and cause too much damage, presumably because they contain GM seeds which have been modified in such a way to cause destruction.

Their music is absolutely horrible; it features off tune rock which no-one likes, presumably because they abducted some pensioners off of the streets and made them make their music.

Vanu Sovereignty

Originally known as the more reasonable faction has turned into every other faction with their decision to declare war on everyone else that didn't agree with their views and magically becoming a powerful faction.

They feature energy weapons which are quite simply reskins of the other factions weapons with no bullet drop as they use batteries instead of metal bullets. This might be due to their "Cult" status.

It is also common knowledge (to the vanu atleast) that when their Spandex machines get damaged with metal misses Papa Vanu gets really pissy.

They also have links to the 12 year old Scratch programmers and professional-victim complexes which means they get anything they want however unreasonable the "request" is.

These cultists love electronic mixed with classical presumably because it makes them feel new and old.

Story

It all starts off when someone decided to throw a Nokia Brick out of their spaceship which eventually crashed into Pluto revealing a machine that is suspiciously similar to a Mac Pro, this soon lead to finding the power button of the Mac and the construction of few power plants to provide the 13 Gigawatt's required to power the fan. This ended in disaster as the Mac Pro ended up resurrecting Steve Jobs during the famous "BOING" sound which lead to Steve Jobs creating a wormhole that opened every 100 years (but not in the year he was resurrected as he decided that he needed to make a new UI for Mac OS XXX).

Prior to the "Nokia Incident" the world had a massive war because Kim Jung Duh's tea spilt on his used iPhone 3GS which was unlocked as he was watching Hentai (as they managed to get Flash running on iPhones in 2426) just as a daily reminder about "How To Piss Off Everyone including the US volume 2" popped up. Needless to say due to the amazing design of Apple products and the quite bad luck of Kim Jung Duh resulted in the iPhone recognizing the water on the screen as his finger and the "Piss off the US" button which launched a nuclear missile to the other side of the road however a (in)conveniently placed trampoline made it bounce all the way over to the US, which lead to Fox News making everyone seem like the enemy and causing everyone to get pissed at each other.

Then the resources ran out due to the catfight of the nations of the earth and (then) a mysterious wormhole opening the leaders decided to have a massive orgy leading to the end of the Great Catfight of the 25th Century. It was also decided that the best person in the orgy will be get to be the dictator of the world for the next four years.

A very long time after the orgy and Tom Connery winning the orgy battle, his rival Henry Briggs decided to join him in a expedition to the moon and asteroid belt where they got insane psychedelic effects after having a second orgy (with Tom Connery winning again) which lead to to both of them hearing the same word: "Vanu". "Vanu", coincidentally was a spandex manufacturer on Earth after Tom Connery ordered the world to make at least two meters squared of spandex a day instead of solving bigger issues such as the lack of resources on Earth.

After the purchase of enough spandex to cover the earth three times over and the construction of a lot of spaceships to investigate what's through the wormhole, begun the expedition to the wormhole. However this ended in disaster as Steve Jobs had some "unexpected bowel movements" and created a small cloud of invisible gas destabilizing the wormhole and destroying many of the ships, however there were some survivors presumably because those spaceships were made out of recycled Nokia 3310's, not spandex.

Eventually the people of the spaceships descended into their own factions (presumably because they lost a couple brain cells after going through the gas clouds) and caused a mini catfight on the spaceships. During the catfight one of the scientists remember a game called "Spore" which he played on his iPhone 879ARSEe (Assertive Retina Stimulation Extra edition) and immidiatally preceded to make a massive terraforming spandex powered machine that looked suspiciously similar to the iMac on its face.

Three years passed of big ATMOSPHEREBOMBERNATOR1280's being detonated to create a breathable atmosphere and plant life. Shortly after discovering oil the fleet landed on the planet to start colonies, however it was discovered that there wasn't much oil left as the previous species went on a plastic-bottle manufacturing spree and the brand new Nantie (create-stuff-out-of-thin-air-from-non-thin-air) technology wouldn't last long and the war re-begun which is where, you, the player come in.

The only reason you (As the player) can respawn is due to cloning technology being invented about two minutes before the war of Auraxis.

Due to depression of Tom Connery being murdered in the process of passing through the wormhole and not being able to have amazing orgies Henry Briggs killed himself sometime in 2660 with the vision of being the first human to talk to the Vanu (alien race, not spandex manufacturer).

Developers

The developers had a documentary made of their daily occurrences in the office, however due to SOE running a smear campaign the full version has been compromised and deleted under the guise of Defamation, with the help of rabid Planetside fangirls.

However, due to the wonders of youtube a section of the documentary remains.

See Also

• Planetside
• Sony
• Pluto
• Wormholes
• Pancakes
• Keyboards
• Elephants
• Reptilians
• Space