Planetside
| Planetside | |
|---|---|
| |
| Developer(s) | Satan |
| Publisher(s) | $0E |
| Engine | Karma Means YOU PAY For Sony's Mistakes Engine |
| Release date(s) | May 19, 1865 |
| Mode(s) | Massively Multiplayer Online Singleplayer |
| Rating(s) | ESRB: Fail(F) |
| Platform(s) | Windows |
| Media(s) | CD and required patch download (est. dl time 7 years 6 months 10 hours @ broadband 40mb) |
| System Requirements | Your grandma's Apple IIe |
“Nerf the thunderer”
“Nerf the beamer”
“Of course I didn't just OS our own AMS”
“FUCKING LATTICE!”
“Lo m8's,,,we needa saave me,,mum,,,Americh,,gogogo”
“The jackhammer is fair!?, are you having a laugh? is he having a laugh?”
“Where the fuck was he? I tell ya fucking gen dropping TR these days.”
“"Nerf towers because they suck" "Don't nerf towers, Bob is just a n00b and doesn't know how to fight in them."”
“"The goggles, they do nothing!"”
“RUN LIKE YOU STOLE IT MOTHAFUCKAS!!!”
Planetside is a computer video game by $ony Online Entertainment (and thusly, The Devil) in which the goal is to stand around asking for a squad for three hours before another player shoots you in the face with a weapon bigger than yours. Upon switching between the three empires, the player finds that special programming exists so that your enemy's weapon always does massive damage. Your own weapon simply displays a message telling your opponent someone is shooting them and centers their crosshairs on your torso. The amount of damage a player can inflict upon enemies is determined by the amount of times, and placement of the letter X in the player's username. For example, a player with four instances of the letter X will be able to do substantially more damage that a player with only one X. After eight years of playing, you can choose to unlock a giant pie tin on legs with secret alien technology that causes all missiles on the continent to fly towards it. The game has existed since 1865, with only three patches from the developers to actually add more bugs into the game. This is partly due to the developer's addiction to World of Warcraft, and their desire for all Planetside players to get fed up, unsubscribe, and join their crappy Alliance clan.
Part of the game's appeal is that an article for a mathematical journal on how to create mathematical impossiblities was accidentally pasted into the game's code. The Devil ($ony Online Entertainment) liked what he saw, and integrated the article into the code. Because of this, there are actually more deaths in the game than kills; even accounting for the growing popularity of ritual suicide by plasma that is taking off in the younger generation of retar...I mean, subscribers.
Planetside was finally killed in 2008 when the Microsoft Forces bombed $ony Headquarters. Planetside, by then a crazy vagrant with no subscribers, no developers, and no money, was caught in the blast a block away and died friendless and alone.
Features[edit | edit source]
- Armor
- Everyone wakes up in their spawn tubes in a pair of pajamas, and a gun. Damn, that things hurts your back after sleeping against it for so long.
- An 'Agile' suit. Really fucking great. Biggest you can wear in some vehicles.
- A REXO suit. A vast improvement over agile. The REXO user cannot drive a majority of vehicles. This is countered by the extra space for carrying weapons and ammo, which your enemy will loot off your corpse and then kill you with repeatedly.
- A MAX Suit. With this suit, no matter what happens, you will always kill 10 people before you die. Worst thing to happen to game balance since the one-sided scale was invented, but the greatest thing to happen to Eddie Murphy's career. The NC Anti-infantry MAX suit allows the user to portray the roles of multiple overweight characters using the varying choke modes of the scattercannon. Martin Short attempted to resurect his career by certing a TR Burster MAX, and was only able to clamp down into one character, Jiminy Glick. He was killed from behind by an enraged Reba McEntire while trying to unclamp, but was unable to as he was re-loading another salvo of semi-hilarious questions at the time.
- An infiltrator suit. Supposed to turn you invisible, but any asshole with a halfway-decent graphics card will see you when you blink your eyes. The Planetside Development team are the most effective users of this armor. They are able to remain completely still, staying invisible for months at a time.
- Weapons
- If you're moving, at all, even crawling on your hands and knees, in slow-mo, you won't be able to hit anything at all. Same if you're standing. It's like the game was made by pacifists who wanted to make it as hard as they could to kill anyone.
- There is a class of weapons called 'Heavy Assault'. They kill everyone. Even if you sneak up on someone with a shotgun, if they have any Heavy Assault weapon, they can turn around and kill you before you can get their health even halfway down.
- Plus, one of the heavy weapons, the Jackhammer, can kill anyone in one hit. All the other weapons need you to unloada full clip before you can even vaguely damage someone. This was put in by special request from The Devil to make 2/3 of subscribers damn themselves by committing suicide in frustration, and damn the souls of the other 1/3 by letting them use such a cheap weapon. What a dick.
- Vehicles, One of Planetside's biggest assets is it's vehicles. A few are used to actually kill people, and the rest are used to keep people warm at night.
- Tanks. Planetside has four tanks. Three are big, and pwn everything. The fourth is the small kid that gets beat up on the playground by the bigger three, and then takes out it's anger by beating up infantry. Big circle of pain, except that the infantry don't get to beat up the big three. They just get beat up by the small tank, and don't get to beat up anyone else.
- Aircraft. Some people think aircraft are for adding an extra element to the game, maybe a third dimension, or a way to suppress enemy forces. Actually, these are the result of a programming error, where the models of airplanes accidentally replaced models of firewood with wings. You see, the actual purpose of these vehicles is to keep enemy soldiers warm at night. Those big gas tanks blow up the aircraft after three hits. Jet fuel is very warm when burned. :)
- ATVs. Okay, there are three. Two of them have weapons. But you can't hit anything with them because it's impossible to steer the bastards. Another ATV can turn invisible. See 'infiltrator armor' above. Technically speaking, these are actually aircraft, given that they actually spend more time in the air, flying from microscopic bumps, than they do on the ground.
- Boats. You know, for all the water in this game, there aren't fucking any.
- Jetpacks: Obviously the best vehicle in the game allowing the player to fly around the continent in speeds that are equivalent to the Star Ship Enterprise. Jetpacks arent, however, actually in the game.
- Spaceships. Okay, now this is just getting ridiculous. Stop this.
- Giant Robots. Okay, this is just...but wait, you know what? The devs actually DID put something like this in (and caused half the population to unsub overnight over how bullshit overpowered they were). They used to be incredibly overpowered, but after the game's third and final patch, they were nerfed into oblivion (and rightly so). Now only people who have a serious death wish get in them. The government puts a tag on anyone who enters one and sends someone to watch them in real life to foil their inevitable suicide attempt.
- Gameplay
- Polishing. Colloquially known as 'buffing', it is a well-known fact that any item in the game can be made better by polishing it. The devs are the only ones certed to use buffing cloths, and they would use them, except that because they're pacifists, they have too much fun firing nerf guns at everything.
- Nerf Guns. The opposite of polishing, any item in the game can be made worse by firing nerf darts at it, known as 'nerfing' it. This makes things weapons worse because the darts clog up the barrels and they also stick on the sides and prevent people from using the sights. They even managed to get five darts into the magazine of the suppressor, making the only accurate weapon in the game have too few bullets to kill anyone without making every bullet hit. Nerf guns also make vehicles worse by clogging up the engine, the gas tank, and the wheels. They also erode armor over time and reduce the power of weapons.
- Forumside
- Jdawg linked a video to his C: drive and from then on became a well known retard.
Common Mottos[edit | edit source]
Fucking Lattice!
Warping Bastard!
Kill stealing fuck tard!
Why can't you be more like a VS Emerald CR5!?
Nerf the thumper!
Dagda Dagda Dagda!
Bloddy zerg!
IT'S CALLED DRIFTIN'
People still pay to play this shit? Go get Halo or Battlefield.
REAVER WHORE!
OMGZ IT WAS LAG!