Unquotable:Thomas Jefferson

"Hi, I'm Thomas Jefferson."

Quoting Thomas Jefferson is, generally speaking, a good idea. Virtually any article, paper, essay, column or argument which begins with, or even contains, a Jefferson quote is automatically right. As you become more proficient at it, you will eventually learn to overuse the word 'freedom' so often that it loses all meaning.

Jefferson on Freedom

• "The Tree of Liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is best planted in indirect sunlight. Ideally soil should be slightly alkaline, but it has been known to flourish at a lower pH. Water regularly, but do not over water, as the roots are very vulnerable to fungal infection. Its thick bark makes it resistant to beetles, but it is very prone to aphids, which are best treated with white oil."

• "All a tyranny needs to succeed are some cool uniforms."

• "I have sworn, upon the altar of God, eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man. I also own dozens of slaves. Hey, it makes sense to me! If you can't figure it out, you're probably a foreigner."

• "Something tremendously glib about truth and freedom."

• "Tyranny, war, and big government are all very bad. Therefore, I shall take a huge sum of taxpayers' money, and give it all to Napoleon. Which seems funny because a federal income tax doesn't exist yet."

• "The price of freedom is eternal kiddie porn."

• "Okay, fine... for the record, I support abortion AND gun rights! There! Happy?"

• "That we hold these truths to be self evident...all men are created equally, except the ones we own outright and can prove through our receipts from Slave Mart."

• "It doesn't matter if you actually said it. If it's written in your style, and someone attributes it to you, then you said it. Uhh, Freedom. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife. Yeah. That sounds like me."

• "Give me liberty, or give me a Klondike bar."

Jefferson on LSD

• "One pill makes you larger; one pill makes you small... but the ones that mother gives you never seem to work. Here, try these."

• "What did you say your name was?"

• "WHAT IF MY HOUSE WAS AN OCTOGON?!"

• "Has anyone ever been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?"

• "Remember what the doorknob said: Give me liberty, or give me a cute, female doorknob.

• "This sure beats smoking pocket lint! Not to mention belly lint. Or really, lint in general."

• "Goats are like mushrooms, if you shoot a duck, I'm scared of toasters."

Jefferson on Other Stuff

"If I could be any animal other than human, I would be a chipmunk."

• "I would rather have newspapers without a government than newspapers without Krazy Kat."

• "24 hours in a day, 24 female slaves on my plantation. Coincidence?"

• "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me!"

• "I believe in luck. The luckier I am the more work I have. No wait, that wasn't right. Damn it, I can't remember my own quotes. Or were they Ben Franklin's?"

• "I never said those Sally Hemings babies were mine, well, at least not out loud." Followed later by, "What the hell is DNA?"

• "We gotta remove these Indians and send these savages out into that chunk of land I bought from Napoleon, to make room for our growing immigration problem." To which the Indians replied, "You ARE our immigration problem!"

• "Linux is for dumb Noobz like you. Macs are epic win. Stupid noobs"

• "Nobody wins in a headbutt."

• "Don't believe anything you read on the internet *wink wink*"

Jefferson on Jungle Love

• "Sally, it was love the first at first sight that led me to examine and count your teeth and buy you at the Slave Mart."

• "Holidays and salidays and days of mouldy mayonnaise, caress me Aunt Jemima, caress me in so many ways."

• "Too much of a good thing is really, really good!"

• "I did not have sexual relations with that woman! I think."