Mail-order bride

"Hello, I am told that I am going to love you, won't you tell me your name?"

Mail-order brides are a means by which fat, poor Americans plan to dominate the global genepool by masturbating into it with the help of more-or-less willing females from third world countries.

Origins

The original Canadian mail-order bride, Les filles du roi (the King's daughter), was usually a poor or homeless gal who was sent to la Nouvelle France by government authorities desperate for people to colonise the new land. At first this seemed a grim prospect; at least at home Marie Antoinette would let them eat cake, but a life of nothing but poutine and Jos'Louis pastries? Ayoye! Alas, les filles du roi ultimately did fare better than le roi Louis XVI lui-même and his beloved Marie "qu'on mange de la brioche!" Antoinette, as landing in the backwaters of Canada is marginally preferable to landing in a basket head-first during la révolution française.

An outgrowth of the Asian tradition of arranged marriages, the picture bride was originally a Japanese gal who lived atop Mt. Fujifilm. Japan Inc. would need a certain number of people to make its cameras, cars and computers but would occasionally find itself overstocked, er, overstaffed... at this point, photos of any extra people would be sent to recent emigrants to the West in the hope of encouraging what were otherwise sight-unseen arranged marriages. Ultimately, the competition of another Land and his Polaroid Princesses was to ruin this fine tradition by flooding photo albums with guys and gals seeking instant results and Sony was finally to destroy the scheme through region-coding.

Countries of origin

Cape Vincent

Mail-order brides and mail-order bridegrooms were first shipped from this obscure backwater in 1814, after a local entrepreneur realised that they could be shipped to Canada at a cost for twenty-five cents each by placing them onto a small rowboat. The practice of marking up shipping charges (pay two bits, charge the client some exorbitant fee for "post and packing" or "shipping and handling", pocket the difference) was sufficiently profitable to soon lead to the invention of the even worse evil known as fleaBay. While fleaBay didn't catch on rapidly in 1814 (no one had computers), it eventually would make millions. Later versions of the sales pitch replaced the "American mail-order bridegrooms are docile, feminine and obedient" with a slogan imparting these characteristics instead to mail-order brides, much to the annoyance of a Big Bad Chinese Mama who had her heart set on a docile mail-order groom.

New México

A long-time favourite of Dan Quayle, the new Méxican señorita as a Latina lovely is much-touted for her perfect command of Latin. Alas, she would be marrying far below her station if she were to leave New México City for Dan Quayle as, while she's speaking classical Latin, he can't even spell "potatoe". A new Mexican bride is also very difficult to import into Megatexas, given the post-9/11 crackdowns by George W. Bush and the Department of Homeland Security to defend the Texas-México border with nyucyeulelar weapons.

The primary border crossing for New Mexicans to enter the United States of America has been the poorly-guarded Route 66 ghost town of Glenrio, an abandoned, divided desert outpost on what becomes a gravel road on the New Mexican side. Here, prospective American suitors may employ coyotes, shady characters who will aid clandestine crossing of the US-New México border for a hefty fee. While the motives of the coyotes on the US-New México border are unclear, it is suspected that they use the money from this scheme to purchase various ACME products.

Point Roberts

Point Roberts mail order brides and bridegrooms tend to be eager, compliant and deferential, due largely to the unusual geographic position of the exclave which dictates that the only way out of Point Roberts is to do anything to espouse a semi-willing Canadian in order to obtain passage to Delta, BC.

The Point Roberts mail order bride has much to offer her new Canadian master, including access to petrol at below Vancouver, BC market prices, inexpensive and plentiful dairy products from her home country and a handy US mailing address to which one can ship small eBay trinkets.

As Canada represents the only way out of Point Roberts, her gratitude at being able to leave and see the rest of the world is matched only by the Northwest Angle mail order bride, a tender and demeure creature who will do anything (including travel to Winnipeg) just to escape Minnesnowta. Point Roberts mail order brides rarely dare abandon their Canadian sponsors on arrival north of 49° as any run-in with Canuckistan immigration authorities could forever end their last hope of ever leaving the peninsula.

Tasmania

"Meet the Tasmanian mail-order bride, she'll take your heart for a spin" was the staple of many old Looney Tunes cartoons; she looks so sweet in the catalogue, but what appears when the wooden crate is finally opened? The Tasmanian Devil with lipstick. See also: Mary Queen of Denmark.

Federated Republic of Seattle

After the repeated Megatexan invasions of the 1970s, the economy of the Pacific Northwest is in permanent disrepair and young women often register with mail-order bride services like Annie to escape. Most of the men who use Annie's services come from Megatexas or the Soviet Union.

Tighland

Well known for being extremely desperate to Get Away, the first Thai Mail-order bride was delivered on the doorstep of a dude last Wednesday. In spite of being a professor in Alternative Medicine in Thailand, the dude has so far only taught her the following English phrases: "Polly wants big black cock" and "Miso Horny".

Process of obtaining a mail-order bride

By searching the Internet for pr0n, a male human with a fully developed sac may find a website proclaiming that females of its species may be obtained through analog email. Entranced by the usage of 'anal' and 'log' in the same word, the male begins typing, only to realize that his fingers are stuck to the keyboard. He then loses interest until the next time he visits the site.

In order to attract men to visit the site, pictures of Playboy playmates with vaguely European features are photographed naked in vaguely expensive rooms and positions. In the event that a man desires a mail order bride and for some reason does *not* immediately masturbate and lose interest, the women are removed from their Siberian slave camps and packaged into tiny boxes marked for international shipment. When they reach their destination, the male performs the mating ritual labelled on the box:

Just add water, after which the mail order bride is available for marriage.

Marriage and Afterwards

After the male marries his mail order bride, as soon as she qualifies for citizenship she then divorces him and takes his money and half of his parents' basement where he lives. He is then left with nothing except for his computer.

It has long been conjectured that the leaving of the computer is part of the species' self preservation tactics; the male is then free to order another mail-order bride. It is estimated that one male with a full eggsac can marry up to 185 mail-order brides in his lifetime.

Chain-mail and chain immigration

Remember those letters that began something like "Hi, I'm Dave Rhodes and I'm in prison. You can be too! Just send me all your money and mail this letter to the next fifty thousand people on this list..."?

One enterprising (or perhaps disillusioned) young lady got hold of the concept, changed it to "send your husband to the first gal on the list and send this on, at least one of what shows up has to be better than the one you have..." and the rest is history.

The chain-letter's potential for chain immigration was immediately obvious. Marry a foreigner, become a citizen in three years, then another year for a divorce. You are then both free to remarry, so send off for two more: one mail-order bride and one mail-order bridegroom. The next cycle of divorce and remarriage takes you from a foursome to eight, the next after that to sixteen... it grows exponentially. After the twentieth time through the process, you have now imported 1048575 people; after the thirtieth iteration you have imported all of China. A few more iterations and you have imported the world in its entirety, all through the magic of the new math.

This technique of mass immigration was introduced by Joey Smallwood as an April Fools' prank in 1949. He imported the entire Newfie nation into Canada before anyone spotted anything fishy about the scheme; the Canadians still have yet to realise that the old newfie was only joking.

Surprising what a silly ol' newfie will come up with when he has an extra half-hour to kill.

Chernobyl-patch kids?

Too lazy to marry a pregnant woman and just finished popping the question to someone half a world away because you couldn't be bothered asking the girl next door? Why not make the set complete by sending away for the Chernobyl Patch Kids?

Build your nuclear family today, the Chernobyl way! International adoption couldn't be easier (just inquire at any Wendy's drive-through window, as Dave himself is a foundling and understands the plight of these kids).

See also

• Slavery
• mother-in-law