Jake Angeli
Jake Angeli, or Jacob Anthony Chansley, or Q Shaman, or Hot Viking Guy (as he's more widely known) is a force of supernatural, superhero abilities. Having toppled so many tyrannical warlords, slave traders, smugglers, and typical stereotyped pimps he would amass such a following that even rock stars were envious. Born under the celestial sign of the Warrior Ninja Goat, he steadily developed skills that would earn him the Running Buffalo Stampede title among the Native American tribes of Norse Eagle Wiggy River, Yon' Rabbit of the Canyons, and Lazy Camel of the Misplaced Mongols.
One of his most famous exploits was in 1945 when he single-handedly took out all the French mimes in Germany and lead them away from the Nazis using nothing more than a silent flute. Although it was rumored he was just trying to save the mimes from certain death, some suspect he just wanted to target practice the Nazis without the mimes getting in the way. Mimes by nature are more colorful than Brown Shirts and therefore bullets seem to find them a lot quicker. When the Nazis caught onto the fact that our hero was making all the kill shots from the shadows of the Bavarian Forests, they immediately brought in mimes from all over Europe and ordered a circus. But in the end Hot Viking Guy brought down the Nazis, put Hitler on a train bound for nowhere, and toppled the Israeli forces who were trying to kill all the Yodelers.
There are many other examples of how our hero has foiled the agendas, plans, plots and projects of evil doers and general assholes in power. There is one particular instance where he faced a life and death situation involving a villain from Alaska who wanted to melt the North Pole, a group of angry polar bears, and a moose. After escaping an icy plunge into a military underground chamber filled with weapons and short-range missiles, he emerged like some Rambo and took out the villain using the weapons. He also calmed the polar bears by bringing them nuked salmon and the moose just went home after seeing the spectacle of it all. Things were quiet for a while until the keepers of the North Pole showed up and demanded to know where their sacred moose was and why everything was still frozen. Unbeknownst to our hero, the villain turned out to be the guy they hired to melt a pathway for the bears and moose to pass southward to join the rest of the herd.
Another incident where our hero's life was hanging in the balance was when he had to hang glide to a remote cliff-side alcove and retrieve numerous little gems called Rupees before heading back to the mountain lair where he was renting a cabin for the night. The mountain trolls followed him after he obtained the Rupees for the gnarly mountain man who had sent him on such a dangerous journey. When the trolls caught up, he had to fight his way out of the ambush and ended up with just a handful of the gems when it was over. The old mountain man then requested that he go retrieve the goose that laid a golden egg and some hideous fabric known as the Fleece.
The Mexican Standoff[edit | edit source]
The Southern border between the United States, Mexico, and Dennis Hopper's territory of Baja Jamama has always been known for chaos, fighting, and aliens (as in xenomorphs) that plague that area of the world. During the Mexican-Matrix War when rabid orcs swore to overthrow the government of the Salt Flats, Mr. Henry of L.A. who worked also for The Democratic Penguin's Republic of Antarctica called on Hot Viking Guy to help with the war efforts against the uglies. Naturally our hero would have many photo ops and magazine covers dedicated to his heroic saving of the day. But the orcs had other, more sinister plans.
When the time came for another lame attempt at getting the Mexican government (cartels) to sign a peace treaty, the orcs were summoned to pull back from their usual plundering and digging tunnels that led to the Salt Flats, to gathering their forces at Baja Jamama. They had hoped to get Dennis Hopper to aid them in shipping in tons of oil, opium, and seaweed. Naturally Hopper wasn't too thrilled with the idea of being a middleman and rebelled against the orcs and the Mexicans, who were basically all orcs by this point.
So Hopper devised a plan to ruin their tunnels leading to the Salt Flats by filling them with tons of pepper. This didn't bother the orcs so much as they were used to spicy and sneezing. Traits they picked up by being in Mexico. In this chaotic situation, Hopper, Henry of L.A. and Hot Viking Guy met secretly to lay a trap for the orcs. They came up with the dreaded project they dubbed Pink Salt. After raiding the Himalayas where all the pink salt was grown, they got busy re-routing the main tunnel to come up on a stretch of land that they covered with the pink salt. And just for good measure they set out little kiosks that sold pink things like bubblegum, balloons, and ribbons.
This would have shocked the orcs of the olden days had they emerged on quite a scene. But being of the era where these events took place, the orcs simply re-identified as Pink Orcs and adopted a pinkish lifestyle. Although they were thwarted from invading the actual Salt Flats in Nevada, New Mexico had to be renamed to the New Mordor of Morton Mexico.
The Bavarian Brute[edit | edit source]
Ve must schtart at ze beginning for dis one. Nah, let's not. Let's just cut to the chase. Our hero was hired by a crew that kept the Swiss Alps clear of yellow waxy build-up, rodents, nuclear waste, and meteors to find a rumored hideout where it was believed the ghost of a Yeti lived, lingered, whatever ghosts do, that had been chopping people's heads off. Our hero had done a thorough investigation of the legendary Cheese Ghost who long ago made Head Cheese by doing the same sort of thing, but found no trace of any Yeti ghost capable of ripping people's heads off.
There was evidence to back up other possible suspects, like Albert Einstein and William Shakespeare, and even Karl Elsener. These were all far more plausible than a Yeti ghost on a rampage. However it turned out none of this was the case. When night would come, all the yodelers were off the hills and safely locked inside their homes. Many of them fearing for the safety of their goats, also locked up the goats. But sometimes the goats would escape and run off. And to everyone's horror, by morning, the goats would be playing with somebody's head they came across in the fields and often on the slopes of the Alps. Everyone was losing their shit by this time and our hero had to find a way to stop the madness. He ventured to the wise old sage who lived on top of the Alps in a shrine made of stale pretzels. After complaining about the condition of his residence, the sage told our hero that there was indeed a Yeti going around and chopping people's heads off. But it wasn't in sight and sound so much as it was of mind. Another dimension where victims wandered into the Black Forest and encountered the monster.
More than annoyed and at his wits end, our hero informed the sage that he couldn't possibly defeat the Yeti if he had to step out of 3D and into whatever this other thing was and how was it that people were being sucked into another dimension, he wondered. The sage spoke in Rod Serling tones and metaphors, so our hero would have to wait for the Yeti to show up in 3D. He took a plane to Bavaria and flew at 20,000 feet with passengers both on the inside and outside of the plane. Naturally this opened up all kinds of weird dimensions. As luck would have it, the pilot was drunk and flew right into the dimension that held the Yeti. When the plane landed and all the passengers encountered the Yeti trying to chop their heads off, our hero used a yodel so fierce that it knocked everyone, including the Yeti into 3D. From there our savvy hero captured the Yeti who was already crippled by the yodeling, so that he could safely be transported back to Bavaria and left in a prison of stale pretzels. The people of the Alps, and from the Black Forest hailed our hero as the best yodeler, the best Mein Herr, best Yeti Slayer in Lederhosen and featured on beer steins, and the best Head Cheese who got away.
The Hula Dance Lord[edit | edit source]
All over the Pacific region, an island voodoo type of religion prevailed and our hero was called upon to calm the Wild Volcano of Doom. Traditionally, hula dancers kept the volcano's mood in a fairly calm state but someone twerked all the wrong way and out of step that the rage of the Doom was threatening to send the entire island of Hawaii to the bottom of the drink. Where the roots of the Doom went clean to the center of the earth. A place the islanders referred to as Hell or the Big Warm.
Usually when the islanders wanted to roast marshmallows, they'd ask the volcano to allow them passage to the best fire pits the earth's center could offer but things had changed over the period between 1000 AD - 1699 AD. The usual offerings to the volcano became less and less a sacrifice and more of a reason to shake one's money maker. The volcano secretly resented this. But because the islanders were good at what they do, it appeased the volcano. That is, until tourists started insisting on assisting with hula dancing lessons and accompanied the natives to the mouth of the fiery mountain. One of the tourists started dancing the Macarena and pissed off the volcano.
The islanders could only turn to our hero for help as the crew that was supposed to handle these things had been away for a three hour tour and it was getting late. When he arrived with his strong body and strong arms, the island women began welcoming our hero with flowers and each placing a lei around his neck. They tossed rose petals at his feet, small woven beads and charms, and room keys. Upon meeting with the island authorities of what to do next, they informed him that he would have to learn to dance the magic dance of the hula and the hudo. Our hero wasn't thrilled with the idea and knew that if he could get close enough to the fire's wrath without becoming toast, that he could calm the thing down.
After a week of the angry volcano threatening the island, sending nasty smoke signals, and shaking the ground, our hero finally headed to the lip of the raging inferno and tossed a couple of bags of ice into it. Grabbing a surfboard he sailed across the lava streams until the volcano took notice. It was not used to this. The confusion caused by this wore down the volcano's resolve and replaced it with bewilderment. Finally the islanders came forth with very precise dance moves and the tourists were held back in the hotels by the cleverness of our hero who promised them a top spot in the Nutcracker Ballet offering to the volcano after the first show. They fell for it. The volcano was soothed and went back to being dormant.
The tourists however, after realizing they had been had, went looking for our hero and the island authorities hastily sent him with another crew bound on a three hour tour. Giving him enough time to escape. But the weather started getting rough. Eventually he would have to return to the island and allow the tourists to carry on with their ballet routine hoping the volcano wouldn't catch on and re-awaken.
Fists of Fur[edit | edit source]
When the peaceful village of the Tibetan Temple was being shattered by a regenerating wet noodle the minks summoned our hero Hot Viking Guy to accost the menacing pasta from Italy that was on a warpath with the Tibetan minks who mocked their monks.
Upon arriving in the sweltering heat of the Tibetan Plateau, our hero met with the high priest of dragon fire who explained that there should have been snow the previous day but the dragon was on a rampage and that the screams of I'm melting! should be of no concern. After trying to reapply his make-up and giving up after two minutes, he asked to see the crime scene. The minks all cleared the main temple's chamber to reveal a horrific scene of what looked like ravioli sauce and cheesy chunks had exploded in a microwave oven. Having been used to seeing this sort of thing on a regular basis back in the states, he shrugged it off and asked the minks and high priest why they feared the entity they dubbed as the wet noodle. At first they were confused by the question, as surely the mess it had made should have been proof that it was a messy monster.
Our hero explained the magical potion of lemon, water, and vinegar at which they followed his instructions to clear the temple of the leftovers. By nightfall, the hosts had prayed a dozens times, used incense to clear the noodly energies and return to the peace and quiet they desired. But when the night wore on everyone was awakened to a high pitched strain of what sounded like a pepper grinder that needed oiled. The startled minks and the villagers, as well as our hero, all rushed to see what all the racket was and sure enough the wet noodle had returned with a vengeance. Garlic and onions were flying everywhere as the minks used butcher knives and spaghetti strainers against it. But our warrior hero had a better idea.
Using his powers, Hot Viking Guy called upon the vegan lasagna sage to grace the tables of the populace and urged everyone to give the sage a five star rating. When the wet noodle witnessed this blasphemy, it became enraged and over-boiled itself causing it to limp away. Like a wet noodle. The minks, the priest, and of course the ladies were all impressed with the strong, bronze hotness of our hero and asked if he'd stay long enough to kick the dragon's ass that was also causing them problems. For that task he just used basic martial arts and asked if the dragon could be turned into a pair of boots. The minks agreed and added fur to all the scales that they sewed into the boots to match his usual attire.
The Accursed Capsule Building[edit | edit source]
In the Year of Hell an evil lord of death emerged to keep all the seats of power intact that were won by an ancient practice of using machines controlled by vampires. A basement dweller had gathered less than a dozen people to catapult himself to the top of the food chain. An urgent call was made to Kribs and Nikola Tesla to head off the AuntieFalala and Bad Luck Manatees before the basement dweller could weld the fire escapes shut of a place called Capsule Building. The history of the Capsule Building is a very dark one and succeeded the old tower of the Dark Lord who was known as many evil things and known to wear lots of rusted metal and cumbersome head gear. The Capsule Building was mainly used to keep the orcs in power who traded in stocks consisting of humans, drugs, humans made into drugs, weapons, missiles, and really ugly shoes.
Kribs placed a call to our hero to gather his Vikings and extra horns and get to Capsule Building before the dreaded Guild showed up to keep the Spice flowing and proclaim the basement dweller as leader of all the World. Which would be made possible by AuntieFalala and the Bad Luck Manatees and of course, the orcs. Our hero gathered his fellow Vikings but asked why the Guild would have the power to place the basement dweller in any position of power when the Guild itself was said to have been blown to smithereens by a couple of hobbits. Kribs explained that the rumor was mixed up and that it was the hobbits who blew up the Dark Lord and not the Guild. Frustrated that the Guild was still floating around in space somewhere, our hero embarked on the mission to stop the basement dweller from destroying the world and welding all the fire escapes shut. He called Kribs back and questioned the reason for stopping the fire escapes from being welded shut. Surely it was a good idea to close all the orcs and the dreaded Guild inside while the Capsule was being set on fire by the Aunties and Manatees.
Kribs explained that there were still a few hobbits inside the Capsule Building, but they couldn't be located to be rescued at that time. So our hero went in to search the levels of the Capsule and as luck would have it linked up with Link, holder of the Triforce, to navigate the dungeons of the Capsule Building to find the hobbits. Also to find the dungeon map, the master key and some extra Rupees.
Realizing that stopping a basement dweller from welding fire exits shut and keeping an eye on the skies for the Guild to arrive in its container of swamp water and Tabasco sauce, would be difficult at best so our hero quickly formulated a plan. He and Link would search the underground to find the hobbits and set up a replica of the original tower of the Dark Lord so as to confuse the Aunties and scare the Manatees who were all too familiar with the monstrosity. Manatees are said to be distantly related to Gollum who had been captured by the Dark Lord previously and stripped of all his bling. The Manatees knocked over the dark tower replica and started enacting scenes from Alice in Wonderland by taking pills and eating lots of cake. Kribs called our hero back and informed him of the disaster. Running back up through the levels of the Capsule Building, our hero located the replica and duct taped it back into place. Link had followed behind, going on and on about missing a spider and needed the token from it. Upon returning to the main floor to head back to the secret underground entrance, many magazine editors stopped him and Link for photo ops. Our hero posed for pictures, sat down and let the set crew reapply his make-up, and performed the skits written by Steve Martin. When this was done, he and Link headed back to the underground levels and continued searching for the hobbits.
Our hero wondered who placed the urgent call to Kribs and Nikola Tesla in the first place. Shrugging it off, he would have never guessed that it was me. Haha. Anyway, as they progressed through the lower levels of the dungeons, they encountered the terrible boss enemy from the Fire Temple. It was a whack-a-mole type dragon that floated around inside a 350 degree oven chamber before diving back down into a strange Swiss Cheese platform only to re-emerge and start more shit. As our hero and Link battled the dragon, Kribs called again. He wanted to know if the basement dweller actually remembered to bring along his blow torch to weld anything shut with. Our hero, while dodging flames and falling rocks from the chamber's burning walls, responded with I'm kinda busy right now.
After defeating the enemies of the underground levels, our hero and Link had found the hobbits. They were, of course, having smoked ham and smoking pipeweed. So Link and our hero joined them. After they took inventory of the stores of food and leaf, they ate all the food and smoked all the pipeweed the Capsule Building was hording. Then they went back up to the main level and found that none of the exits were welded shut and no sign of the Guild. Our hero stated that this was too easy and suspected a trap. And no sooner had he mentioned this, that a trap door opened up and everyone fell into a water slide type tunnel and ended up in the horribly designed Water Temple.
To this day, no one really knows if they were able to defeat that level and slay the level's boss that was said to be a slimy appendage of an octopus that kept the entire Capsule Building firmly inside the swamp layout that was once a fiery geyser at the foothills of Mount Doom. Naturally Nikola Tesla who was all up to date on everything that happened, took all the credit for whatever it was that happened.