HowTo:Travel back in time using a cat
Most folks dream about going back in time but few know how easy and cheap it actually is to achieve. In this how-to article, you'll learn how you can travel back in time, using only a couple of readily available household items.
Theory[edit | edit source]
The easiest method to travel back in time is called the feline-toast vortex, also known as the buttered cat paradox. At the roots of the method are two well known laws of physics. The first one is the buttered toast phenomenon, which dictates that a toast buttered on one side always hits the ground buttered side down after a fall. The second law of physics involved is that a cat will always land on its feet after a fall.
These two fundamental laws of physics can be made to contradict each other right before your eyes, in a very simple, cost-efficient manner. Once set in motion, the irremediable paradox resulting from this conflict and the futile attempts from the physical world to right the wrongs will invariably create a rupture in the spacetime continuum, taking the form of a localized, static, fixed-size vortex that will automatically collapse on itself once something (in this case, you) enters it.
Shit you will need[edit | edit source]
Step 1: Grab a cat[edit | edit source]
Do not feel bad about the cat. Cats are psychopaths, freeloaders, nazis, and they don't give a shit about human beings. Elon Musk likes cats. They tend to perceive their owners as annoying, lesser cats. I'm serious: they actually look at people with contempt as if they were god's gift to the goddamned fucking world. They act like everything belongs to them and they expect you to act like it's a privilege just to bask in the glow of their presence. They'll also bite you and scratch you for no fucking reason and kill more life-worthy animals like birds. If they could, cats would vote for Donald Trump and expect america to be great again. That's how dumb they are.
Grab a cat. Any cat will do as long as it's alive. If you have a cat, use it. If you don't, check your neighborhood. There is always one or two of these little fuckers roaming around, looking for a human being to annoy or manipulate in order to get some free food. The color, sex, weight, shape, age of the cat doesn't matter as long as it's truly a cat.
Remember that, even if the method is sometimes called feline-toast vortex, you can't simply walk into Joe Exotic's (most likely) abandonned and decaying tiger 'refuge', grab a starving tiger and put butter on it. Tigers are feisty, heavy as fuck and, what's more, we don't even know if they do land on their feet after a fall. Science isn't there yet. Same thing for lion, cheetahs, lynxes, mountain lions, leopards, jaguars, or any other feline that is not a standard pet cat.
Step 2: Shave the cat's back and write on it using a permanent marker[edit | edit source]
In order to travel back in time precisely, the vortex needs to know exactly when you want to go. That's why it's imperative to inscribe it on the cat.
Using a hair clipper, shave bare one of the cat's side. Using a permanent marker, inscribe the year, month, day and hour that you want to reach onto the cat's bare skin. Try to shape letters and numbers as clearly as possible.
You also have to draw a "toast" to apply butter on. It doesn't have to be realistic and on a scale of 1:1. It can be a simple square, but try to make look like a slice of bread, as much as possible. This is not absolutely necessary, but it will improve your chances of success by making it clear that the back of the cat is meant to act as a buttered toast.
You might wonder why not just write directly onto the cat's fur. The problem with that is that fur has a tendency to move around pretty easily as soon as there is wind or movement, much like human hair. You have to account for the fact that the creation of the vortex will require the cat to be subjected to very high rotative speeds. Consequently, the writing may be rendered unreadable pretty fast as every single hair starts moving around in all directions. Of course, it all depends on the cat you're using. Some are long-haired, others aren't... and some really ugly excuses for a cat have no hair at all. What a ridiculous fucking species.
Clearing fur and writing legibly on the cat's skin ensures that there will be no confusion as to when in time you want to travel to.
Begin with the day and the month, then proceed to the year and, finally, the hour. You should use numbers only, but letters are acceptable in the case of the month.
For instance, let's say you want to go back to may the 8th, 1948 at 8:34 in the morning (be careful, because there is a catch here).
You could write the following onto the cat:
5 8 1948 8:34
WRONG! Wrong. To the eyes of most vortexes, this would mean that you want it to take you back to may the 8th, 1948. However, some vortexes may wonder which one of the two numbers in the middle is the month, and which one is the day. It'll have to make a judgment call. Accordingly, ou may end up on august the 5th, 1948 instead. That's why it's important to write the month as a word, using letters.
Furthermore, the vortex may wonder if you intend to arrive at 8:34 in morning or 8:34 in the evening. So, adding AM or PM to the hour is also important.
Hence, the writing on the cat should be made to read:
1948 MAY 8 8:34 AM
You may invert any of the elements of the date, as long as each one is stated clearly and correctly:
MAY 8 1948 8:34 AM
8:34 AM MAY 8 1948
8 MAY 1948 8:34 AM
1948 8 MAY 8:34 AM
8:34 AM 1948 MAY 8
...
Step 3: Butter the back of the cat[edit | edit source]
This is an important step, because if you let go of the cat without having put butter on it, nothing will happen. The cat will land on its feet, run away and you'll be stuck in the present like an idiot, trying to catch an annoyed cat to put butter on all over again.
Be aware that you absolutely cannot do this step if the date has not already been written on the cat's skin. There is no way of knowing when you'll end up if you skip this step. It could be billions of years ago, just a few seconds ago, or anytime in between. Make sure that you'll at least land at a place in time where cats existed for the return voyage. Try to butter the back of a motherfucking T-Rex and lift it!
Just in case, you should always bring a spare cat in a backpack, with butter and a buttering knife, already shaved and the info already written on its back. That may be your only ticket home, so be prepared! Make sure that the cat doesn't lick or eat the butter, though.
So, that being said, grab the cat and butter its back, using a butter knife. You don't need to apply too much butter. Stop when you get the feeling that it all looks like a delicious side to a healthy breakfast. Use the same motions that you would on a slice of bread.
Cats cannot be on their back and on their feet at the same time when they're on the ground, so you have to opt for the back when it comes to the buttering. If you apply butter too close to the cat's feet, you're likely to get no result at all, due to the fact that not all of the conditions required to generate a physical paradox are met in a univocal way. On a cat, the back is as an opposite location as it can be in relation to the paws. That's why it's the way to go.
Step 4: Lift the cat off the ground[edit | edit source]
When the cat has been prepared correctly, you're ready to travel back in time.
The last thing you have to do is to lift the cat off the ground. The cat must be a least 4 feet or about 1.50 meters off the ground. When you're ready to travel through time, drop it.
Step 5: Drop the cat[edit | edit source]
If every previous step was executed correctly, the cat will start to spin around at tremendous speeds while hovering in the air above the ground. That means that the physical paradox is working. The universe knows that a cat always lands on its paws, but it also has to deal with the fact that a buttered toast always lands buterred side first.
You have successfully created a situation that will perpetually contradict two unbreakable laws of the universe. There is no solution to that paradox, as far as the universe is concerned. The universe didn't think this through and is not so smug now. In just a few seconds, the rotating cat-toast will turn into a vortex which will then take the form of a portal through time, shaped like a cat's head.
Step 6: Enter the vortex and make sure that you're able to return[edit | edit source]
Some folks may want to spend their whole life in the time period where they'll end up, but most will want to come back to what constitutes their "present".
Accordingly, it's important to remember that entering the vortex will instantly make it disappear, trapping you in another time. This means that, unless you carry a spare cat, something to shave its back, a permanent marker and some butter with you, you'll have to find another cat and everything else in another time period that is probably unfamiliar to you, in order to go back to the time from which you initially departed.
What happens to the cat?[edit | edit source]
Who the fuck cares? It's a cat: it's not like it's a dog. Well, if you really want to know, when the vortex closes, the universe uses the opportunity to wipe the butter off the cat's back and make it land on its feet as if nothing weird occured. The cat will run away in a fucking panic and hide under a porch, but it will be unscathed, safe for its shaved back. 30 seconds after landing on its feet, the stupid fucking cat won't even remember what happened and it will proceed to lick its junk like an absolute disgusting moron. While the cat runs away, the universe will look over its shoulder a few times to make double sure that no one else saw what happened, and then it will walk away casually with its hands behind its back, whistling a tune, before getting back to whatever shit it was doing before you interrupted it.