HowTo:Defy the Laws of Gravity
“Easy!”
“I pity the fool who can't float in the air like Mr. T!”
Are you bored? Ever wish you could fly without paying money to have yourself stuffed in an aerodynamic container inundated with a sea of dipshits? Wish that you could join the aerial ranks of birds and spandex equipped superheros? Or maybe your sick of living on the same planet as Britney Spears? Well, this article will help you achieve all these things, and more, through the magic of anti-gravity.
What is Gravity?[edit | edit source]
Now you're probably wondering, "What is gravity?" Well, if you've paid attention in physics class, you would probably know that now wouldn't you? But don't blame yourself for your inexplicably short goldfish like attention-span, for I will grace you with the knowledge you seek.
“Who is this shithead?”
Gravity was invented by God over 4.3 billion years ago to prevent man from breaching his heavenly domain (like he has in the past). It is basically the invisible force that binds you to this barren rock planet, and the only thing that separates you from your floating aspirations. Its the force that keeps all the celestial bodies in orbit and not colliding with each other in a cataclysmic frenzy of destruction. Its also the force that allows you to consume food and effectively reproduce (with or without a partner). It keeps urine and fecal matter from soaring into your face. But most of the time, gravity is just a nuisance. THANK YOU
Courtney Ann<3
Is Defying Gravity Really Possible?[edit | edit source]
Of course, why do you think I even bothered making this article.
“Emo.”
Alright, as I was saying. Defying gravity is entirely possible and is as scientific as the art of ninjitsu.
The Risks for Defying Gravity[edit | edit source]
Ever since God invented the law of gravity, many have valiantly tried to resist his divine resolution and as a result suffered the horrific consequences. These are the people who ultimately failed in their anti-gravitational pursuits.
- Icarus and Dad (Ancient Greece):
- Method of Defying Gravity: Equipped himself with a pair of wax wings
- Result: Shot down by God's super powered heat vision
- Alladin (Islamabad):
- Method of Defying Gravity: Flying carpet
- Result: Crashed while having intercourse
- Yuan Huangtao (Ancient China):
- Method of Defying Gravity: Strapped himself to a kite
- Result: Executed for making air pollution
- Leonardo Da Vinci (Italy):
- Method of Defying Gravity: First attack helicopter in history
- Result: Shot down by God for heresy
- Adolf Hitler (Nazi Germany):
- Method of Defying Gravity: giant flammable balloon
- Result: Turned into a fireball
- Bush (United States of America):
- Method of Defying Gravity: sheer willpower
- Result: Still trying
“I can do this, OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HECK!? CHENEY HELP ME!”
“WHAT??”
Things That Have Successfully Defied Gravity[edit | edit source]
Just as many have tried to resist gravity and failed in a fiery inferno, many have succeeded in their quest to defy gravity (and survived).
- God
- Birds
- Rocks strapped to catapults
- Volcanic Alien Rock Overlords
- Dust particles
- Mr. T
- Jesus
- Barack Obama
- Chancellor Palpatine
- Asteroids
- Muhammad
- Angels
- Criss Angel
- Mothman
- The Wright Brothers
- Oscar Wilde
- Zhuge Liang
- Goku
- Astronauts
- Oxygen
- Ghosts
- Fakirs
- Airplanes
- Ninjas
- Bobba Fett
- Anything strapped to a jetpack
- Han Solo
- Tooth Fairy
- Arabs
- Jedis
- Helium
- Batman
- Will Smith
- Agent Smith
- Forrest Gump
- Megatron
- Buddha
- Chuck Norris
- Pinkie Pie
- Santa Claus
- Captain Planet
- Gordon Freeman
- Evil Knievel
- Blacks
- Gravity
- Water
- The Holy Spirit
- David Copperfield
- Ukaw-Ukaw
- Moon people
- The alien who stole my dada and Oscar Wilde's dad (sorry, dude)
- Mr. Bagel
- Elphaba Thropp
- Gravy
- Your mother
- crayon wax
- adam o brien
Methods of Defying Gravity[edit | edit source]
Still here?
“Yeah.”
“Believe It!”
“I'm listening.”
Excellent, you are coming even closer to achieving your airborne ambitions. This section will discuss the various aspects necessary for you to defy the very laws of physics. Now there are numerous ways for you to defy gravity, many of which have been tried and proven successful.
Conventional Method[edit | edit source]
What you're going to need:
- a commercial airliner
- access to a commercial airliner
What you have to do:
- buy an airplane ticket
- get on the designated airplane
- wait a few seconds
- pay outrageous prices for a pillow
Well done, you have just defied gravity.
Cheapskate Method[edit | edit source]
Effective for deadbeats and poor people.
What you're going to need:
- Speed of a cheetah
- Balls that clank
What you have to do:
- Pick an airplane
- Dash past airport security
- Get on the designated airplane
- Hide in luggage compartment
- Wait a few seconds
Well done, you have just defied gravity and been branded as a terrorist by the CIA.
Rocket Method[edit | edit source]
What you're going to need:
- A rocket
- Plenty of rope
What you have to do:
- Tie yourself to a rocket
- Hang tight as the rocket propels you into the air
- Put on your spacesuit
“Wait, WHA ASPLODE!.”
Oh, I almost forgot...
You're also going to need:
- A spacesuit
Garry's Method[edit | edit source]
What you're going to need:
- literacy
- a keyboard
What you have to do:
1) Press the ~ button
2) Type in sv_cheats 1, then sv_gravity 0
3) Jump
Well done, you have just set the earth's gravity to nothing.
“But how do I get down from here?.”
Simple, just type sv_gravity 10,000 and everything should revert back to normal.
“Oh you mean like this? SPLAT.”
*freezecam*
Chuck Norris Method[edit | edit source]
What you're going to need:
- Chuck Norris
What you have to do:
- Roundhouse kick
Congratulations, you have just destroyed gravity along with the entire universe.
Poppins Method[edit | edit source]
What you're going to need:
- Nanny's outfit
- Umbrella
- Aerokinesis
What you have to do:
- Open your umbrella
- Put on your maid's outfit
“Do I really have to?.”
Yes, now hang tight as a gust of wind carries you into the air. Good, you have just defied gravity and lost all trace of your masculinity.
Adams' Method[edit | edit source]
What you're going to need:
- Nerves of steel
What you have to do:
- Throw yourself at the ground...and miss
Buttered cat Method[edit | edit source]
What you're going to need:
- Buttered toast
- Cat
What you have to do:
- Attach buttered toast, butter side up, to cat's back
- Attach yourself to this system
- Drop yourself and the buttered toast cat
Theoretical explanation: Cats always land on their feet, and buttered toast always lands buttered side down. Thus, if you were to attach a piece of buttered toast, butter side up to the back of a cat, the system would be unable to land because the buttered side of the toast points the opposite way from the cat's feet. Since it can never land, it will defy gravity. Note that it may spin very quickly to try to have both sides point down at once, which if you are attached to it may cause dizziness.
Conclusion[edit | edit source]
Having defied the laws of gravity, you are now free to do a variety of anti-gravitational things such as:
- Flying
- Hovering
- Floating
- Save money on air travel
- Make 6 mile homeruns
- Visit the moon
- Become a superhero
- Become a supervillain
- Mess with airplane pilots
- Airhumping
- Train an army of antigravity terrorists
- Give a flying fuck
etc.
“Go my hovering minions! Go and spread our jihad across the world! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”
- Army recently shot down by U.S. Navy.
