HowTo:Fly
“I’ve trod the high untrespassed sanctity of space, put out my hand, and touched the face of God. That guy needs some zit cream, paint thinner, or something, Jesus that guy is gross!”
Flying is the process of wimping out in a game of chicken with the earth. Doing so inherently makes you a wimp. Go get a pedicure, nancy.
Learning how to fly is a very painful and hazardous fun and exciting experience that could result in serious injury fun. One should be sure to take precautions to avoid accidents and should study local ordinances for any prohibitions or limitations on low-altitude air travel.
Just go outside and jump off a freakin' building already.
The essence of flying[edit | edit source]
The essence of flying is to jump towards the ground and miss. This is a delicate process involving forgetting the ground is there during the time you were meant to hit it.
When successfully attempted, physics will look the other way and you can enjoy your airborne trip, but if gravity finds out it will promptly fix the mistake and you will go down very very fast.
Getting started[edit | edit source]
There are several material components necessary to execute a successful 4-level Flight spell. Remember that armor arcane spell failure rates are doubled for this spell.
- Aerogel
- Raccoon leaf or a Feather, or maybe a Carrot. What the hell were they thinking when they made those games?
- Paul McCartney and/or Wings
- A frilly pink parasol
Before you start flying, you need to master the flip or else you will get vertigo. Then, look for a suitable a launching point. Tall places with particularly perilous drops make the most interesting backdrops for pleasant flights. Also check your yellow pages for fields of five-foot metal spikes or bottomless pits.
Up, up, and away![edit | edit source]
Now you're probably ready to start flying! Follow these easy steps:
- Get a good running start
- Press A repeatedly! Keep it up, Timmy, you're almost there!
- What? The 3-up moon isn't there? No, keep looking.
- I swear I saw it there. Here, give me the controller.
- Hey! I said give it! Give it!
- MOOOOM! Timmy won't let me play his stupid game! He's so stupid! Stupid! STUPID!
- I don't care if you're grounding me! I hate you! I HATE YOU!
Timmy is so stupid. One time, I saw his pick his nose and EAT IT.
- Yes, I know! I like it! It's salty! Timmytiptoe 12:10, 5 Jan 2006 (UTC)
I don't even care about his stupid game. I'm gonna go play my Sega.
Ways to fly outside of a untouchable video game[edit | edit source]
An alternative way to fly is simply throw yourself at the ground and miss. Provided you haven't been thinking of impacting the ground, your body will have been tricked into floating upwards, creating lift. Had you been thinking of impacting the ground, the momentary formation of a black hole would occur, thereby sucking you down to the ground and turning you into a bitch an
Caution[edit | edit source]
The Surgeon General has determined that flying may cause cancer in California. Pregnant women are immune to damage caused by flying. I think. Care to test this?