Holy Cheese
“It's the CHEESIEST.”
From the dawn of time, cheese has been cultivated for use among all humankind. The French were the first to do so, eventually building up a large cheese empire that has subsequently been conquered by any occasionally passing army. But throughout time, the Christian religion contributed the arguably[1] greatest addition to the bourgeoning cheese family. Religious legend holds Holy Cheese as an object of such importance as to be compared with the holy grail. The Holy Cheese is a gorgonzola which is aged for 15 years in the Caves of Gesthemane. The first Holy Cheese was made by Jesus Christ Himself from the milk of a virgin red heifer—a miraculous origin indeed, as virgin cows do not naturally lactate. Thus the Hand of God, the All-Milking Dairyman, moved with mystery and majesty in the creation of this cheese. The holy gifts of this amazing cheese include but are not limited to flight, laser eye beams, and a potential Get Out of Heck Free card.[2] The crafty European, recognizing its promise, has utilized these properties of holy cheese many times throughout history, and holy cheese has been credited for the start of the Crusades and both World Wars, among others. Today, holy cheese is a prized possession for those who own it, though not used for warfare as much as in times past.
The studies of Holy Cheese
The origin of Holy Cheese remained shrouded in mystery to the Gentiles, possibly due to the fact that the Bible makes no references to the existence and appearance of Holy Cheese. However, one daring man obtained a wedge of the sacred foodstuff and commenced with studying it. Yet, the studies on Holy Cheese were performed by the leader of the infamous "Cheddar Society," and therefore a certain amount of bias is included and cannot be taken seriously. The writer of the studies and leader of the secret society was one Bob, who led the Cheddar Society at its height of influence. Over the course of five years, Bob observed Holy cheese and its correlation to the moon. His groundbreaking studies came up to this astonishing conclusion: Holy Cheese came from the moon. His radical views were offensive to the Catholic and Protestant Churches and were contested constantly. However, recent scandal in the Cheddar Society shows that Mr. Bob was on crack during his studies, and his radical theories were discarded, to the delight of the Pope and other assorted religious figures.
Another Legend of Holy Cheese
In religion, Holy Cheese has played a prominent role, especially in the Catholic Church. From the creation to Scientology to the Pope himself, Holy Cheese has always been there. He even has a saint named after him, Saint Jarlsberg. In fact, more people pray to the hallowed guardian of Holy Cheese than the Virgin Mary. Needless to say, many different ideas of the origin of holy cheese sprang up. Contrary to mainstream Christianity, Mormon legend has it that when Joseph Smith was fourteen, he came to a grove with some cheese in his knapsack for lunch. When Joseph prayed, an angel came down in a vision and blessed the cheese. Joseph converted other followers and they trekked to Utah amid mob violence. The originally blessed holy cheese was taken back up into heaven until the time when the world was worthy to receive it again.
The Cheddar Society
Until late into the 17th century, not many people had even heard of Holy Cheese. However, a clandestine group of individuals led by Bob had dedicated their lives to the study, worship, and education of the people regarding Holy Cheese. They called themselves the Cheddar Society. Unfortunately, not many people were interested in a secret society about a cow's excess lactate that had been curdled for a bit. To make the Cheddar Society more marketable, Mr. Christ hired TV personality Chester Cheetah and a bunch of 12-year-old ghetto hoochies to do commercials on television, even though it had not been invented yet. The success of the Cheddar Society was astounding. Not only did it receive worldwide recognition as a laudable and brilliant effort, it also overflowed its member capacity. The gigantormous amount of new members clogged the Society's secretiveness, and in 1802, the Society finally collapsed. Although traditional views place the Society as a groundbreaking thrust into the realm of everything good and true, recent philosophers came to doubt the purity of the Society's intentions. Detective work uncovered earth-shaking sex scandals involving Mr. Christ, two tubs of a cheese fondue in a jacuzzi, a rubber band ball filled with crack cocaine and a rhesus monkey. The revelation destroyed what was left of Bob's credibility and heartbroken, he retired to the country to become a philosopher, taking with him the rubber band ball and the chimp.
Holy Cheese in relation to History
Holy Cheese has been utilized by many people and armies throughout history for conquering and pillaging, which, ironically, goes against all Holy Cheese stands for. Some great examples of these military endeavors are:
The Crusades
At the turn of the century, Pope Suburban II realized a problem. On his vacation to Jerusalem, he had left behind his suitcase, filled with all his super Pope gear. He immediately called all Europe to war against the infidel customs agents who had detained his suitcase and forgotten to send it back. Needless to say, Christians were outraged and prepared for war. Just before the invasion, the Pope met with the Crusader generals to give them something that would provide an edge: Holy Cheese. Each of the generals used Holy Cheese to great effect in the Crusades. However, the generals lost favor in the eyes of Holy Cheese when it saw the infidels' pimped-out rides. Believing that Holy Cheese had abandoned them, (and it had), the Crusader generals committed suicide. Pope Suburban tried to reclaim his lost luggage again in the Second Crusade, but was defeated again. And once more in the Third Crusade. And again. Finally, after the Twenty-Sixth and Three Eighths Crusade failed, Pope Suburban gave up.
World War 2
In WWII, Adolf "Chuckles" Hitler used Holy Cheese to come out of heck free long enough to take power in Germany. There he used more Holy Cheese to fly over to France and eye-beam them into surrender. (Actually, Hitler's awesomeness and the French's general wimpiness caused the surrender.) After his conquest, Hitler celebrated in ways that are not appropriate for this article. After his raucous celebration, "Chuckles" unfortunately ate the cheese. To his surprise, it tasted like provolone. Taste aside, Hitler had lost his powers. Realizing his mistake, he took the train back to Berlin, got his mistress, Eva Braun, and committed suicide. Despite what happened to the Third Reich and Nazis in Germany, some die hard cult followers fled to Argentina to resurrect Hitler. However, their efforts are still a work in progress.
The Zulu Wars
In the Zulu Wars of 1812, the soldiers in the British army used Holy Cheese to great effect. The eye beams allowed by Holy cheese gave the 4 million Negro thugs wearing loincloths a swift kick up the rear by frying them into KFC. Experts say that the reason blacks enjoy fried chicken so much is that it reminds them of their cannibalistic days in Africa. Why they like watermelon is unclear. Although half of the Brits died in the Zulu Wars, the white man was victorious, continuing an age-old tradition of White Supremacy that exists today.
Is the Holy Cheese Racist?
After the Zulu Wars, whiny wetbacks asked a penetrating question:
“Con huevos?”
The question was answered by Oscar Wilde in 1963, and remains the standard for the Cheddar Society's beliefs.
“Holy cheese is an intelligent entity. It does not and never will associate with common eggs. Furthermore, Holy cheese is not racist against wetbacks, although it likes whites better.”
How to Make Holy Cheese
Holy Cheese, though difficult to cultivate and store, is one of the world's greatest powers.[3] Those who can grow Holy Cheese are sure to have many powers far greater than the average n00b. However, there is no sure way to make it. Only a slightly burned, crumpled recipe has been found, in the mountains of Tibet. Elvis, the discoverer, died shortly after, apparently assassinated. He now lives on a tropical island in the South Pacific with Tupac and George Washington. Here is the recipe as it was found in 1492.
Enemies of Holy Cheese
Holy cheese, while powerful, is not immune to certain forces. These other evil entities are sworn enemies of Holy Cheese, and the battle rages on.
Flamethrowers
Flamethrowers have always been a bane to Holy Cheese, melting away the sanctification surrounding it. Fire is the one true enemy of Holy Cheese. When exposed to fire, most often over a stove, holy cheese immediately loses all of its magical and holy powers. It melts into nothing more than a tasty cheese fondue.
A mouth
Duh. Eyes see cheese. Mouth eat cheese. No more cheese.
See also
Footnotes
 |
The 12 Fundamental Cheesess | |||
Holy*
| ||||
| *Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese | ||||
| The 3 Noble Cheeses | ||||
| *Also known as "Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta" | ||||
