Cupboard

“This article is gayer than the French. Stick with Cupboarding: the original and the best.”

~ Wise person the second on This article

“This article is a bit gay. One that is lots better is this: Cupboarding”

~ Wise person on This article

“Ahhh...I remember my first ever cupboard...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Cupboarding

“Most of them are big enough for my underwear.”

~ Michelle McManus on Cupboards

“Aaah chii toi hoi aah maa toi toi soi toi choi.”

~ Mr. Chi Hoi Moi on Cupboards

An erect cupboard.

Central Universal Professional Bearer Of All Resident Dress, or CUPBOARD, is the name given to the facility used in one's residence to store their items of wear, and anything else they may want to store. In some American states CUPBOARDS are referred to as CLOSETS - Closed Little Opening Saving Everyone's Things and Stuff, however these states are under investigation.

Cupboards should not be confused with fridges.

Cupboards in the Media

The CIA (Cupboard Intelligence Agency) has long been perplexed over the cupboards capacity to accommodate well over an infinite number of items inside it's barriers, making it the most practical use of space in the world.

There is only one thing that can't be stored in a cupboard - another cupboard. To try and fit one cupboard into another would create a vortex that would rip through the fabric of both time and space. Please wear safety goggles if attempting this. The contents of both cupboards would be lost to eternity; scientists believe they would be deposited in some kind of deposit.

Construction

An experienced cupboard tree harvester.

It is a common wives tale that cupboards are constructed by piecing together pieces of flattened wood. However this is only partly true. They are made from wood, yes, but not flattened, because wood cannot be weighed, shaped or formed, in any way, shape or form, without harnessing the forces of space and time and marijuana.

Instead, cupboards are harvested from cupboard trees (cupboardus cupboardus), found on the outskirts of London, Kuala Lumpa, Umpa Lumpa, Hong Kong, Moscow, and Frinton-on-Sea. In their natural habitat they look like normal cupboards, but have trees going out from the top of them. This is undesirable to most, so the trees are swiftly cut off before people lay eyes on them and die, taking care not to damage the cupboard beneath. The waste trees are thrown over the mexican border, and the precious cupboards are safely transported to the factories to be distributed freshly - to you and me!

Off the shelf, cupboards cost around 20-30p, accounting for cupboardial variation between businesses, as getting them down risks the customer's life. Situated safely on the floor a good cupboard will sell for anything between $100 and $100,000,000 for benchline and top of the range cupboards respectively.

Cupboards In History

A cupboard's brain.

In the bible, Noah's Ark was a form of cupboard. Several cupboard tree fruits were fused together for it's special construction.

Shakespeare grew up in a cupboard and wrote the majority of his earlier plays on the inside of it with his tongue, before realising the quality of his work. He then shredded the cupboard into a million sheets of paper using his toenails, which he used to write some of his best work on.

George Bush was conceived and born in a cupboard. To this day he uses cupboards to escape his busy office for times of relaxation, or to conduct his most secret meetings in.

In neanderthalic times cupboards were used as, literally, cup boards. Cavewomen would de-robe, lay their bras on the board, and wait until a male, on inspecting the current spread of bras on the board, liked the look of her bra. He would pick it up, wave it in the air, and shout for the owner of the bra. She would then come forward to meet her lifetime partner. This method is still used today.

Upon realising there was no use for cupboards in modern society, the Tudors successfully used cupboards as the first old people's homes.

Through the processes of evolution, cupboards started out life as caves. They evolved into nooks, crannies, holes, tunnels, sheds, Jade Goody's mouth, and finally cupboards. On the 7th of October 2011 cupboards are expected to evolve into another superior form .

Facts and Trivia

Artist's impression of what the cupboard could evolve into. Note glossy coat and circular brain.

• The cupboard shares 65% of the same genes as a mongoose.
• Some cupboards have the ability to get up and move around at will, these are called 'walk-in cupboards'.
• A cupboard's handles are actually it's genetallia, hence the phrase 'love handles'.
• Nothing can be stored outside a cupboard, only inside. When they are full, cupboards glow red.
• In Nebraska it is still illegal to store anything in your cupboard on a Sunday.
• The cupboard is an element so can be found in the periodic table - under transition metals, named Cu: atomic number 28, gas at room temperature, reacts violently with oxygen.
• Cupboards can not be seen in the dark.
• Cupboards were discovered in 150BC, around the time when Christopher Columbus discovered the edge of the world.
• Every cupboard's name is George, whether it is male or female. It can be sexed by looking at the handles.
• Cupboards became an endagered species since their extinction in 1992.
• If something is stored in a cupboard for more than five lightyears, it becomes absorbed by the cupboard through osmosis.
• Cupboards are the most valuable commodity in the world, second only to grass.
• Some religious sects believe cupboards will overthrow the government in the next 2000 years.
• Cupboards are mammals, and belong in the same family as tadpoles.
• The number of hinges on a cupboard's door denote it's age, and number of girlfriends.
• Cupboards have been seen congregating in large groups to govern their territories, hence the name a 'cupboard' of governers.
• When anyone says 'Bloody Mary' a cupboard dies.
• The word cupboard comes from the latin for 'dwarf house', however most dwarves live ontop of cupboards.
• A male antelope lives for 3000 years, the same as a cupboard.
• The Redwood tree is the largest in the world, growing up to 9 metres - the average height of a cupboard.

Further reading

• Cupboards in the community - social implications discussed
• Am I a cupboard? - clinical characteristics
• European Cupboards - a comprehensive pocket guide
• The politics of cupboards
• Why cupboards make bad eyeballs - available in braille only.
• Cupboards - then and now
• Cupboards vs. George Bush - who will prevail?
• A simple black and white guide to cupboards - now in colour
• The science behind cupboards
• "A cupboard murdered my son"
• Cupboards in distress - how to help
• Locked in a cupboard? Escape now with this free guide!
• How to stay safe in a world full of cupboards.
• Everything you'll ever need to know about cupboards - third edition.
• Why should cupboards be exempt from taxation? Tony Blair answers your questions.
• Old mother Hubbard - the founder of cupboards