Cupboarding
“What's cupboarding?!”
“Ooooh!! A DESK!!!”
“Cupboarding eh? So that's what they call it these days....”
“Civilization never stands still; if in one country it is falling back, in another it is changing, evolving, becoming more complicated, bringing fresh experience to body and mind, breeding new desires, and exploiting Nature's cupboard for their satisfaction.”
“No! I shall not submit to such cupboardry!...Oh, alright then, just a quick go...”
“Cupboarding:the place to go for all your cupboard related needs”
“Mmmmmmm...Cupboarding....”
“I just... followed my instincts, faced my fears, and climbed inside”
“The only reason I came out of the closet was to go into the cupboard...”
Rather like the American game, seven minutes in heaven, Cupboarding involves casual sex with any number of participants (boys, girls, grues) in a cupboard and is a popular hobby in all boy independent schools across the UK.
It is not known when or where cupboarding originated, but in recent years it has proven popular among the gay, homeless, homeless and gay and closeted communities.
It is possible the phrase "cupboard love" stems from the act of cupboarding, as in cupboarding circles, everyone gives and everyone gets.
Although cupboarding has little to do with cheese-smuggling, the two are often associated. We should make a tester for that.
Cupboarding In All Its Forms[edit | edit source]
Not only is cupboarding a popular sport and hobby, it is also a state of being, a religion, an obsession, a national instituion and above all a catering company. Intelligent use of cupboarding has been known to increase happiness levels, raise grades, and even solve international conflicts.
In recent times cupboarding as a sport and hobby has resulted in the development of new and alternate variations. For example, desking is possibly the most common and well-known, substituting a cupboard for a desk, as well as some other minor details. In essence the two are similar, though not to be confused. Other such denominations include grassing and treeing, while in Sweden, the correct term is boff-boffing. The reason for this is Ikea;they stole all the wood in Sweden to make flat-pack furniture, rendering the nation unable to create a single cupboard.
Although the supermarket chain Tesco has been blamed for propelling Hitler into prostitution, it can also be credited with the birth of P.E.T.S. Like any good acronym, P.E.T.S (Pump Enhanced Tesco Sex) has a strong link to sexual encounters in areas accessed by the public.
It began in late 2006, when, frustrated by the abundance of flat-pack cupboards which never made it out of the box, a mixed group of teenagers, divorcees and pensioners-possibly with the odd paedophile thrown in for good measure-decided to engage in cupboarding each other within the confines of a Tesco photo booth. You know the ones I mean-those unnecessarily large, blindingly shiny boxes that unsuspecting victims stroll into in pursuit of the legendary "flattering passport photo".Three flashes and £4.50 later, they are never to be seen again...
Anyway, despite the flimsy curtain and the stool, which kept getting in the way, everyone involved had a jolly good time. The thing was, after going at it for the best part of sixteen hours (it was a Tesco Extra,open 24 hours. Like your mum.)the men couldn't stand to attention anymore. A few tears were shed (by the men), but thankfully, after going to the customer service desk and searching through the kitchenware section, one of the cupboarders, who shall remain nameless for legal reasons, managed to procure a penis pump.
Oh go on then. It was Jesus. But I'm not telling you which one.
The pump was passed around the group, as one would pass around a joint or a goat and before you could say "Jesus uses a penis pump", they were at it again. The addition of the pump lead to the naming of P.E.T.S, which until then had been referred to as The Second Coming.(sorry.cheap joke)
After eleven days, during which two of the pensioners died and one of the paedophiles got,er,'"distracted", that particular bout of P.E.T.S came to an end. Since then P.E.T.S has been enjoyed in Tesco stores across Britain, and other supermarkets are starting to catch on, creating P.E.A.S (Pump Enhanced Asda Sex) and the like.
Cupboarding In Society[edit | edit source]
Cupboarding has proved controversial in various social groups, but fortunately acceptance is slowly growing throughout. There was a time many years ago in which such an act was heavily frowned upon, even though evidence suggested the majority of the population had in fact
participated, only choosing to keep what happened behind closed doors behind closed doors. Literally. However, in recent times (particularly 2006-7) cupboarding has proved somewhat of a phenomenon amongst all age-groups and species. Worldwide amateur cupboarders are proudly walking out of their chosen cupboard, heads held high, to a round of applause and confetti throwing from any experienced cupboarders standing by - one every three seconds. Statistics have shown that as the cupboarding population has grown, so has the level of happy people in the world, showing a direct correlation between the two. In light of this, local politicians have been forced to accept the cupboarding nature of their constituants, catering for their needs in proposed manifestos and on the occasion joining them for a spot of cupboarding during important publicity events. It has also been proved that cupboarding as a state of being - a means of classification, has spread, numbers of bullies has decreased, having taken on the motto "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." Cupboarding in today's world is now encouraged, for the good of generations to come.
Interestingly, it has recently been suggested that cupboarding is an innate primal instinct. Observe a young child: it is almost certain that, when faced with a closed cupboard, said child will feel compelled, nay, obliged, to open the cupboard door. Instinctively, the child will do one of three things:
- Remove objects from the cupboard (if it is full)
- Place their own objects inside the cupboard (if there is space)
- Attempt to climb inside the cupboard (regardless of whether or not there is space.)
A child will place objects belonging to themselves within the cupboard, in order to feel more at one with it. Usually the object is a toy: a ball, or a book, for instance. On rare occasions, children have been known to become overwhelmed by the cupboarding instinct, and have marked their territory in less appealing ways, urinating, and even defecating inside. This appears to be a very effective means of territorial protection, and few attempt to use the cupboard for anything else after this occurs.
Side-Effects[edit | edit source]
One can spot a cupboard user in several ways. Sure signs that someone has just left a cupboard include:
- messy hair and clothes
- unusual happiness or delirium
- whistling/humming
- obsession with grues
- obsession with chips
- leading people the wrong way round one-way systems
- creepy laughter
- the incessant flicking of one's hair
- the constant rubbing of one's hands
- closing curtains
- stunted growth
An experienced drug eater will recognise these signs as they are also some of the side effects of eating too many drugs (not to be confused with taking too many drugs).
Cupboarding songs[edit | edit source]
To date, an official cupboarding anthem has not been composed, nor an existing song nominated, but there are several records that hint at what is fast becoming a universal addiction:
- The Open Door-Evanescence
- God Is In The Cupboard-Xanni
- Old Mother Hubbard Went To The Cupboard-unknown
- Cats In The Cupboard-Empty Glass (leaning slightly towards beastiality, there)
- Rumble Young Man Rumble-Juelz Santana
- Secret Love-S Club 7
- They Don't Understand-Dream Street
- Quickie-TLC
- Wham Bam-Aerosmith
- Dirty Little Secret-The All-American Rejects
- Must Get Out-Maroon 5 (during a negative cupboarding experience)
- Love Shack-The B-52's
- All By Myself-Jamie O'Neal (one of the many variations on cupboarding)
- Already Over-Orson (someone's a quick finisher...)
- Love Walked In-Thunder ('love' = the spouse)
- I Know I'll Never Leave-The Zutons
- You Are All I Have-Snow Patrol (on their cupboard)
- Shut de door-Randy Stonehill
- Open Minded-W'S
- Trapped in the Closet-R Kelly
- Knocking on Heaven's Door-Bob Dylan
- Pump it-Black eyed Peas (for fans of P.E.T.S)
- Never Be Lonely-The Feeling (for group cupboarders)
- NeverAgain-Justin Timberlake (you must remember, cupboarding isn't for everyone)
- Two Receivers-Klaxons (multiple orifices+multiple partners=multiple pleasure)
- It's Not Over Yet-Klaxons/Grace (a pump is unearthed at the eleventh hour)
- My Brain Is In The Cupboard, Above The Kitchen Sink-Alien Sex Fiend88
- Trapped In The Cupboard-MadTV
- Coat Of Many Cupboards-XTC
- Boom! Shake The Room-Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince
For a visual example of cupboarding, see Green Wing series two, episode seven.
Alternatively, pop down to Bristol and ask for Mr. Phillipson.Lovely chap.