Chimpanzee
| Chimpanzee | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Scientific classification | |
| Domain | Eukaryote |
| Kingdom | Animal |
| Phylum | Chordate |
| Class | Mammal |
| Order | African |
| Family | Ooga Booga |
| Tribe | Vidupoofaceno |
| Genus | Richie Trang |
| Species | Chimp |
| Binomial name | |
| African-American | |
| Specifications | |
| Primary armament | 1d8+4, bite |
| Secondary armament | 1d6+4, 2 claws |
| Power supply | Rage |
| Health | 41 |
| Mana | 20 |
| Strength | 18 |
| Intelligence | 7 |
| Weight | Male 40–70 kg (88–154 lb) Female 27–50 kg (60–110 lb) |
| Length | 120–150 cm (3'11 – 4'11) |
| Special attack | armpit hair lasso |
| Conservation status | |
| Endangered but loves his/her steak medium rare | |
“bIG fLABby cHImP sKIn AbSOluTE faRT”
“Oooh, Chimpanzee that!”
“So there was this lil’ chimp radio producer, righ’?”
“I’d rather be the one to lead chimps to evolution than to be the one to lead humans to world peace.”
“I once went to White Castle and ate an entire burger through a straw. That was one of the darkest times of my life.”
“Hey look at me, I’m the biggest faggot in the world and can’t stop bragging about the only thing I have, which is my parents’ money LOL.”
“I thought I was a normal chimp, then I found out I liked the OTHER type of banana ...”
Chimpanzees, or "chimps", are magical carnivorous herbivores able to generate electricity between their toes. They are also smarter than George W. Bush. Even though gremlins evolved from chimps (yes evolution is cute and real) humans both fear and loathe both to this day. Most chimps have gone into hiding in fear of the great wave of Aquaman. To the delight of humans, the land is free to pollute without fear of solicitation by the chimps.
Commonly mistaken for their larger cousins in the film Gorillas in the Sierra Mist, chimps are rather more like that clever hairy kid from the Guinness book of records. They master basic tools and sign language embarrassingly faster than most human children, and the Bible clearly states that God loves chimpanzees more than Man.
Also adept using their feet to peel bananas, fix fuel lines on Bedford trucks and masturbate, chimps are possibly the cleverest multi-tasking entity on the planet. They can even fly and predict the future quite accurately.
Chimpanzees – particularly their feet – are an important ingredient of Kraft Cheese, and are the perfect complement to a warm summer's day. Chimps also control the US government, due to the presence of George Bush and Dick Cheney.
History[edit | edit source]
Lucy Fox was brought up as a human with a lot of hair but soon realised she was different and liked bananas ...
New residence[edit | edit source]
Once in America the chimps decided to forget their battle with Atlantis. Many decided to sign up for the military, others decided to join a club. The military chimps were never deployed to combat, consistently failing the toothbrush combat test. The chimps that joined the club were required to infuse their bodies into one, the club didn't have enough room for that many new members. This fusion created a new super-chimp called Storm. The club was none other than the X-Men. The military chimps were written to every day by Storm. The letters offended the military chimps; none really cared to hear of her triumphs in the use of the toothbrush they could not master.
Transportation[edit | edit source]
Military chimps often choose to ride in the glove departments of Volkswagen Minivans. The chimp called Storm prefers to ride a bicycle into town to purchase berries for the X-Men to eat. On one occasion, Storm rode her bicycle to the military base and kidnapped the military chimps. The chimps were released into the frozen landscape called Africa. To their surprise, this was the renaming of Atlantis.
Another setback[edit | edit source]
The new Atlantians (called Africans now) decided to get their own revenge on the chimps for the past war. The Africans captured the chimps and injected them with a disease called AIDS (Annoying Idiot Destroying Sickness). The chimps raced to find a cure, they had nowhere left to go. The Africans had not planned on what the chimps did next. The chimps infected many of the inhabitants of the country with this disease. Now the Africans were ironically stuck with what they hoped to curse the chimps with. The Africans turned to America for help, there was no cure in sight. With a loss of hope, the Africans sent the chimps back to America for safekeeping. The American citizens were unsure what to do with these creatures so they were sent to Hawaii to relax on the beach.
Current situation[edit | edit source]
Recalling that Storm (also known as Orororo Rollo Ho-oh Munroe) was once six chimps, the X-Men banished her from their club. Feeling lonely and unwanted Storm rode her bicycle to Hawaii to be with her old comrades. The chimps accepted her as Hawaii had accepted them. A new team was formed here known as The Bacon Brothers. There was no relation to Kevin Bacon's band. No known cure exists for AIDS but the Bacon Brothers search the coral that washes up on the beach for food. Thus hoping that the coral food will contain a mystical mood-ring to cure the disease. On one occasion, the creator of Star Wars, Ronald Reagan, found the Bacon Brothers and asked them to be in a movie he was creating. With the money the team earned they purchased an invisible television from a man standing at the end of the street. This new item brought them many years of enjoyment up until they realized that they had been horribly ripped off. Sadly, this was twenty years later and the team was already dead from the AIDS disease. This left Storm, who was perfectly fine. She moved to Hollywood and became a model for a textile business. Her other achievements were causing Hurricane Katrina and co-writing the pilot episode for Rugrats.
The Southern Baptist Church[edit | edit source]
The official stance of the Southern Baptist Church is that the chimpanzee doesn't exist, and even if'n it did, it ain't related to humans in any way. The explanation is that a bunch of liberal god-haters got together one day and decided to make up an animal that would disprove the Word of the Lord as written in the Holy Bible. They site as proof that no photo of a chimp shows them going to church, which is what real human beings do.
Chimps eat people[edit | edit source]
There have been many attacks in Uganda by chimpanzees against human children; the results are usually fatal for the children. This is largely because chimps mistake human children[1] for the western red colobus (Piliocolobus badius): one of their favorite meals.[2] The dangers of careless human interactions with chimps are only aggravated by the fact that many chimps perceive humans as potential rivals,[3] and by the fact that the average chimp has over five times the upper-body strength of a human male.[4] As a result virtually any angered chimp can easily overpower and potentially kill even a fully grown man, as shown by the attack and near death of former NASCAR driver Saint James Davis in where two angry chimps chomped off his nose, ears, lips, both testicles, six fingers, a foot, and an eye.[5][6] In 1995 the most famous modern chimp ate the pancreas of a three-year-old after molesting him.
Bonobos[edit | edit source]
These weird little buggers used to be considered a sub-variety of chimpanzee, but thanks to a successful public relations campaign run by the J. Walter Thompson agency they now are classified as a separate species of their own. They look a lot like people, and love to screw. They can't seem to get enough sex. Additionally, they enjoy all kinds of stadium sports, including both Europoidian and American football.
Ability to speak[edit | edit source]
Chimpanzees originally captured parrots and used them to talk to humans. Then Stephen Hawking gave them all voice synthesizers so now they are all physicists and write books.
The article could be improved by reading it upside-down, or something, I dunno. Did you know it's impossible to lick your own elbow? Unless you're some kind of freak.
- All the Tusken Raiders in Star Wars were played by chimps.
- Chimps' favorite food is Frankenberry cereal, even though they've never actually opened a box.
- It is against the chimps' beliefs to open anything that is closed, which explains why they had resided on a beach.
- Aquaman once scared the chimps into hiding under a desk.
- Storm is the only chimp to have a name, and she's also the best-known.
- Chimps do in fact have the ability to fuse together when the situation presents itself.
- A copy of a Bacon Brother's Band CD has a tribute to the chimp Bacon Brothers.
- Chimps are one of the few animals to use tools – including rocks, branches, and Craftsman 9.5-volt heavy-duty cordless drills.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Poop throwing monkeys
- George Bush
- Black People
- Pansexuality
- Chimps
- Idiotic Table of the Elements
- Chimp out
- Monkey Illuminati
- HowTo:Fly a chimpanzee
- Charlie Sheen
References[edit | edit source]
- It's legit. Serious.