HowTo:Fly a chimpanzee

Make sure you find the right chimpanzee.

Flying a chimpanzee is definitely one of the hardest things you could ever hope to undertake. While the hardest part is getting the chimp to actually want to fly, you will also encounter troubles such as getting a chimp in your possession, finding a nice open space where people will not call the cops on you and surviving if the chimp decides to savage you.

This guide will discuss the landing, take-off and flight methods you should use to ensure maximum safety and enjoyment when flying your chimpanzee. The first thing you will have to do is ensure that you are wearing your helmet. It is very dangerous to fly chimps if you are not wearing safety gear. For maximum safety, try having a parachute with you as well.

Take-Off

The standard take-off position for a chimp is the chimp lying flat on the ground, with his/her legs kept together and his/her arms by his/her sides. You should now sit on the chimp, positioned on the chimp's lower back, with you legs over the chimp's shoulders. You should hold the chimp's arms like handrails. However to actually get the chimp to take off, you must use all of your willpower and strength and imagine you and the chimp soaring through the air together. If the chimp also wills for this to happen, the magical bond of Schimpansen Flug will occur and the chimp will lift off. To propel itself the chimp will kick its legs as if it swimming the breaststroke, so do not be alarmed when this happens.

Flight

The physical health of both you and your chimp must be taken into consideration.

While you are in the air with your chimp (if of course you get that far) you should never take your hands off the chimp's arms, as wind resistance, inertia and gravity will lead to you falling off the chimp to your probable demise. To bank the chimp (turn it), you simply lean the direction you want to turn. If you want to rise in height, lean back and pull the chimp to point up. If you want to descend, then lean forward and push the chimp to point down. To maintain a constant flight then do not lean at all. If you want to increase speed, click your heels together. If you want to slow down, smack the chimp's arms against its body and it will decrease in speed.

Landing

While taking off and flight may seem difficult, the real challenge comes in making the chimp land safely. To land the chimp safely, you must decrease its speed to 10km/h, and then you must descend very slowly and very gently. You may want to have landing gear installed on your chimp before you fly, as landing is very difficult without it. When you have become a professional pilot you can attempt a landing-gear-free landing, but otherwise, do not even think about it. Come down gently and when you make contact with the ground, start smacking the chimp's arms against its body as fast as you can to decelerate it. The chimp will roll slowly to a stop, and it is now safe to dismount.

We at ChimpFlyers Inc® hope that this guide can help provide you with the right techniques to ensure maximum safety and enjoyment when your are flying you chimp. Thank you.