Tusken Raiders
“Sand-people easily scare, but they'll soon be back, and in greater numbers.”
“Sand niggers, they're everywhere!”
“They're not so bad, you know, just a bit misunderstood.”
“Emperor Palpatine doesn't care about Sand People.”
“I'll pit The Bears against them anyday and win.”
“Don't go waving the white flag, they'll just strangle you with it!”
Tusken Raiders: An Introduction[edit | edit source]
Tusken Raiders are the scourge of the planet Tatooine. Easily swayed by their primitive emotions, they are violent predators living across much of the landscape of said planet. They were a nomadic people whose starship crashed on Tatooine many centuries ago. Since this time, they have become a nomadic, predatory people, preying on the simple settlers of Tatooine, stealing their food, technology, and worse yet, their mortal souls.
Hey, ho! Just kidding there! They don't actually steal anybody's food.
Where they live[edit | edit source]
In the vast deserts of Tatooine, but primarily in the Jundland Wastes.
Randall Graves, a known fan of Tatooine and the entire galactic system, had this to say about the Tusken Raiders and their home:
“This town is full of savages!”
They do not seem to have any permanent living structures, just small huts to keep them safe from the insanely commonly tsunamis, for which Tatooine is known.
Why they're so angry[edit | edit source]
Just before they acclaimed success in the movie "Star Wars" they were featured in a high budget film called "Romancing the Tusken". The film, directed by Kermit the Frog, and released in 1932, had outstanding graphics for the time. No really, it was the first film to use a CGI effect...
Unfortunately a film called "My Failures" by John Keats came out and was heavily favoured by the critics for its true life experience of depression and its realistic depiction of death. Due to this, the main line film with its unrealistic "Happiness" never rose to filmographic success.
Why they dress funny[edit | edit source]
Uhm, blistering hot, desert sun, hello?
Why they startle so easily[edit | edit source]
It's a widely accepted notion that the Tusken Raiders are easily startled ever since the Great Raid of the Gaffies. During this raid which lasted over 24 days every single Gaffy stick was removed from the Gaffy factories on Tatooine. Rendering the Tusken Raiders Gaffystickless for over 2 years. However warning must be heeded. While they do startle easily, they usually come back, and in greater numbers.
What they eat[edit | edit source]
Tusken Raiders are known to subsist off of bantha meat, bantha fodder, small desert mammals, sand, babies, lemons, grapes, caviar and tuna.
History of the Tusken Raiders[edit | edit source]
The Early Years[edit | edit source]
1. Spaceship go *boom*.[1]
2. Spaceship crash into planet.
3. People die.
4. Some people don't.
5. People that die build cities.
6. People that don't die get buried.
Footnotes[1][edit | edit source]
1. Boom - a noise like an explosion.
Footnotes[1][edit | edit source]
1. Technically, it should be "footnote", because there is only one.
Footnotes[1][2][edit | edit source]
1. Technically, it should be "footnote", because there is only one.
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
1. Technically, it should be "footnote", because there is only one.
2. This is getting boring.
The Mid-Years[edit | edit source]
The Tusken Raiders started off as a Pee-Wee football team (American, not Terran), two-hundred-and-fifty years ago. Known for their brutality on the field, they were eventually forced to disband by local league officials, after a small Rodian child was decapitated AND eviscerated during a game. Their anger at the local league was the nail in the proverbial coffin: a coffin which contained a long list of complaints, including a much-debated and highly-controversial new law about picking-up-after-your-Bantha.
The Tusken Raiders immediately started packing up their lush belongings and left the cities. They quickly became nomadic outlaws, living on the outer edge of society, looking in. Hiding from the law wherever the law existed (which is, admittedly, very few places on Tatooine), and shunning the "squares" of Tatooine. Rebels without a cause, a shoe,[1] or a Clue.[2]
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
1. They wear boots.
2. A board game by Milton Bradley.
The Later (or Latter, whichever) Years[edit | edit source]
They maraud through the country-side, killing, raping and pillaging. Settlers have little means in stopping them. Finally, one brave, intelligent, nice, young man named Anakin Skywalker comes to the aid of one family and politely asks the Tusken Raiders to leave them alone. Tusken Raider hostility suddenly stops for in the area for an entire generation.
- Recently featured in the Rockstar Games video game, Grand Theft Auto: Tatooine.