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The Cassowary (Digoutius-Unbelieveus) It is a big evil flightless bird or something like that. It's definitely not cheesecake!


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Cassowary.


The cassowary looks like the bastard offspring of a turkey and an ostrich. It has blue skin, mainly because it does not breathe. The cassowary is so fierce, that it holds the air hostage, so it does not have to breathe. Cassowaries also have thick bony head crests, which are used for defense purposes or when they want to head-butt you in the crotch. You can tell by their glowing red eyes that they hate you. Cassowaries are the most dangerous birds in the world, it even said that on Guinness Book of Records (I'm not kidding).


For many years the Cassowary had a cousin species, the Caassounwary, so-named because of its inability to detect danger. The Cassounwary went extinct hundreds of years ago, upon the arrival of Ferdinand Magellan and his crew of Globetrotters, during their globe-trotting globe-trot of 1520. Magellan himself failed to complete the trip due to an extreme allergic reaction to Cassounwary meat; the voyage was completed under the command of another Globetrotter, Captain Meadowlark Lemon y Curly-Neal.

Cassowaries are also the missing links between man-eating birds and the Blue Man Group (another explanation of their blue skin).

Distribution and habitat[edit]

The cassowary is native to the tropical forests of Australia, but has also been reported in Iceland and northeastern Chicago. Some nearby islands also have small cassowary populations, but it is not known if these are natural or the result of a Communist conspiracy.


A cassowary trying to take down its prey.

Cassowaries are frugivorous, meaning they mostly eat people who are obsessed with money. Chef Jeff "The Frugal Gourmet" Smith was killed and eaten by a Cassowary, who prepared Jeff as a traditional baked cassowary-roll using Mushroom Ketchup and fried onion bits. They also eat fungi, kanji, punji, steak, and dogs. Recently, they have also been observed to attack humans, though this usually only occurs when humans are in their proximity or when they piss them off.

A cassowary will hunt its prey by stalking it. Since they are nocturnal hunters, cassowaries will wait until nightfall. When the time is right, the cassowary will break into the home of its prey by shattering the windows with its head crest. It will then head-butt its prey in the crotch to waeken it. Once the prey is on the ground, the cassowary will use its big bird feet to stomp on it. It may also beat its prey with a baseball bat, a shovel, or anything else that's long and hard. Any part of the carcass that isn't eaten by the cassowary will be left for vultures, zombified nazis, or baby clowns.

Cassowaries are also pursued by coyotes along the highways of the United States Southwest. The pursuits always end in favor of the cassowary, due to its incredible speed and deft reflexes (or is that the roadrunner?). Oh well, It's not like Warner Bros. knew what cassowaries were anyways.

In popular culture[edit]

Cassowaries are not very popular in society (not that I care. I just added this information 'cuz I was bored).

  • The original name of Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean was Captain Jack Cassowary. As nobody beyond the screenwriter knew what the crap a cassowary was--and upon finding out that he would have been required to wear his hat vertically to mimic the distinctive headcrest of the cassowary--the name was changed.

On an unrelated note, Captain Barbosa was to have been named Captain Nemesis Ridiculii. Concurrent with the name revision, his tallish and floppy ears were replaced by a red beard. Actor Geoffrey Rush, however, complained that he looked silly with a red beard where his ears were supposed to be, so it was moved to his chin in post-production using sophisticated computer graphics techniques.

  • Big Bird is actually a cassowary. He once lived in Beijing, but found life hard because of his annoying communist neighbors. He decided to move to Sesame Street, but found difficulties doing so (mainly because his species wasn't popular enough). So he covered himself in yellow feathers from the baby chickens he huffed and/or ate. He then changed his name to Big Bird.
  • The only other cassowary in popular culture was Boss Cass, who wanted to rule the world so his species could become more popular (and also to eat our brains). His arch nemesis, Ty the tasmanian tiger, pwned him before he had the chance.