United Kingdom of Svalbard and Jan Mayen

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United Kingdom of Svalbard and Jan Mayen
Colonial flag
Bird of sovereignty black 700x.png
Colonial flag of Svalbard and Jan Mayen Coat of Arms
Anthem: Scotland's national anthem with different lyrics
Map of Svalbard
Not Norway
Capital Frankhofstadt
Official language(s) English but everyone knows 1 word in German so it's basically official
Government Absolute monarchy under parliamentary governance
National Hero(es) George E. Swezchowski (Capitalist communist dictator), Timathy McKuutio (balding racist)
Currency Stolen euros from Germany
Religion Fishing
Population One crazy dude from Iceland
Major exports Snow, Ice & more snow and ice
National pastime Incest
National sport(s) Crack addiction
Drives on Garbage cars from the soviet union

The United Kingdom of Svalbard and Jan Mayen (or Svalbard and Jan Mayen for short), not to be confused with the autonomous territory of Svalbard (which they don't recognize), is a country located on Svalbard which has inhabited the island since 1984 after they invaded and took over the island.


The settlement of Svalbard and Jan Mayen came with a very nice bonus of a bunch of secret lithium that the Norwegians somehow didn't discover.

The island of Svalbard was settled in the 1980's with the United Kingdom of Svalbard and Jan Mayen being established in 1984 where they took over the island and kicked the Norwegians out. Svalbard and Jan Mayen, thanks to being such a new nation, has no culture to flex on other countries on effectively turning it into the world's "at least im not that guy" for other countries to make themselves feel better.

Because of the country's government not much is known about it other than that they love incest, stole the euro and made their own "European Union Lite" for countries like Belarus that have "a too corrupt government" to join the EU (which of course according to national hero and president of 5 consecutive terms George E. Swezchowski is absoloute "bulls***" and "fake news" in true Donald Trump fashion).


The country has four countries (because it's a United Kingdom like the United Kingdom)

  • New Scotland, where around 93% of the population lives in the totally not poor city of Frankhofstadt famous for being located "coincidentally" right where the old town of Longyearbin, Svalbard was once located.
  • New England, a puppet state of New Scotland inside of the United Kingdom of Svalbard and Jan Mayen that has the only purpose of being responsible for 93% of the country's incest rate (source: Article by the Central News Agency) and for landfills.
  • Bernenstein, a tiny microstate squished between New Scotland and New England only used for housing the international aiport, which noone has ever gotten to see, George Swezchowski International Airport.
  • Jan Mayen, which is disputed between Norway & the United Kingdom of Svalbard and Jan Mayen for the only purpose of being able to fish for less disgusting fish than at home in the Arctic ocean.


Svalbard and Jan Mayen officially speaking gets all of its money from taxing the life out if its citizens and companies (that still somehow put up with it) but in reality everyone knows that the money all comes from foreign investors who look at the real corporate tax rate and get so excited that they bribe the government to let them store all their money in the country.

Svalbard and Jan Mayen uses Euros it stole from Germany as its official currency but other accepted ways to pay in the country's grocery stores and e.t.c. may include Rotten fish, Icicles, Rotten shark & Norwegian bear fur. Throughout the country you can find currency exchanges that not only trade these items for stolen euros but also trade foreign currency for stolen euros or any of the previously listed items.


Winter in New Scotland

Due to Svalbard and Jan Mayen's location within the arctic circle it's pretty much dark 24/7 during winter and bright 24/7 during summer. It constantly snows during winter and everyone has to stay indoors so during the Coronavirus pandemic of 2020 pretty much nothing changed since noone could go outside either way. During summer the sun shines outside but not enough to grow a single patch of grass before the snow comes again and makes it smell moldy and disgusting.

See also[edit]


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